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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend who's not always nice

61 replies

mummypleeeaaaasseeee · 29/12/2017 00:15

It's not a huge issue, but nonetheless here it goes. I have a friend I thought i was fairly close to but certain things are starting to grate on me.
She makes little comments about things in a passive aggressive way that are nothing really but feels like they are meant as a put down
For example
We are part of a friendship group and in a group chat recently we all wished each other merry Christmas and most of us posted photos of Christmas table/decoration etc
I posted a pic of our table just before starting our meal, no food on it, just thought it was pretty with candles etc. Similar to what others posted that friend negatively commented on a piece of furniture that could be seen.
She often seems to make little digs disguised as jokes. I guessi just put it down to "that's just how she is" but I'm starting to have enough.
My last straw was her sending a Christmas card to "mummypleeease and family "
She knows me since i was a kid, she was at our wedding, she was my bridesmaid ffs, she certainly knows my husbands name and my kids names, so is it that much trouble to write them?!
Maybe I'm overreacting?
I guess what I'm asking for is good comebacks for little digs/not-so-nice jokes?
They usually take me off guard so i have no reply really but I want to let her know it's not on anymore.
I'm not going to dump her as we're both part of a group and it would be awkward

OP posts:
Laserbird16 · 29/12/2017 02:35

I struggle with my mum being PA and the best way I've found to deal with it is not to take issue with her or try a witty come back but to observe my feelings and thoughts. It helps me to get caught up in the 'why is she saying that' and focus on 'why does this bother me?'. It helps me identify what insecurity the perceived dig has tapped into and let it go. I'm an adult who is just fine and so are you, don't let your friend's clumsy interactions effect you, unless of course it is just straight up malicious.You can just see less of her if she really bothers you.

Laserbird16 · 29/12/2017 02:36

Should be another in there, 'not get caught up'

Laserbird16 · 29/12/2017 02:36

Oh bugger it

MoKnickers · 29/12/2017 03:01

Chuckle indulgently at her and shake your head..... “Ah, Beryl - you’re such a sour taste aren’t you? Bless you!” .... chuckle chuckle.

Chingchok · 29/12/2017 03:38

I went through this - took me a while to notice and then even longer to stop second-guessing myself and realise I wasn’t imagining it. Same scenario with a group chat between a close group of friends, several of whom she met through me, and whenever we’d all share things, she’d gush over them and completely ignore me. At best I’d get an emoticon. If I was upset about something and shared with the group, and only she saw, there would be a deathly silence. Then she’d change the subject. Sometimes she wouldn’t even pause for breath. On occasion it was so glaring, like when my husband was very ill and was admitted, and she was the only one that had read the news, and she said nothing then sent a snap of her daughter posing. There were so many apparently insignificant moments like that but taken together (over more than a year), I finally realised she didn’t have my back. At all. After she cancelled coffee on several occasions, I finally messaged and asked if something was up. She denied all knowledge and yet seemed to know exactly what I was talking about... Said she was sorry if she’d made me feel that way and she’d be more aware in future. I was so glad I had said something though, because it was making me utterly miserable - I was even avoiding our monthly get togethers because I truly felt hated. After I spoke out, she stopped doing it, and to be honest that was what made it obvious she HAD been doing it. My closest friend is in the group and she initially denied it but then acknowledged to some extent but put it down to jealousy. I even discussed it with a close friend that doesn’t know anyone in the group, and she said it objectively seems like passive aggressive behaviour with a side of gaslighting. I am at peace with it now and realised maybe she isn’t that nice a person. She also criticises and judges others constantly despite being one of life’s “helpers” - she gives a lot and nobody else can ever live up. Hence why I wondered if I had somehow upset her and the silent treatment was my “punishment”. Anyway, I wish she had been straight with me and told me the truth, but basically now I have distanced myself from the chat group. I still attend the occasional night out, but I don’t look forward to it as much. All that to say: I believe you. The whole point of passive aggressive behaviour is that the perpetrator can maintain plausible deniability, and it can be hard to spot unless it is happening to you. Trust your gut. You can’t change her behaviour, only your response to it.

