No, your affair isn't the 'love story of the century'

[cosmonautkitten]

I am becoming increasingly frustrated with my DM and the way she portrays her marriage as the most perfect and romantic love story with no thought for the pain and suffering she's caused. Basically, a couple of years ago my mother left my father for my now stepfather, after an affair that began in 2009. Although they originally cut off contact after their spouses found out about their infidelity in 2011, after three years they 'couldn't help' contacting each other again and decided to run off to be together.

I was 18 at the time and had not long left home for university, but was basically my DF's only emotional support for at least a year afterwards, despite being several hundred miles away. With regards to my mother and stepfather, I've tried my best to be supportive and form a relationship with my new stepfather and accept them as a couple - we're going on holiday together in the summer, I was MOH at their wedding and I do actually like my stepfather as a person. However, I do feel like I was forced into being supportive too quickly and that if I'd expressed anger or refused to accept my stepfather I would have lost the relationship with my mother entirely - especially as I was told that DM had said I was one of the things she was willing to 'give up' to be with him .

I honestly think I would be much happier with it if DM wasn't so 'in your face' about it all the time. When I visited over Christmas they had purchased a new artwork - a canvas with words and dates that were important to them and it had in large letters FINALLY TOGETHER! in the middle and the date they ran off together next to it. She frequently posts on Facebook that he's the 'most important thing in the world' to her and really revels in it every time someone calls them a nice couple or such like. They have new jobs working together and their colleagues and other new friends they've made have been told a highly edited version of how they met (along the lines of "oh we were together at uni and had such a spark but then lost track of each other for 30 years and KNEW we were meant to be") with no mention of the other people they were married to at all.

She doesn't tell this version to save face but so everyone will think they are the 'perfect couple'. I understand that this is the way things are but these constant reminders of quite how they started their relationship are still a little hurtful, even three years later. If they could just be quietly in love and not constantly telling me how glad they are to have found happiness in other people's pain it would be so much nicer.

Happy to be told AIBU though and that I should be totally over it after three years - would give me some more perspective!

OP You really need to stop judging your mother like this.

I don't believe for a moment your mum would have given you up to be with this man. Who said that? What on earth does it mean anyway- give you up? Cut contact if you had not approved of him?

It's her life. With all due respect, you are what- 22 ish? You have your whole life ahead. I like the saying' Don't judge until you walk in that person's shoes....'

Yes, of course you are upset and yes, your mum is insensitive. Yes, I'm sure she still loves your dad in some ways. Many people I know who are divorced still care very much for their former spouses. But it's her life.

Are you jealous perhaps? Do you resent her grabbing some happiness - even if the timing wasn't perfect (ie leave first, find someone new later...)

I think your mum behaved oddly to ask you to be MOH at the wedding. A step too far imo.

But that's over and done with now. They are married. Your dad seems happy.

Let it go. Accept that your mum seems happy and wish her well. Tell her you find the way she flaunts this really hard to deal with, but you can't change her- you can only change how you behave and react.

If you are still struggling, seek some counselling to talk it all over.

I'm amazed you weren't tempted to subvert the ghastly picture in some way:

Writing in pencil on the back, where no-one could see something like 'deceit' 'lies' 'self-absorbed'.

Or quietly ensuring the nail on which it was to be hung was wriggled in its hole just enough that the picture will fall off the wall in a few weeks.

I actually think the fact your DM asked you to hang the picture is some sort of sick power play.

Seems like a bit of cognitive dissonance in the above post

Op has expressed herself very clearly and her emotions seem clearly identified and reasonable.

She was forced to fast forward through acceptance. Telling her to seek counselling when all she needed was ten minutes to digest what happened and to be allowed to have her own reaction to that, and she knows this, is not good advice here.

Suniest and you really need to stop telling the OP how she should feel about this. Who do you think you are?

Yours is the nastiest post I've read in quite a while.

Nothing wrong with suggesting that anyone should try counselling, surely? Most of us would benefit from it tbh! I certainly did.

SunniestSunshine I am sorry, but you really are extremely dismissive of the agony of going through something like this and the ripple effects on everybody when it happens. It destroys lives. If my mother had behaved like this I'd be bloody judging her and rightly so. From my viewpoint, it's taken me four years to feel anywhere near normal again after what my husband did. It is not OK to have affairs. If you're unhappy, leave. Also, if you read the OP's own comments, her DM told her she was prepared to give her up for her new man. Because of course for selfish pricks like this, their happiness is what matters the most.

