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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend who's not always nice

61 replies

mummypleeeaaaasseeee · 29/12/2017 00:15

It's not a huge issue, but nonetheless here it goes. I have a friend I thought i was fairly close to but certain things are starting to grate on me.
She makes little comments about things in a passive aggressive way that are nothing really but feels like they are meant as a put down
For example
We are part of a friendship group and in a group chat recently we all wished each other merry Christmas and most of us posted photos of Christmas table/decoration etc
I posted a pic of our table just before starting our meal, no food on it, just thought it was pretty with candles etc. Similar to what others posted that friend negatively commented on a piece of furniture that could be seen.
She often seems to make little digs disguised as jokes. I guessi just put it down to "that's just how she is" but I'm starting to have enough.
My last straw was her sending a Christmas card to "mummypleeease and family "
She knows me since i was a kid, she was at our wedding, she was my bridesmaid ffs, she certainly knows my husbands name and my kids names, so is it that much trouble to write them?!
Maybe I'm overreacting?
I guess what I'm asking for is good comebacks for little digs/not-so-nice jokes?
They usually take me off guard so i have no reply really but I want to let her know it's not on anymore.
I'm not going to dump her as we're both part of a group and it would be awkward

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 29/12/2017 00:21

Her offences against you sound so minor I don’t think I would even register if someone acted the same towards me.

She sent you and your family a Christmas card? What a monster.

If you don’t like her vibe then just pay less attention to her. But don’t trick yourself into thinking she’s mistreated you unless her behaviour is worse than what you’ve recounted here.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/12/2017 00:26

If she’s passive aggressive and generally makes you feel undermined and uneasy then detach from her.

Life is too short to be agonising over annoying people who bring you no joy.

ItsChristmoose · 29/12/2017 00:29

There's no such thing as a good comeback.

Sparklesocks · 29/12/2017 00:33

They say the best revenge is living well, which is very true. I think any comeback no matter how witty would fuel her fire, but rising above it and ignoring her (or acting oblivious) is the best comeback because it shows she can’t get to you. You’re refusing to play her petty games and she’ll most likely get bored and move on to some other person when she understands you aren’t interested.

Original poster
mummypleeeaaaasseeee · 29/12/2017 00:34

I think i will be stepping back a bit but quite hard to completely detach due to group dynamic

Silver
I don't think I'm "tricking " myself.
More examples if these are too minor, they were just the last two

  • there was the time she made a negative joke about the Christmas present i got her
  • negative comments about the colour of my clothing
  • digs about my house
  • digs about my DH car - after posting a pic of snow outside and only a very small part of car could be seen on the side
Etc etc

How would you respond to these without showing that it bothered you but in a way that would have an impact?Hmm

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/12/2017 00:38

Speak to her like an adult woman

If you want to let her know 'it's not on any more' then tell her just that.

Sparklesocks · 29/12/2017 00:38

It depends on the exact wording of what she’s saying, but if she said ‘oh I don’t like that top/colour’ you could cheerily reply ‘ oh that’s a shame, I love it!’ Or ‘right ok. Well everyone has their own tastes don’t they?’ There’s not much more to say from there.

pinkdelight · 29/12/2017 00:42

The Christmas card thing is way over sensitive. It's just a thing people write all the time. Makes you look like you're seeking out offence. The digs list also suggests it really is "just how she is". That instead of making the same platitudes as everyone else she makes a joke. If her humour isn't amusing you then you're not a good match for being mates and well within your rights to ease off on contact. Sure she'll cope fine without seeing pictures of your Christmas table.

Ohmyfuck · 29/12/2017 00:42

I have had the same and didn't think they were 'minor'. The odd time I did respond directly, I was told she was "only joking". Confused When she began speaking to my children in the same way I ghosted her after she refused to discuss what the actual issue was.

Original poster
mummypleeeaaaasseeee · 29/12/2017 00:43

I don't really want to confront her and make it into a big deal that no doubt will make me look like some sensitive flower who can't take a joke

About the colour of my clothing it was more like comparing it something else in a negative way

I'm trying to be vague

OP posts:
Starface · 29/12/2017 00:44

Seriously, I wouldn't be responding or attempting to have an impact. That just all gives her space in your head, which means you are spending time thinking about stuff that makes you unhappy.