Higlyhighly · 29/12/2017 07:42

I had the same OP. Became very close friends with my DD's nursery friend's mum. I considered her one of my best friends and we were friends for two years. When the girls started school she changed - constant digs and put downs about me. Mainly about my car, my dress sense, my DH. My job etc - all because she had more money than me and wanted to associate herself with the "upper class mums". I called her out on it several times and she just said she was joking. In the end I distanced myself from her and now we don't even speak. She can always be found bragging by the school gates about how much money she has etc - I'm glad I'm shot of her to be honest

coastalchick · 29/12/2017 07:51

I have a "friend" like this, came to my new house and slagged off the kitchen (which I love), snidely commented that it was dangerous and "she wouldn't be happy about" her partner doing it when I said my OH was doing his private pilots licence, once told me when I was single that I shouldn't go out on the pull with a particular girl as she was "far prettier" than me (which is true but no need to make me feel like shit!), when someone I really liked had dumped me, set one of her friends up with him despite knowing how I felt, then told me how I'd "played it all wrong" as said bloke was obsessed with her friend, gossiped about my missed miscarriage despite my asking her to keep it quiet, once told me (years ago) that everyone gossiped about my drinking (I was a bit wild then) but she always stuck up for me (bollocks), borrowed a pair of £200 shoes from me, scuffed them, then said they were already like that and fell out with me for raising it! The list goes on.

I now try to keep her at arms length and tell her nothing, not made easier by the fact she now works at same place as me!!

coastalchick · 29/12/2017 07:56

Oh, used my house (I was away) when she'd left her husband, broke a glass and a glass bowl but didn't replace them, then fell out with me when I wouldn't let her use my house the next time I went away! Fell out with me because I didn't want her massive German shepherd in our new house (we have a cat who had just undergone 3 major surgeries ffs!!) then I said it could go in the garden but she bullied me until I let it in the house. Insisted I had her copy of a DVD even though I showed her a copy of my amazon order where I'd ordered it and bullied me into giving it "back" after calling me every name under the sun.

I am not letting myself be bullied any more - clearly reading that bank I should've stood up to her earlier! She's not like this with the other girls in our group!

wherethevioletsgrow · 29/12/2017 08:00

Btw does she have DCs? Could be an issue with childlessness, being jealous that you have them maybe?

Yes, must be. Definitely Hmm

Dozer · 29/12/2017 08:05

She’s not a close friend.

Mean comments on group chats make her look bad, not you. I would probably ignore those.

Mean RL comments I would reply directly with the MN “that was rude”.

FaithEverPresent · 29/12/2017 08:19

Some people are just unpleasant. It’s a drip effect. Initially you wonder if you’re paranoid, people say ‘Oh that’s just Jane!’ (Ha ha). But they are toxic. I worked with one. I had no choice but to work with her but kept the conversations to a minimum. One time we were on a night out and she kept commenting on my coat. ‘Ooh that’s interesting’. ‘Oh God, she’s putting it on again’. Then finally she said ‘You know what? I don’t like it’. I’d had a few drinks so I replied ‘You know what? I don’t care!’. People like this lose their power when they realise you don’t value your opinion. I would hide any updates from her on Facebook. I would call her on the mean comments lightly, same phrase each time ‘Oh, you’re being negative again. Right’. Or as someone suggested ‘Oh you’re very glass is half-empty!’. Once you stop caring, she lose their impact and she will stop.

Cambionome · 29/12/2017 08:22

I had a friend/colleague like that, and it was very difficult to deal with, kept me constantly on the back foot, trying to work out why she was being like that...
One day I just completely lost it and told her exactly what I thought of what she'd just said. She was very apologetic, didn't deny it but just said "Oh but you always take that sort of comment so well!" Hmm but has never done it since. I wouldn't hesitate to call someone out on it if I thought it was happening again.

