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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about kids going to a NYE party.

28 replies

1DAD2KIDS · 28/12/2017 18:53

I have two kids 2 and 6. They are staying with my ex over new years. It was my understanding that they would be seeing it in at her mum's house. She has just text me saying that her and the kids have been invited to a party and would be staying over for the night at this house. When she has the kids they stay at her mum's house as the place she lives is unsuitable.

Now here is the problem. My ex is a compulsive lier and the people she hangs out with I don't nessersarly trust. She still lives as a lodger (apperently) with the bloke she left us for. He does drugs and is abusive to her. Most of her new friends are basicly his friends. So naturally I worry about the people she will be exposing our kids to. My self and her family know little about her current lifestyle because she is compulsive lier, thus hard to know what is the truth.

She said the kids will enjoy the party, I assume there will be other kids there. I don't want the kids to miss out on a good party and playing with new friends. They are her kids too and I haven't got a right per se to tell her what to do. However I do have a duty to protect their welfare. I can't really tell her no to be fair. But I do worry (naturally) about the people she may be exposing them to and the possibility of drugs being around. Of course they could be lovely people and no drugs. I can only go off the little bits I know of her life since splitting.

Would it be worth just doing a little more digging about the party to put my mind at ease?

OP posts:

Original poster

1DAD2KIDS · 28/12/2017 19:53

Maybe I should at least ask a bit more about who house and what the sleeping arrangements will be?

OP posts:

DreamyMcDreamy · 28/12/2017 19:56

No way would I want my 2 and 4 year old at a new years party with the situation you describe.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2017 19:56

Of course it's worth doing some more digging.

Do you have any plans yourself?

If not, I'd ask if you can have them instead and maybe wrap it up as though you're doing her a favour, rather than not trusting her.

ItsYuleyme · 28/12/2017 20:01

I would not let my kids sleep overnight in a house with other adults that I don't know at all. Please don't do it, they're not going to be safe!

CurryWorst · 28/12/2017 20:06

I would not let my kids sleep overnight in a house with other adults that I don't know at all. Please don't do it, they're not going to be safe!

if they are with their other parent, there is nothing you can do about it and you wouldn't get a say.

Original poster

1DAD2KIDS · 28/12/2017 20:13

WorraLiberty I like the idea, avoids the situation but doesn't create an atmosphere between us. Unfortunately I am working NYE now because the kids away and the party I was going to feel through.

The real problem is I still don't trust her. Its difficult because she lies so much (sort of instinctive to her) its really hard to know what's the truth. I know she loves the kids but I sometime doubt her judgement. If the shoe was on the other foot she would be fine with it. But then she knows my friends and knows they are all good family people. I would never take them to a party that was inappropriate. I would feel a hypocrite telling her no (not that have any power to stop her anyway). For all I know these people could be good a decent. I don't know all her new friends. Its just hard to know what's going on as she lives in a different town 100 miles away. I would definitely not be happy if it had anything to do with her ex because of the reasons I stated above.

OP posts:

greenlynx · 28/12/2017 20:33

Honestly I wouldn't go to NYE party and a night stay at someone's house with 2 and 6 years old, only if it's gathering of close relatives. It doesn't sound like kids will miss out on something, especially 2 years old. Probably better not to ask her questions (you can't trust her answers anyway) and try to find any excuse to rearrange.

I'd ask if you can have them instead and maybe wrap it up as though you're doing her a favour, rather than not trusting her.
this

greenlynx · 28/12/2017 20:36

sorry, just notice that you will be working. Could you ask her lots of questions about the party and offer pick children up later so they won't stay a night?

ItsYuleyme · 28/12/2017 21:09

there is nothing you can do about it and you wouldn't get a say
CurryWorst! Really!
Well for a start, if I thought my children were going to be at a party overnight with my drug taking ex. and her abusive drug taking partner.
I would not be letting them go!
So that's what I would be doing about it.
Then see what the drug taking ex. tried to do about it.
Fuck all as she wouldn't have a leg to stand on!

Runninglateeveryday · 28/12/2017 21:12

I'd definetley ask more questions! What are her normal contact arrangements ?

IHATEPeppaPig · 28/12/2017 21:14

Are your parents around? You could say that they've offered to have the kids so she can go to the party? Alternatively, you could ask her mum to have them overnight? Not sure whether you have the relationship to speak with her about it though?

BackHome · 28/12/2017 21:22

A New Year's Eve party at 2 and 6?? What will they b doing? Wouldn't a 2 year old normally be in bed by 6 or 7? And a 6 year old will likely struggle after 8 or 9 (10 max as special occasion). If there are kid friendly activities in the early evening then home to bed, sounds fine. However, if it's an adult, get drunk, see in the new year event, I really wouldn't think it will b very suitable for little ones(?) Will there be somewhere safe they can sleep? Have they seen drunk adults before? or is it likely to frighten them?

If I was you, I'd be worried.

Original poster

1DAD2KIDS · 28/12/2017 21:35

greenlynx thanks for the advise. The trouble is I wont be finished till after 1am NY day and then my ex lives 2 hrs drive away. So one I would be knackered after a 9 hrs shift plus it wouldn't get there to pick them up till after 3am. So unfortunately not an option.

