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AIBU?

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Original poster

To see gifts as pointless

33 replies

sinandgonic · 28/12/2017 22:18

I am probably quite bad for this as I didn’t get presents beyond the age of about 15.

But gifts just seem to be a way of exchanging things around that people may or may not want. So friend A spends £20 on me. I’m obligated to spend £20on her, but we are adults and can just buy what we want.

Or am I missing something?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2017 22:19

You’re missing something.

Do you never give anyone gifts to celebrate any occasion?

RaeSkywalker · 28/12/2017 22:23

I think you’re missing something. For example, I would never ‘treat’ myself at the moment- I’d always spend my money on DS.

This year, I got a voucher to have a manicure- which I’m so excited about, but couldn’t have justified spending on myself.

I like buying for people- hunting out things they’ll enjoy. I hope that the gifts I give shoe how much I care about the people in my life.

Original poster
sinandgonic · 28/12/2017 22:23

Yes, but it feels a bit pointless as then they feel obliged to get one for me. Be easier for us all not to and save our money?

OP posts:
Original poster
sinandgonic · 28/12/2017 22:24

It’s different for children I think as they don’t have money of their own.

OP posts:
aspoonfulofyourownmedicine · 28/12/2017 22:26

Isn't it just personal choice - maybe tell your friend that you don't wish to exchange gifts then you don't feel obliged to buy her one.

I don't see gifts as pointless. I love both giving and receiving gifts. Gifts I received were things I wouldn't buy myself, even if I had the money to, but I love them all and will use/treasure/wear each and every one of them.

ChickenPaws · 28/12/2017 22:28

I know. To me, it’s just shifting endless tat around. Such a terrible waste of resources Sad

I’m sure that some people find some gifts pleasant, useful and welcome, but there are many who don’t.

I wish people felt able to just tell their friends and relatives not to bother and just to concentrate on the company instead.

I call xmas Presentmas now. All you hear about are the presents and perhaps the food.

ChickenPaws · 28/12/2017 22:31

We actually avoided visiting some people over xmas as they really go in for it and I couldn’t be bothered with worrying about whether we’d be meant to be exchanging presents. I just didn’t have the money or the energy to try and figure out what to do so we stayed away.

sirfredfredgeorge · 28/12/2017 22:32

Gifts are a terrible idea if you include obligation, and as you say you note so many people do, they also have the problem that so many people tie their own self worth to the gifts they get, they feel, however rightly or wrongly that someone only loves/likes them if they get a gift. It is not kind to let these people down like this.

There also some times when gifts are not simply reciprocal, a chance to spend money on people without them fully having an obligation - so if your finances are imbalanced you can spend 200 for a 20 obligation.

Generally though they are a terrible destroyer of value (people value the gift they receive as so much more than was spent), and if you can stop the circle the would would be a lot better place. I now very, very rarely get gifts, and I can still give without guilt now I've convinced people not to gift anything to me.

Aspieparent · 28/12/2017 22:33

I think it really depends on who your swapping gifts with.
Like dh and me get each other gifts Christmas and birthdays as we don't treat ourselves any other time as we always spend on the dcs.

cuckooplusone · 28/12/2017 22:36

I think that for close family I see it as an expression of love, not that they spend money, but that they put thought and care into giving something that they know will be appreciated.

However, I don't like getting unwanted expensive gifts as I agree that it's like an obligation.

JustHope · 28/12/2017 22:40

I kind of see your OP, if the queues at the exchange and refund desk at M&S today is anything to go buy the whole present for the sake of it thing is a a total waste or money and resources. Really Christmas gifts are just making others rich by playing on our feelings of guilt and obligation.

singingdetective · 28/12/2017 22:41

What is with the moral superiority around here about adults not exchanging gifts? If you don't want to buy presents then don't bloody buy them.

UrgentScurryfunge · 28/12/2017 22:44

Gifts chosen with love are a joy.
Gifts given out of obligation are not.

A good gift is matched up to its recipient. Bad gifts of price matching not suitable items are a waste of energy, money and resources.

I think Martin Lewis analysed the value of mutual gift giving and it wasn't beneficial?

Poshjock · 28/12/2017 22:45

I am rubbish at gifting under pressure. I have always hated buying Christmas and Birthday presents. I don’t do it anymore. However... i so often see things that make me think of someone or I know they’d love it so now I just buy it and give them it anyway (like that old post office advert “saw this and thought of you”). Random gift giving for no apparent reason. It removes any obligation, I genuinely am not looking for anything in return and each gift is meaningful and from the heart. I feel so much happier now and take much more enjoyment out of gift giving. Christmas leaves me cold.

harrietsoton · 28/12/2017 22:50

I think sweet, thoughtful gifts are nice. Or sentimental gifts.

