To tell DBIL that DH is drinking too much?

[winterinalaska]

Over Christmas DHs drinking has got out of control. I had to undress him twice, he was on a mission to drink whisky while we were all drinking wine or beer.

I've just told his brother. I wanted to share the "secret" he thinks he is keeping with his workmates, organisations he is involved in, family etc. People know! He is trying to kid himself that they don't know.

His drinking has got worse and worse over the last 2 years. We don't have kids despite trying for 7 years, not trying anymore. We are Really happy apart from this.

It's a very big step to put this out in the open and not hide his secret. Well done for that, it must have been hard to do.

Point out to your DH that if his family are down on him like a ton of bricks the only person responsible for that is him.

Please don't pin your hopes on your BIL being able to talk dh into cutting down or stopping altogether. Your dh is an alcoholic and if he thinks he's going to cut down in January, he doesn't sound very far down the path of giving up.

If and when he does stop, he will know that it has to be all or nothing. Sorry you are in this shit situation .

You know he doesn't have a problem with drink and that he is actually an alcoholic right?

1 bottle of whisky is 40 units.
So 4 bottles of whisky is 160 units a week.

The NHS advice is not more than 14 a week.

Is he driving the next day?

1 unit is 1cl of alcohol. A bottle of spirits is normally 70cl and 40%, which would give 28 units in a normal bottle or 40 units if he buys litres.

Also....
“Excessive alcohol lowers testosterone levels and sperm quality and quantity in men."

www.drinkaware.co.uk/alcohol-facts/health-effects-of-alcohol/fertility-and-pregnancy/is-alcohol-harming-your-fertility/

I'm not sure that it's a great idea to tell his brother. It's not his brother's responsibility (unless brother is an addiction counsellor or something) to deal with your H's problem.

The thing with any addict, though, is that all the good intentions, angry bollockings, attempts at support of family members will have fuck all effect unless and until the addict decides to stop. If his behaviour becomes unbearable, it's OK to leave him to it.

I think you should seek out Al-Anon, there are a lot of experienced people there who can guide you.

He is destroying his liver. Could you encourage him to supplement with vitamin B as alcohol depletes vitamin B? If he gives up drinking it would be particularly useful with withdrawal symptoms,

Your dh is the only problem. He’s an alcoholic, he must be drunk driving the next morning, you should either leave him or he needs to decide to stop drinking. Before he kills someone.

Also (and sorry to pile on the misery) but it's a common misconception that drink only targets the liver. In fact, it can compromise practically every organ in the body, kidneys, heart etc. And even if your dh is fit now and gives up drinking, the physical effects can really manifest in later years. I speak from bitter experience.

My aunt died from liver failure due to being an alcoholic. It’s a horrible way to go and you should definitely make sure his family know.

Don’t let it be a hidden thing. Not if you want him to live to a ripe old age. :(

I think you should seek out Al-Anon, there are a lot of experienced people there who can guide you.
^^This. You need proper advice in dealing with this and Al-anon support the families of alcoholics (whether the individual agrees they are alcoholics or not) You may find as some of our in-laws have over the years that you can’t do much to stop him drinking, but Al-Anon will advise on your best course of action to avoid facilitating it. (And nb it’s usually ‘someone else’s fault’ according to the person who has the problem but won’t acknowledge it. )
TBH I’ve seen the impact that an alcoholic has on their children, even an otherwise kind, caring one, and due to that I personally would not be ttc in the circumstances you describe. Best wishes for a better new year OP

By letting him keep the drinking a secret you were enabling him, so I don't think yabu. You also need the support of other organisations to get through this. You sound a bit in denial saying you're no longer ttc but are 'really happy' tbh. Drinking is so destructive.

It's 3-4 75cl bottles. Recently escalated from 2 a week.

Today he is very emotional close to tears. He says he is giving up and he is going to meet his friend today who is a recovering alcoholic (15 yrs sober through AA). This was planned weeks ago and I asked if he is going to tell him about the drinking and wanting to give up and he says he will.

I will contact al-anon I'm aware of them through a past relationship. I have seen what alcohol can do and that's why I'm terrified of the path he is going down.

I told my BIL not because I think he or anyone else can make my DH stop but I want it to be out in the open so he is not being enabled by "secret" drinking.

I have been in denial, convinced that he will cut back, it's only because of whatever stressful situation etc.