Cosmo I wondered if being MOH at their wedding and agreeing to go on holiday with them this year together was not just incredibly tolerant of you but also partly from worry that if you get in the way of their ‘whirlwind romance’ or remind them of the reality then you will be cut out?

Blimey, she’s overcompensating madly, isnt she? She’s covering up the guilt, she knows she did wrong. I know that relationships fail, but shoving it down your throat and everyone els’s is unnecessary.

Isnt it the dad who told her she said that ? Whereas she actually stayed til the daughter had left home and denies saying it? Op admits the dad has overshared. He seems to have known she was unfaithful since 2011 at least. Quite possibly it was an open marriage, who knows, that is between them. I would never tell my kids their dad was unfaithful for years, if it was me who ended up leaving the marriage in the end, why would I want to hurt them more and put a wedge between them if it wasnt necessary?

SunniestSunshine
The left spouse get's over it and usually remarries

My xh left me 20ys ago i was 43 i have never been near another man since he left for someone half his age everyone warned him about her but he wouldn't listen he had another child, then he caught her in bed with someone else my children didn't see a lot of him when he was with her as they didn't like her (told a lot of lies),he is with someone else now and the children are close to him , but him leaving left me very depressed which i still suffer from i have no friends or family so sunshine i'm sure there are more woman like me and everything doesn't turn out rosie

But who knows, the ops mum does sound quite annoying in the updates

The problem is we can never really judge how the state of our parents' marriage is. Maybe your mother was unhappy in other ways. On MN the chorus of "LTB" starts every time anyone complains about even minor transgressions by their partner. OK it would have been better if your mother had left your father if she was unhappy rather than finding someone else, but at the end of the day we have only one life and leading a miserable life to keep the rest of the family happy is sometimes a solution when children are young but once they have grown up and left home and you are staring retirement and old age in the face I do think that you should give your own needs greater priority.

SunniestSunshine
So who did you cheat on or are you chrating on right now? You find it very easy to take the side of a gloating self obsessed cheat as the op describes. She said she had to basically grit her teeth to keep her mother in her life, why should you doubt it? Most cheaters are keen to be shot of connections to their guilt.
Her mum's a cheat. The op has been more than reasonable maintaining contact with her for that reason alone - who are you to imply she's not being understanding enough? I'd certainly cut a gloating one out of my life, no matter who they were.

YANBU.

From a psychological perspective your DM knows full well that her choices have impacted on others. As a result she feels she needs to mask those negative feelings of guilt and shame, and try to replace them with overwhelmingly positive outward messages, in order to try to convince others of her own decisions.

I am sure she is really happy and in love, but sometimes that's not enough for someone. They need everyone else to agree as well. I think that's what your DM is doing. What she probably fails to understand is that she's making you feel worse rather than better.

God that painting sounds tacky!

People fall in love and leave for other people. It happens. I've seen it countless times with friends, family, colleagues. The 'left' spouse gets over it and usually marries again in a couple of years

This sounds very callous and dismissive to me. You seem to have no idea of the pain and devastation that’s usually caused by affairs.

Many people are just devastated when their spouse cheats on them and then leaves.

Children often have to give up their home , their school and all their friends, they can be traumatised. Most parents who leave do not do 50% of the care and financial support of their children.

A young 20 something relative of ours killed herself when her spouse left her for her best friend. If you had been at that funeral yo wouldn’t be so “ meh, affairs happen, people get over it,no big deal “.

She could have left the marriage without having an affair. I suspect both OP and her father would have found that much less hurtful

I really don't think this is in reality what happens. Most people joggle along in semi-satisfactory or even quite unhappy relationships, and meeting someone else who you have a much better time with is going to put a death to that.

I don't think the OP's dad would have been happy if his wife just got up and left him not even for another person but because she couldn't stand being married any more. I know someone this happened to, and he was devastated that his wife would rather live alone than with him (which is the truth, she never took up with any-one else). Would it honestly have been so much better if she had taken up with this other man 6 months later? I expect the dad would still have been devastated at the emotional abandonment and still dumping on his adult daughter (which I don't agree with at all).

I find MN weird for affairs, they are disgusting/fucking horrible/never ok, but weirdly co-exist with a lot of 'LTB' 'what does he bring to your life?' type posts. Splitting from people, leaving them behind, selling houses, splitting up children's homes is devastating or it isn't- it's not only awful if someone is having an affair. I would honestly rather my husband just got up and left me than stayed out of obligation, believing he'd rather be with someone else. I'd be devastated/cry/be miserable for 6 month then find someone else.

