To tell DBIL that DH is drinking too much?

[winterinalaska]

Over Christmas DHs drinking has got out of control. I had to undress him twice, he was on a mission to drink whisky while we were all drinking wine or beer.

I've just told his brother. I wanted to share the "secret" he thinks he is keeping with his workmates, organisations he is involved in, family etc. People know! He is trying to kid himself that they don't know.

His drinking has got worse and worse over the last 2 years. We don't have kids despite trying for 7 years, not trying anymore. We are Really happy apart from this.

If they are close then yes. He may already know.

My ex Sil lived with her alcoholic dh. They all buried head in sand and things got much much worse over time.

Hope you ok.

How much is he drinking during a normal week?

The thing with drinking is ... it's not how much you drink, it's how it effects your behaviour that is the problem.

You can't be happy when this is going on. You must be watching him the whole time, wondering whether he's drinking, whether he's had too much etc.

Forgot to say I named changed for this.

I'm ok thanks. My uncle was an alcoholic and my aunt "hid it" from everyone for years, she wouldn't let him go to AA. He died last year from the drink. I am very worried if he keeps going like this he'll have a stroke or heart attack. He's slim built and 5'8" and drinks about 3 bottles a week sometimes 4 and on a weekend he'll have wine with me with our meal. It's just around this time or at a party or if people are visiting he'll drink nearly a bottle of whisky in a night. Maybe more I have no idea. He often buys me a bottle of my favourite wine to keep me quiet so I'm drinking more but I can stop.

You did the right thing telling his brother and not ttc a child anymore. I have a relative who has a horrendous addiction. Sadly for everyone involved the time for intervention is well gone. Hiding your DH's addiction is enabling him to continue and it can get much worse.

He drinks in the house watching tv not out, only when we're on holiday or with really close friends. All to do with his image in the community as he is a local public figure.

Yes brilliant you are right I'm not happy when he's drinking, he's ok at home, I go to bed and leave him to it but when we are with family and he gets rude and legless I get really pissed off. My dad is pissed off with him for getting drunk at Christmas.

Even though you don't have a problem with alcohol, you might need to go booze free too. Do a Dry January so he has no excuse and highlights his usage if he continues. I would hazard a guess and say he is drinking a lot more than you are aware of.

When you say he drinks 3 or 4 bottles a week, do you mean wine? Or whiskey?

I was thinking exactly that happy. I am going to have a dry January and keep going.

He has driven to see his brother tonight to apologise for being rude to him today. He wants to apologise to his DB before he flies home tomorrow. I am a bit scared DH is going to go mad with me if his brother tells him that I told him he was drinking too much but I had to share it. The reason he was so rude to his brother was that he was holding him back from coming home to have a drink. The drink really has a firm grip on him. Writing this is making me realise how scared i am of the drink. I am not scared of DH though he is a really good man and he admits he's drinking too much and said over Christmas that he's going to give up but I'm afraid that day won't happen.

3 or 4 bottles of whisky a week.

He sounds like my dad - usually drinks at home. He thinks he can hide it but I have horrible memories from my childhood about his getting drunk.

Well done on telling BIL.

More to the point how is he treating you? That's a hell of a lot he's drinking, I'm not sure he wouldn't have been over the limit for driving either.

Ultimately you can't make him stop, but honestly as someone who has an alcohol in their family I don't understand why you're staying.

Please talk to BIL. My DF was similarly shielded by DM, and we found out all the cliches about drunks come true: it only gets worse, the longer you leave it the harder it gets, etc.

I take it DH is in denial. Make a plan with BIL and talk to a shrink before you talk to DH.

He treats me very well. He is easy going and kind and funny. Although sometimes I think he does a bit too much for me and definitely for others. I have seen this with my uncle though, he did extra work around the house and was very active this was all part of the behaviours- to be compliant so he could spend the evening with a "few drams" in front of the tv.

I will, I'll talk to BIL next time I see him.

He's now back, said it's all sorted now with his DB and had a beer. Then poured a whisky. I am feeling sick to the stomach actually want to cry now just realising that i am not going to be able to handle this and I'm too upset/scared/nervous to tell his DB exactly the amount I might text him though.

I think you need some help and support here OP, my friend's husband was an alcholic and trying to keep him on the straight and narrow nearly destroyed her sanity. She got some amazing help from Al-Anon, and eventually got the courage to leave when she realised that she couldn't make him "better" (he was violent and abusive when drunk). Your DH is an alcoholic, lovey, and you can't do that alone.

Handhold...

I thought 3 to 4 bottles of wine wasn't too bad - not great but not awful. But 3 to 4 v types of whiskey is an enormous amount and you may be underestimating anyway if you tend to head to bed and leave him to it.

Have you genuinely raised it to him that he needs to seek help? Until he is ready, there's not anything you can really do but if it's the elephant in the room, perhaps approaching it face on might be a way for him to see how it's effecting you?

That is a lot of alcohol. I can understand though how reluctant you are to pursue this with him.
I think you've made a big step in talking to his brother. You are going to need the support of those around you.

I have raised it with him and so has my DF. He said on Boxing Day that he knows he's drinking way too much and he will give up in January.

I only told my BIL "he's drinking too much, that's why he's being so impatient and carnaptious". He would be horrified if he knew exactly how much. I want to tell him I have to.

Tell your BIL. But I would also speak to Al-anon to get the support that you need from experienced people

I'm sorry

I've texted BIL with amounts and he said he's going to speak to him and that I've done the right thing to highlight it. I told DH that I told him and he is furious. He said "he's going to be dining out on that for years he'll love it and be down on me like s ton of bricks! He is part of the problem!" He was shouting and waving his arms" I am so upset now but I know I've done the right thing my parents and his family are behind me . Thank you all

Not all alcoholics are abusive and aggressive but that doesn't mean they don't have a problem.

It's not something that should be kept a secret or you're enabling him, he sounds more annoyed that his brother will now stop him drinking as much as he wants which is a good thing although he doesn't realise it yet.

My brother is a non functioning alcoholic now and it all started 20 years ago with social drinking that became a habit, I wish his drinking buddies had helped slow him down in the early days so he wouldn't be such an awful mess now.

Nobody can stop him drinking. Can I ask you why you told his brother? Was it in hopes brother would stop him? For support?

The latter is understandable but the former just isn't going to happen, he'll just become more secretive. He's reacted the way he has because he knows what he's doing is wrong, because he doesn't WANT to stop and because it's easier to blame others than face the fact the only person who can address it is him.