I have also been drinking much more myself as he will buy wine for me during the week when I would never buy it and this is to keep me happy (stop me nagging). It would be handed to me chilled. Now I just leave it there as I can't function the next day if I have more than one glass of wine and I love my job and want to lose weight and be in control.

I bought a breathalyser for him which he uses ( god I am cringing about the denial now writing that) and he will go into work an hour later if he is over and work flexi time. This has only started happening this year. We are in Scotland where the limit is lower.

It is possible that my multiple miscarriages have been due to excessive drinking but we will never know, they were a few years ago now and I was late 30s early 40s and I feel too old for babies now.

For his health though this had to come to a head, out in the open and I do feel positive that he will stop so as not to risk losing everything if he carries on. That sounds naive but from what I've seen today, his remorse, his actions that is all I have to go by.

I'll call al-anon now.

a brave step, well done, hope your new year improves

My dad is an alcoholic. He hasn't had a drink for 20 Ish years - not from choice but because he is now bedridden due to the physical effects and nobody will supply him.

He has wrecked through drink -

Kidneys, liver, heart, gall bladder, stomach and bowels, pancreas, brain (alcohol dementia) he is in physical agony daily 24 hours. He has bed sores, is deathly pale all the time, can barely see, speak or hear.

So yea, definitely not just liver.

He has also alienated everyone who ever cared for him. To say his relationship with my mother who is now his carer, is dysfunctional is a HUGE understatement. I am very low contact with him, his siblings have nothing to do with him at all.

It is your dh's choice to drink or work on quitting. Be aware of how manipulative they (addicts) can be.

My dad quit (supposedly) several times, aa meetings, sponsors even taking Antabuse - except he wasn't, he was in the pub when he was supposedly at aa, swapped his Antabuse for sugar pills, hid the booze etc.

He'd lose the temper with Drs who could tell from tests etc that he was still drinking. Wouldn't listen, wouldn't take meds to treat the effects because they couldn't be taken with alcohol...

Almost 40 years of this I've seen.

The only person you can protect is yourself op. And to be honest I'm more than a bit angry you've not reported him for drink driving which I am sure your dh will have done. I've a friend lost her baby to a drink driver and 2 others permanently disabled by them. He shouldn't be driving at all he's not fit to.

I need to go to Al-anon. If nothing else to see if they say no, it's you, you're just out of touch with reality (which is DH's line).

Telling my in-laws didn't help me sadly, they were not ready for that information and are/were in denial. Someone else did explain to me that it's not easy to hear about a son/brother having a drink problem. I don't know how this has worked out for others, perhaps your BIL will be more supportive op.

It becomes a strange way of life, we have DC so I quite literally never drink. All the excuse are still there even though he no longer likes whisky by the bottle has cut back.

He drinks the 3 bottles over the 7 days mostly at the weekend and he can work from home or go in in the afternoon so not drink driving. On a work night he might have none. The usual pattern is this:

Sunday - glass of wine, 1 whisky
Monday - nothing
Tuesday - 30cl whisky
Wednesday - 2 whisky
Thursday -35cl whisky
Friday - 55cl whisky
Saturday 1, glass wine, 60cl whisky

This adds up to

2 and a half bottles of malt = 70 units

2 large glasses of wine = 5 units

In the lead up to Christmas this went up and up to 3-4 bottles because of parties and family being home etc etc etc

He's gone out now sober but not happy.

No I'm sorry you cannot know he was not over limit when driving especially under scots law which is pretty much zero, I'm also in Scotland, also I would be VERY surprised if his total of alcohol intake is only what you know about anyway. Addicts are notoriously sly and secretive so chances are he's drinking more than you think anyway. You seem to be minimising now.

Ok but I did say he uses a breathalyser. Won't go out until it says "low" which is below Scottish limit.

OP
How are you ?
I hope things have worked out.
I was watching this thread as a relative was/(is ? )secretly drinking and I told them I knew.
I asked them to quit, to get help.
I don't know if they still are drinking as I no longer see the bottles around when I call.
I had discovered the hiding place quite accidentally.
I was totally shocked. I had no idea.
They may have just found a better hiding place.
I have asked, I am told no in an exasperated tone of voice.
I think they are still drinking but I can't find the evidence.
It was a bottle of wine a night and a bottle and a half on Friday and on Saturday.