I don't think anyone is obliged to stay in a marriage if they don't want, and it's better to be happy with someone else than poison the marriage you are in. My dad left when I was 18 and it was 100% improvement all round as he was a negative person who was always looking for something or someone better- he found someone 'better' (in his eyes), left and probably regrets it but who cares, our household was happier and my mum went on to find a much nicer man and live in the big family house with him (having bought him out when cheap) which pisses my dad off no end.

It is different when they leave and no child maintenance/low living standards for children, that really is despicable/disgusting.

Cosmo been in a fairly similar situation. Sad to see so many others have too.
I dealt with it less well than you and needed help with counselling several years later.
Best thing I ever did.
Would recommend accessing some counselling now to limit the effects of this situation on the rest of your life.
What I’m picking up is that you went to uni while the family home deteriorated around you. You were away from home and very (justifiably) worried about your father’s mental health and ability to cope. You had new friends that you couldn’t confide such big concerns with, while also trying to move into this new phase of life.
You effectively were very concerned about the possible loss of both mum and dad due to mum leaving the family home.
You weren’t allowed to express your anger to your mum as she wants only for you to participate and celebrate the new life she has made, which you didn’t choose, in your old family home.
The fact you haven’t crumbled under all this seems to show you are very strong.
But I think you deserve the chance to talk to someone about the impact all this has had on you and what you have lost.
And that canvas is completely irritating btw I agree.
All the best xxx

I would honestly rather my husband just got up and left me than stayed out of obligation, believing he'd rather be with someone else. I'd be devastated/cry/be miserable for 6 month then find someone else.

Well, that's easy to decide hypothetically, isn't it?

You make it sound like an affair is an instantaneous thing - like someone spots someone they like and is gone. That's not what hurts people, it's the lies and the betrayal that's gone on for months - in the case described by the OP for years - first. That's why it's shittier than just being honest with your partner and explaining you're not happy.

Yes, and look at the post just one up from yours, thetreesareallgone, where the effect of a marriage ending are detailed. Is it so bad to wait til the kids are grown? At least the practical aspects are covered that way.
My bil was left, no affair, just left. He is 10 years down the line and still very very bitter. He cant accept there was noone else. I actually think he'd have found that easier - this way, it really was just because she was unhappy with him.
Marriage breakups are hard, full stop.

What i See is a woman who had an affair (not good) and then never had the courage leave said relationhsip for a few years. Maybe she really tried to make the relationhsip with your DF work. Maybe she was too frightened and didn’t have the guts to follow through. Maybe she felt guilty of the affair. Who knows?

What I do not doubt is the love she and your stepfather have for each other.

I agree they didn’t get about it the right way. The affair wasn’t the right way to deal with things.
But it doesn’t mean that they don’t truly love each other. Which is probably what your mum is going on about.

As for dfather, I dont think he should have lean on you that way. You were still young. And you were still strongly in a parent- child relationship.

Btw I agree that you have been affected badly by what has happened.
But it feels to me that you were particularly affected BECAUSE you were also the emotional support for your dad. That means you ended up being hurt by the hurt your dad felt.

It’s understandable. But at the same time, this wasn’t your hurt. It’s was your dad and your mum issues.

Counselling sounds a good idea.

cosmonautkitten Really glad your Dad has met someone and is happy. I would probably reduce contact with your mum a bit, you're both adults and you don't have a 'duty of care' towards her.

Not to derail, but my friend has two Burmese. I'm not saying they're demanding but she recently nipped back into the house to get something, leaving the car door ajar. When she got back in 30 seconds later they were both sat in the passenger seat with the absolute certainty they would be coming to work with her

I haven’t read the whole thread op, so sorry if I’ve missed anything.

There have been a couple of infidelities in my family too and one of them is lauded, (by the new couple only), as the love story of the century. It has a vague whiff of desperation to me tbh, as if they need to make the point that, “YES IT WAS DEFINITELY WORTH BREAKING UP OUR FAMILIES FOR THIS NEW RELATIONSHIP” . It wasn’t my parent or OH, so I have no reason to wish them ill, as actually, it’s probably worked out for the best that the original marriages ended, but the constant “we’re so happy now, we’re so happy now, we’re so happy now”, is a bit silly and doesn’t really need to be said.

A lot of people after they cheat have to make the grand gestures to prove to the world that their lying and cheating which devastated other people had to be done because they were star-crossed lovers who were meant to be.

They can't admit they just fancied a bit of selfish for them and that is why they caused all the pain and hurt.