She had the kids up with her at the moment, since wed. The problem is I try to let her see the kids as much as she wants as she misses them up there. I don't want to deprive her of time with them. How ever their safety is key. I think my next step is to try and establish more information about the party, who is holding it (not that i'll probably know them) and where it will be. Her (supposedly) ex is a concern. That's if he is an ex. She says so (well she would as she's been trying to get back with me). But her parents think she is lying about it as she still lives in his house. I may not get the truth per se but I believe my gut these days and far more able to smell a rat than when we were married. If I'm not happy I could pull the pug hopefully.

Or I could start of by saying that I think our youngest is too young. That's a reasonable argument that doesn't imply I don't trust her parenting?

I know her parents wont be happy about her taking the kids to a party if I'm not happy. But if I said no it would cause a kick off between her and her parents. They would say she not taking them and then they would get cross with her for having to babysit them NYE and call her a shit mum (she has not been in their good books since we split, but then she always was trouble teenager).

OP posts:

Original poster

1DAD2KIDS · 28/12/2017 21:40

BackHome that what I need to establish, what sort of party it will be and where will they be sleeping? I trust her family completely but as far as I aware there will be no other family members (well excluding the ex and his immediate family as he is her step cousin and I don't trust his immediate family).

OP posts:

bayseyan · 28/12/2017 22:41

This is a definite 'no' from me.

I have a lifelong hate for NYE precisely because my mother took me to parties like this as a young child and teen. The loudness, drunkenness, inability to go home when I wanted to, uncomfortable sleeping arrangements, everything about those parties made me anxious and while I have no issue with parties or staying up late now, the very thought of NYE still gives me that anxious feeling. So now I stay home and go to bed early. Can't enjoy it.

ItsYuleyme · 28/12/2017 23:40

OP have you no-one to look after the children if you have to work NYE?
Why are you "pussy footing" round her , I could start by saying our youngest is too young. And you seem more concerned that she may be in trouble with her parents, if you put your foot down about this party. she was always a trouble teenager!!!!!!
Ffs!!!! All this is bullshit..... Your first and only concern should be for your 2 and 6 year old children, being in a house, with people that you don't know, who are more than likely getting pissed and if they're anything like your "D" ex taking drugs as well.

They're going to be put somewhere to go to sleep, your Ex will not be watching them every second that they are there. What if there is a bloody weirdo there??

Please don't risk this for them. If it was me, I'd be driving down to get them Sunday morning and getting a babysitter at home for them.

ItsYuleyme · 28/12/2017 23:43

I need to establish what sort of party it will be!!!!
Well I can tell you already that it won't be a bloody tea party, will it???
Wtf! Are you for real????

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2017 23:59

You'll never be able to establish what sort of party it will be, because as you say, she is a habitual liar.

I'm as chilled as they come and have no problem with young kids attending late night get togethers/parties but I really would not allow this for my children.

If it meant crying off of work (something else I'd never normally do) then I wouldn't hesitate under these circumstances.

Follow your gut instinct here and put the children first, since she's really not going to.

DreamyMcDreamy · 29/12/2017 00:41

Or I could start of by saying that I think our youngest is too young. That's a reasonable argument that doesn't imply I don't trust her parenting?

Do that then. You're not implicating her in any way, not saying it' sdown to her parenting, but from your point of view as parent having a 2 year old out at a New Year Party should be enough,as that is very young.
They should be tucked up in bed at that age, not at parties.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 29/12/2017 01:02

Oh god I'd rather stay at home. Op you have been worrying about this for ages.

U posted something about the other day for it. I thought you were free and didn't know what to do with yourself 🙄

MsPavlichenko · 29/12/2017 01:37

You don't trust her parenting though, do you ? And, if all you describe is true then I don't blame you. She may well love the DC, she may well want to spend time with them. Doesn't mean she is a good parent, or that it is the right thing for them.

In this situation I would arrange to have them myself, or for someone else to babysit. Will allow her to party (which may well be what she wants).

Her relationship with her DPs is not your problem. Your DC, and their wellbeing is. Sounds like you have/had a caring/paternal type relationship with her. But your priority now is your DC. You can't make her a better DM, nor can you police her all the time. Do what you think is best for the DC, not her.

Caucho · 29/12/2017 01:54

You’re not unreasonable given your previous comments. I appreciate you want your kids to have a relationship with their mother but you’re actually being irresponsible allowing this. The fact her own parents tend to back you over her is telling. Love isn’t enough. She may love them and not dream of harming them willingly but that doesn’t prevent it happening. Don’t want to worry you too much as they will probably not come to any major harm but probably isn’t good enough

Firefries · 29/12/2017 02:01

Gosh. The only thing here is the safety of your very young children. Sorry I don't care about anyone's feelings getting hurt or someone missing out on time with their kids. These young kids safety
(and one bring a mere baby) tops everything here. They are not old enough to get help or protect themselves in a situation like that. So sad.

Firefries · 29/12/2017 02:02

One *being a mere baby (aged 2)

Original poster

1DAD2KIDS · 29/12/2017 08:51

So I text her last night. She said what's friends party she's going to and it would a few drinks and other kids. So I got my Facebook stalking thing on the go. From what I can establish it's a house I know she been before for parties. The friend in question is married with two kids (don't know if there her husbands kids). She seem to have lots of parties where there are plenty of kids. I can't see any red flags per se on Facebook. The trouble is how can I trust her? On one hand i dont want to seem an absolute control freak but I do worry about them being around people I don't know. Technically I couldn't stop her anyway as they are her kids too. The past and just not knowing anything about her life up there makes it all the harder to trust her.

OP posts:

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