My view, from experience of extremely fucking catty SILs, is that I can engage, give headspace, and be unhappy. Or I can not engage (even in my own mind). Just think oh look X is being a dick again. And get on with my life giving headspace to what I enjoy. Life is too short. Though no one like that ever gets to be close to me because they can't be trusted emotionally. If you can't avoid entirely (I wouldn't want to be NC with my SILs) it doesn't have to mean you trust them with your emotions. Keep the group banter light and let go of any investment in her.

pinkdelight · 29/12/2017 00:45

"How would you respond to these without showing that it bothered you but in a way that would have an impact?"

If it bothered me I'd let her know.

Lalliella · 29/12/2017 00:45

She is jealous of you. I know how you feel as I have a friend exactly like this. When things are going well for me she is all dig, dig, dig. When things are going well for her she is nice as pie. I just try to bite my tongue and rise above it, because the good times with her outweigh the bad. Rising above it can be a challenge sometimes though I must admit, but it does give you the moral highground. The PP who said there’s no such thing as a good comeback is right, you would always sound petty.

Butterymuffin · 29/12/2017 00:46

I'd do what Sparklesocks suggested and be all cheeryand positive in response. Then say 'But I know you're a bit of a glass half full person'. Turn it into being about her negativity not the deficiencies of you and your things.

Christmas card: address hers back in the same style.

Lalliella · 29/12/2017 00:49

Btw does she have DCs? Could be an issue with childlessness, being jealous that you have them maybe?

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 29/12/2017 00:50

I put up with this kind of low-level stuff from a 'friend' for five years before clocking that she was basically not as nice as I thought. I decided that her way of bonding with people was to criticise others to create a weird 'intimacy' and then move onto criticising that person!

I like her slightly more now that I've put distance between us. There was no big deal, I just stopped spending time with her.

Eatingwormswithwine · 29/12/2017 00:50

She’s probably a bit insecure and is trying to be funny and doesn’t realise she comes across as P/A.
The Xmas card thing is a non issue

Original poster
mummypleeeaaaasseeee · 29/12/2017 00:59

Exactly shegot
I'm starting to think she's just not that nice.
And yes she really likes to complain about other people and "analyse " their situations

I will step back
I think not letting it bother me is kind of what i have been doing but lately the digs are becoming more frequent. We went through a rough patch recently (as a family) and she was really nice a supportive so i guess I thought we'd become closer friends but now she's not very nice at all.

I

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/12/2017 01:02

She's digging at you which you understandably don't like but you're asking for tips on digging back at her?

Do you really want to enter into that playground shit?

Either speak to her about it like an adult, ignore it or defriend her.

Anything else will make you just as silly and petty as her.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 29/12/2017 01:06

I've had friends like this, a very long time ago though and I only years later realised what passive aggressive bitches they were. If it was now I wouldn't even entertain the fuckers.

MiddleClassProblem · 29/12/2017 01:07

I think it’s hard to tell with how vague you are being whether these are actually funny comments or cutting comments but at the end of the day if she’s your friend and annoying you then that’s all that matters rather than how we would feel.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 29/12/2017 01:09

I have a friend exactly like this...also exactly same circumstances ....close friendship group etc. She is also very pa when she tries to dig me out. She doesn't do it to any of the others in the group, just me. I've spoken to another in our group, and she's picked up on her behaviour towards me as well. We'recommend of the opinion it's jealousy. Have u spoken to any of ur other friends about her?

cathcath2 · 29/12/2017 01:16

Oh yes, nice when things are going badly for you but making comments when things are going better. Do you see a pattern emerging? Jealousy alert! I'd just try being really nice to her - that annoys people who are trying to get a reaction- and just pull back generally. I'm not saying go NC, just don't actively seek her out.

Littlelambpeep · 29/12/2017 01:20

It is hard when you are in a group of friends but on a practical level - don't let her see what you post on Facebook - change your settings.

Cold hard stares work well .. Grin

BeverlyGoldberg · 29/12/2017 01:34

I’ve got one like this and I try to rise above it. As someone else said the best revenge is to live well. When life is going well for her she’s nowhere to be seen and arrangements with me have to be squeezed in between her new mates and her “best friend”.

She’s a bit younger than me and I get frequent digs about my age (mid thirties!!) which is grating.

If you’re not dumping her, and I agree you shouldn’t, then ignore her. It does very much smell of envy.

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