ARudeAwakening · 29/12/2017 08:23

Hmm use this emoji on her comments
It should be enough...?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 29/12/2017 08:25

Detach a bit . Or call her on it

Or just stay upset !

DoculamentDoculament · 29/12/2017 08:33

Men are never accused of being jealous of each other.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 29/12/2017 08:38

Every time:

"Don't be a cunt, Janet" with a sympathetic smile on your face.

Or you could use her real name, either works Grin

numptyhumpty · 29/12/2017 08:42

Does she gave a husband / family?

I have a friend who would send cards to 'x & family' or similar to all her friends as she doesn't like to properly acknowledge others have partners whilst she doesn'tHmm

MammaAgata · 29/12/2017 09:10

@Raptor Grin love that as a come back...

Doobigetta · 29/12/2017 09:16

She might not mean any harm. Sometimes people misjudge a situation and think that someone is ok with a more robust sense of humour than they actually are. If that's the case, and you bite back, you'll be validating her "banter". Let her know you don't like it, and see if she apologises and tones it down.

Original poster
mummypleeeaaaasseeee · 29/12/2017 09:24

Thanks for all the replies
I think detatching from her a bit is the way to go. If that means detaching from the group a bit as well then that's ok with me.

I don't think it's jealousy, but who knows why she does that, i've known her for a long time and she's always been a bit like that, just worse now.
She's married and has DC.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 29/12/2017 09:32

"I think not letting it bother me is kind of what i have been doing but lately the digs are becoming more frequent. We went through a rough patch recently (as a family) and she was really nice a supportive so i guess I thought we'd become closer friends but now she's not very nice at all."

Two thoughts sprang to mind when I read that.

  1. Her being supportive when things were tough for you - I've observed that quite a bit. I can't work out whether they like the feeling of being helpful, then feel rejected in some way when the help is no longer needed; or whether it's a bit like schadenfreude, taking a bit of comfort in someone's life being worse than theirs. Or - and I've seen this too - helping someone else can distract you from your own problems, and once that distraction is no longer there, you are back to facing your own problems.
  1. The digs becoming more frequent. Possibly tied to the above - your tough times being now past, she's reacting to that. Or, maybe there's something going on in her life now that's making her bitter and lashing out.

Rather than coming back at her, I'd be inclined to be all solicitous. 'Is everything OK? You seem a bit negative lately.'

This actually meets your wish to "respond to these without showing that it bothered you but in a way that would have an impact?" because you are acknowledging the dig, but in a way that demonstrates concern for her rather than yourself. If she is nasty, this will piss her off - to know that she's not getting to you.But it allows for the possibility that she's not being nasty, just there's something going on in her life, and she may open up to you about it.

Best wishes.

wherethevioletsgrow · 29/12/2017 09:34

I have a friend who would send cards to 'x & family' or similar to all her friends as she doesn't like to properly acknowledge others have partners whilst she doesn't

She actually said this to you or is this what you have deduced from the way she writes Christmas cards? Hmm

DoculamentDoculament · 29/12/2017 09:47

What wherethevioletsgrow said.

Fishface77 · 29/12/2017 09:50

I had a frenemy like this.
Brilliant when the chips were down. Thrived on trauma and drama.
Otherwise absolutely awful.
I called her on it in a group chat and said "the way you make catty comments anyone would think you were jealous. LOL." (which anyone who knows me knows I never use).

She mentioned it the next time I saw her and I told her that she obviously had a problem with me. She changed the conversation and stopped the remarks.

youarenotkiddingme · 29/12/2017 09:51

With table thing I'd have replied "my beautifully decorated table and you noticed the ripped chair in the corner!"

It also PA in a jokey manner and she either has to be damn outright rude and say something negative about table or accept that you've pointed out she must have been looking very closely to 'find' something wrong.

People are only openly rude to others when they know they can away with it.

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