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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like returning this Christmas card to SIL

47 replies

ScandiNoir · 28/12/2017 19:07

This is a slightly light hearted rant about an issue that happens once a year and I would love to get your point of view on it. In the grand scheme of things I know it matters not a jot...but it pisses me off every year no matter how much I try to channel my inner zen. By the way my DH just laughs at the issue.

I have been married for 30 years, my kids are in their 20's. I took my husband's surname as many did in the olden days. My SIL my DH's sister has lived on other side of world for 20 years. I have only seen her twice in all that time, but she comes over every few years and my DH has seen her maybe 6 -7 times. She has never met my youngest (21).So, not what you'd call close!

Anyway, every Christmas a card arrives addressed to Mr Noir and family. Inside it says to Dear Mr Noir's first name and family, have a great Christmas etc.

AIBU to send it back with some crib notes on what my name is and what our kids names are? To Scandi and family is what some of my customers or my hairdresser write in cards...NOT a relative.
I know it's ridiculous but I find it really insulting , it's as though we don't matter enough to bother to write out our names.

I told you it was trivial Grin

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 28/12/2017 19:12

Yeah, it's kinda trivial but on the other hand, it really isn't at all. I guess it tells you where you stand with her though, eh? I'm also guessing that you'd like it to be different in which case, maybe you could try developing more of a friendship with her?? I'm not sure I'd bother tbh - her card could make a nice gift label though? Smile

Pajamagirl · 28/12/2017 19:13

Thats so rude
But kind of funny too
Take no notice , as you say you are not close
Or Send her a round robin from mr noir and family
Mr noir did this
Family ( with no breakdown of who you all are ) did that
Or ignore

FuzzyCustard · 28/12/2017 19:16

I get this too. It's annoying, isn't it? I also get Mr & Mrs Thing, when I didn't change my name on marriage. Don't mind if it's from more distant friends but very irritated by family members doing it.

Misspell SIL's name. Differently, every time.

SandAndSea · 28/12/2017 19:20

I think I might be tempted to email her a thanks for the card and just to let you know our names are... Well, I probably wouldn't but I'd enjoy thinking about it.

Original poster
ScandiNoir · 28/12/2017 19:41

Ha ha, thanks for all the ideas, I am liking the idea of spelling her name differently every time, and yes, the email also good but I wanted to send the card back so she could SEE what she had left out! I have been ignoring for 10 years but I the older I get the more I want to DO something!

OP posts:
RemainOptimistic · 28/12/2017 19:44

That is shockingly rude! Is she single or can you address her card the same way?

FreeNiki · 28/12/2017 20:20

My auntie on the other side of the world does this.

To my sister and family. I am in the family and not specifically named.

I have never taken offence. You've only met her twice. Why do you care?

Original poster
ScandiNoir · 28/12/2017 21:46

Glad to know someone else thinks it's rude! By the way I have met her dozens and dozens of times in the 32 years I have been with my DH, but only twice since she moved to Oz! She is divorced so single now.

OP posts:
BroccoliOnTheFloor · 28/12/2017 21:55

I got "Mr & Mrs HisFirstName HisLastName". Which is neither my title, first name nor second name. Xmas Hmm

Saving my anger for the day those relatives need something from me.

Sisinisawa · 28/12/2017 22:00

My bil did this in our card this year.

To DH and family

FFS

He didn't even buy our children any gifts this year either.

This is after a few years of buying us shitter and shitter gifts then none at all for us adults but nice things for the kids which was fine.

This year, no discussion but no gifts at all and we are relegated to "and family".

And yet he is the golden child in mil's eyes Hmm

LostSight · 28/12/2017 22:03

Oh dear. Sometimes I address Christmas cards ‘To freind’sname and family, from the Losts.

It seems I must be the Devil incarnate, according to the replies so far. When you’re writing lots of cards, it takes a lot of time and your hand gets sore.

Is it better to send no card at all? That’s what happened this year as I’ve been unwell. Maybe I’ve stopped someone getting angry!

Tippz · 28/12/2017 22:17

If you have been together 30 years, with kids in your 20's, your husband's sister writing 'to Dave and family' (to his brother and sister in law and nieces and nephews) is a bit weird.

I do it with people who are neighbours/colleagues, and they do it to me, but not relatives.