I think it’s pointless if you bring in the reciprocal factor. This YouTuber recently uploaded a present exchange video with her best friend, where they both had an exact budget and bought each other presents. But they knew what each other wanted as a ‘main’ and so only got random smaller gifts alongside the big one - so essentially they just bought each other’s wish list. I think that’s pointless

CrackersForlt · 28/12/2017 22:50

I think gift giving is great, but within certain criteria.

You see something for someone and think it's perfect and buy it with no thought of it being reciprocated and with no compulsion (ie you have to because it's christmas/birthday etc), that's a wonderful, thoughtful thing that has meaning.

Buying stuff because it's expected due to the way society places certain expectations - massively reduces the messing behind it and the reciprocal aspect means people end up spending money they can't afford on stuff that has little meaning and that the giftee may well not appreciate. It's nonsense imo.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/12/2017 22:54

What I am seeing, more and more, is self-righteous, selfish people who make a big deal out of how pointless gift-giving is so they can opt out of it no matter what the feelings of their family and friends.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2017 22:56

Your focus on the monetary value is interesting as I don’t tend to open gifts and calculate how much they’ll have cost. If you only choose things for people based on how much their gift to you would cost them you’re doing it wrong.

And I agree with singingdetective. Sick to the back teeth of this bullshit about not buying gifts for adults. Some people don’t have or know many children. So what, they’re out of the gift giving gang are they?

Some of the things I’ve most enjoyed giving this Christmas have been to my husband and my dad. I loved coming up with things they’d enjoy and they appreciated the thought and effort and receiving them.

Oh, or maybe they didn’t. Maybe they were groaning internally wondering if I spent more or less than I did and feeling fatigued by the whole charade?

Original poster
sinandgonic · 28/12/2017 22:59

Anne if you enjoy buying and receiving gifts then you crack on.

And there are times where gifts are wholly appropriate. I suppose I am just pondering the validity of one basket of Soap and Glory for me while I buy a Body Shop gift basket for my friend: that sort of thing.

OP posts:
HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 28/12/2017 23:01

I absolutely agree OP
I have opted out of all gift exchanges for adults
I just can't see the point
Occasionally I get a fantastic gift that I wouldn't have thought of buying for myself, and that's lovely, but most of the time it's stuff that's not quite right or that we don't need, so we end up giving to charity
But then we have to spend time and money buying gifts back, probably lots of them aren't wanted either
I love Christmas itself, but just keep presents to the kids

This year, I got a voucher to have a manicure- which I’m so excited about, but couldn’t have justified spending on myself

But presumably you spent a similar amount on a present for the friend who bought you the manicure voucher? So to me it would make more sense to all treat ourselves and get what we really want, rather than treat each other and maybe miss the mark?

Anyway I'm cross about presents as despite opting out of present giving we received several presents, and are going to have to dispose of most of them as unsuitable/ no space/ not safe for kids, and that's actually quite a hassle (charity shop has awkward opening hours and not close by, doorstep collectors often don't turn up, don't want to put on fb in case the giver sees it)

Bellamuerte · 28/12/2017 23:02

I hate gift giving. People invariably buy things I don't want and subsequently have to dispose of. Then I have to spend the same amount on them and they may or may not do the same. What a waste!

BonApp · 28/12/2017 23:03

I think it’s all a bit random too.

Buying off a list feels like it’s just buying stuff people didn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t buy themselves. And not buying off a list is a gamble, specially if someone has a list and would’ve preferred they’d received something from said list.

In fact the whole present thing makes me uncomfortable. Will they like it? Have I totally wasted my time/effort/money? Will I like what they’ve got for me? How do I act if I don’t like it? Did I look grateful/pleased enough? Ugh.

Ad hoc thoughtful gifts throughout the year is much nicer.

5foot5 · 28/12/2017 23:03

What about the pleasure of just giving?

Sometimes you find something that you feel the other person will just love. The cost of it is not really relevant it is, genuinely, the thought.

People like to give presents. Why would you want to spoil that?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2017 23:07

Couldn’t agree more about giving random toiletries OP. But I don’t know anyone who does that so I can’t really relate. There are only 2 body shop products I like so I’d be pissed off to get a gift set of strawberry flavoured stuff when everyone knows I can’t stand fruit scents. Totally get that.

Original poster
sinandgonic · 28/12/2017 23:08

See I’d never be pissed off, but just see it as pointless, like the manicure voucher for instance as someone mentioned upthread. So even if someone does get me something lovely, I still had to buy them something lovely, so ...

OP posts: