To see gifts as pointless

[sinandgonic]

I am probably quite bad for this as I didn’t get presents beyond the age of about 15.

But gifts just seem to be a way of exchanging things around that people may or may not want. So friend A spends £20 on me. I’m obligated to spend £20on her, but we are adults and can just buy what we want.

Or am I missing something?

*You see something for someone and think it's perfect and buy it with no thought of it being reciprocated and with no compulsion (ie you have to because it's christmas/birthday etc), that's a wonderful, thoughtful thing that has meaning.

Buying stuff because it's expected due to the way society places certain expectations - massively reduces the messing behind it and the reciprocal aspect means people end up spending money they can't afford on stuff that has little meaning and that the giftee may well not appreciate*

This is exactly right

I suppose I am just pondering the validity of one basket of Soap and Glory for me while I buy a Body Shop gift basket for my friend: that sort of thing

Goodness yes. I agree with that. There is a thread where the OP was complaining that no one bought her gifts she needed from the list she gave them but as she had bought them gifts she had no money left to buy the things on her list which she needed. That made no sense to me.

I bought quite a lot of presents in Fortnum and Mason and Liberty this year, branded from those shops, as they were things the recipients , who don't live in London, would not buy for themselves.

**What about the pleasure of just giving?

Sometimes you find something that you feel the other person will just love**

When this happens it is lovely to give a gift, I enjoy giving in these circumstances. I find it happens v rarely though. Generally people are better judges of what they will love than I am!

I add I have several relatives who have bought me stuff that they "know I'll love" and I've quietly given it away... unless you know someone really well it's so hard to get right

Most of the Christmas present exchanging I see is token gifts though. In my extended family we basically bought each other the same stuff every year, until we decided to stop exchanging presents.

People are almost universally bad at buying gifts for other people, it's why even when buying gifts for the easiest possible people that you know the best, your own children, you still end up with them playing with the boxes more likely than not.

And the pressure that "I've found the perfect gift for you, you'll love it" brings is even more than "here's some wine, you like to drink wine right?" There's very few things that someone would genuinely love, that they would not have bought themselves, unless they simply don't have the money, and then buying the wine would probably still been have better.

Hopelessly, my point is that I would never have spent that on myself. Case in point- my Mum very kindly gave me some money the other day to get myself something nice. I spent it on clothes for DS.

it's a slightly philosphical question isnt it? but then arent all transactions ultimately pointless if you disconnect emotion and thought from the process...

sure if you go "10 friends must have a present, im budgeting £15 each and that will get me 10 soap and glory smellies sets which i can get in one go" then you have reduced the principle to an exercise in cost and efficiency... rendering it banal and soulless.

if you go... "what does each friend actually like and value and then spend time/money on bespoke/personal/meaningful gifts, then you have given it a point.... the point being that you know them well enough to get them a gift that means something to them...

this could be summarised by "you get out what you put in...."

YANBU.

Fans of gifting always think it's all marvellous, and how generous they are. (Or it's the thought that counts.) While the rest of us (no idea how many as we are usually politely silent) have to pretend to look pleased.

I openly gave up buying gifts years ago when I realised how wasteful and pointless it all was. And I do my best to discourage anyone from buying ME a gift.

If someone still (unilaterally) gives me a gift, I will be gracious and say "thank you, you shouldn't have". And I do mean "you shouldn't have", as in most cases they have wasted their money. I also say "please don't do it again" if I think they might be tempted to!

For the gift givers, is the point of gift giving to make yourselves feel good? (Or to not to look stingy?) Or is it to make the person you give the gift to feel good?

FYI, I really would really prefer NO GIFTS as gifts are a burden on me to have to like the gift and/or try to use it.

Of course, some people DO like getting gifts. I understand that. But from what I have read on here over Xmas, seems like a LOT of people were under-impressed or ever annoyed when their gifts were not good?

So please just try to as/get to know your gift target before you automatically assume they will love getting a gift? (Any gift?) Some of us really don't want one!

I also hate finding/buying a gift for someone else, as I usually get it wrong and waste my time/money. No pleasure in it at all for me. And no pleasure for the recipient if I mess it up.

I would much prefer to just hand over cash instead if I want to be nice to them, unless i know exactly what they want and it has been openly agreed that I will get it for them. (To avoid someone else buying it for them. This is often what happens and things have to then be returned.)

It's just very hit and miss to try to guess what someone else would like to buy for themselves. And so disappointing (especially as a child) to get something you wouldn't have picked and don't like. (When with the money you could have had something nicer/more useful.)

The chap on MSE said that gift buying/giving is a net economic loss, because (on average) the gift receiver normally puts a lower cash value on the gift than the giver has paid. So we are all wasting our money!

Giving cash is the most efficient and effective way to be nice or to reward someone. (Nb Vouchers are less good as your purchasing options are very reduced, but probably still better than a bit better than a random useless gift.)

To me you are missing something as I love to buy gifts - I will spend ages choosing something. I'm also v upfront about not minding if they swap it and unless it's personalised will give the receipt in a sealed envelope so they can swap it. Watching a friend or loved one open it is exciting and pleasurable for me as well as them.

But if you don't enjoy giving gifts then that's entirely your prerogative and there's nothing wrong with that at all. I'm sure you do loads of enjoyable things that I don't get!