She is either lazy, or forgetful.

Just do the same to her.

Wouldn't bother ME to be honest, but you are entitled to feel irked.

QueenUnicorn · 28/12/2017 22:23

I do this with some relatives, I can never keep up with their children's partners names and so as not to offend I'll just put 'and family'. If you're not close then I don't see the problem.

StringandGlitter · 28/12/2017 22:25

I once got from my uncle, “To and boyfriend”.

Yes he actually wrote “boyfriend”.

My mum said I wasn’t allowed to send one back “To Uncle Firsname and his live in lover” even though I wanted to.

Actually this thread has just reminded me I didn’t send him one this year. Oooops!

Margaritaanyone89 · 28/12/2017 22:31

Ugh, I feel your pain.

When my dad (45 at the time) moved out of the country with the 23yr old he'd just met. I use to receive a generic Christmas card with either a photo of herself pregnant on the front, or later on, photo's of their new children and inside it would just say my name at the top and then signed at the bottom would be both their first names. No mention of the word 'Dad' or 'love from' or anything. It simply said her name and his name. I.e: Carol and Steve.

What a witch!

But I suspect your case is simply ignorance rather then malice!

Maybe send her a card with a photo of all of you on the front in Xmas gear and write all of your names first and then your DP. So she understand that you all exist?

MonumentalAlabaster · 28/12/2017 22:35

What do you write in your card to her? If you sign with all your family's names then it's odd she doesn't do the same in return - but I would rise above it and shame her by continuing to do it correctly myself and then wait with amusement to see how many years go by before she finally starts doing the same!

harrietsoton · 28/12/2017 22:36

I would send her the next card formatted in the same way, or is referencing her ex husband a bit harsh? Wink

AdoraBell · 28/12/2017 22:40

MIL writes cards to me, but signs them DH’s mum & dad. Same on present tags. Completely passive aggressive.

Just try not giving her head space OP, it probably won’t change after so long.

HerRoyalNotness · 28/12/2017 22:56

Next year

"Dear Mr Noirs' sister"

Linnet · 28/12/2017 23:06

It is rude I agree. My dh’s Friend lives abroad with his wife and kids. We’ve met the three times and the oldest child once but not the little one. Dh keeps in touch with his friend but we don’t see them often.

Every year I send them a Christmas card. I send it to friend, wife child 1 child 2 and I sign it from the four of us, they know all our names. They send back a card to dh and family! It makes me so cross it’s just rude even if they sent it to dh, linnet and girls it would be better. It they don’t even put my name on the card, it’s just rude. Anyway they didn’t send a card last year and they didn’t send one this year either so I’m not wasting my time and money sending one next year.

UnRavellingFast · 28/12/2017 23:18

That is rude and weird imo. As an aside I got a card this year saying ‘to family and of course Which is a new and possibly preferable variant 😂 I thought that was quite sweet! But I’d be annoyed at the family rudeness in your situation op.

Redguitar2 · 28/12/2017 23:18

YANBU. It's incredibly rude to ignore her brother's life partner- married or not, particularly as you've been in his life for 30+ years! I think the 'and family' is pretty standard, especially if you aren't really that close/don't meet often.

Failingat40 · 28/12/2017 23:18

How come you've only seen her twice in 20 years but your dh has seen her 6/7 times?

Do you avoid her when she's over?
Strange how she's never even met your 21 year old son.

Given the circumstances with the lack of contact with yourself, I'm not surprised at the card being addressed to dh as she must feel like she doesn't really know you.

It is a bit passive aggressive but in the circumstances I'd absolutely ignore it.

Bumplovin · 28/12/2017 23:25

Oh no I'm guilty of this sometimes I do all the family cards including the ones to my husbands friends and I sometimes struggle to remember their kids names. Wonder if it's better I just don't send the card. However it was humorous this year as I had a complete blank trying to remember two kids names even though I know the names and after getting frustrated with myself I wrote to x x and the girls but remembered their names 10 mins later so wrote another card- well I must have sent both because i got a card from them saying merry Christmas sorry to disappoint but only one card form us ;)

FizzyGreenWater · 28/12/2017 23:32

Next year, you write the card to her:

To dearest SIL,

Hope you have an amazing Christmas! Lots of love,

ScandiNoir and the gang

Xxx

😁

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