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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help, how do I handle this?

61 replies

Higlyhighly · 28/12/2017 15:02

Abit of back story or else this won't make sense.

My best friend and I have been best friends since we were 4, we are now 29. We fell out 5 years ago really badly because she moved away to France.

All was good for the first year, we kept in contact via emailing. She then wanted me to visit her, twice a year or so. My DH and I have never had a lot of money, we have minimum wage jobs and always holiday in this country. When I worked out how much it would cost me, with parking at the airport, flight cost, taxi the other end and money to spend whilst I was out there the cost was getting on for £250 which we just couldn't afford at the time and I explained this to her.

The year we fell out was when my mum and dad paid for flights to Spain for me and my DH to have one of those Sun Holidays, so the accommodation was like £40 for a week just so we could go abroad one year. My friend hit the roof when she found out and said I was selfish for not visiting her when we said we couldn't afford it. We fell it massively over it, a lot of hurtful things were said from both sides and 20 odd years of friends was gone.

We haven't spoken in 5 years. She's back for Christmas currently and she messaged to say she would like to come over this evening and see me. I now have two DC's so I said it will have to be at my house and she said that's fine.

I've agreed to it but I'm fucking bricking it. I'm nervous and I don't know how this is going to go. How do I approach it? AIBU for feeling like this?

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 28/12/2017 15:55

Can your parents babysit tonight & you meet her somewhere neutral?

She was unreasonable to expect you to visit when she moved away. However, when your parents paid for flights to Spain, why didn’t you get flights to visit her in France instead?

Brandnewstart · 28/12/2017 16:01

Aw I feel for you! I fell out with my best friend from uni in our third you, we had been joined at the hip since meeting on our first day. She got in touch after 10 years and we have met up a few times.
To be honest things have changed between us and will never be the same. She was v jealous of the girl we lived with in our third year and she still is. Makes things v awkward as me and the other girl are still extremely close. However, we have had nice times together, just not the same as it was before. Good luck!

haveacupofteaandamincepie · 28/12/2017 16:03

It'll be ok. I had a falling out with a very good friend and she approached me some years later. It was slightly awkward at first but we got back on a good footing quickly. Just as long as you realise it'll never be exactly as it was.

Beamur · 28/12/2017 16:04

I fell out with my best friend (huge row) and we hardly spoke for years. We literally bumped into each other one day and the green shoots of new friendship started.
We're back in contact now, have both grown up a lot and she's a very special friend to me.
I reckon your friend wants to be back in contact, let the past go.

Original poster

Higlyhighly · 28/12/2017 16:05

She came back at Christmas time but wanted me to go and visit her once or twice a year.

Annie my parents paid for the flights to Spain as we couldn't afford to go abroad. The accommodation was only £40 for the week and we only took minimal spending money. If my parents hadn't paid for the flights we wouldn't have been able to go to Spain, we would have just gone to Wales like we did every year

OP posts:

billybagpuss · 28/12/2017 16:06

It'll be fine, good luck and hope you are able to enjoy each others friendship again.

littlebird55 · 28/12/2017 16:09

Chill some wine, don't feel bad for not being able to afford to visit her in France but do welcome her warmly.

It must be difficult and hard for her to come to see you, so remember that takes courage on her part too.

Personally I would be putting the dc to bed, and inviting her once they were asleep, if for no other reason than you need to be able to concentrate.

Hope it works out and you are great friends again

pasanda · 28/12/2017 16:09

Don't whatever you do apologise! Who the hell says she wants you to visit 1-2 times a year the gets arsey when you can't.

Self absorbed cow.

harrietsoton · 28/12/2017 16:14

Well I would expect to discuss the situation (and that your parents paid for the visit etc). Also massive a catch up on your lives since the fall out.

Seems like she’s extending an olive branch. I very much doubt she wants to be rude to you, but she’s probably hurt? I would emphasise that you wouldn’t have gone if your parents didn’t pay as you genuinely couldn’t afford it, and that you regret how things escalated to not speaking for years.

I would get some wine and lovely food in, have an open mind and aim for a nice catch up.

hevonbu · 28/12/2017 16:14

Just talk it through. It's now five years later and everyone involved has more life experiences. Good friends are hard to find, so it could be worth trying to become friends again, in my opinion. Maybe she wasn't aware that your parents covered the expenses, or maybe just frustrated over not being able to meet. But all of that is history now.

Jux · 28/12/2017 16:17

I bet when you see e ach other all that stuff will just disappear. I hope you have a great time with her.

lunar1 · 28/12/2017 16:17

I wouldn't have her round. It doesn't matter who paid for your trip to Spain, it's none of her business. Just because she chose to move doesn't mean you have to spend every spare penny visiting her. Life it to short to dance to her tune.

MrGrumpy01 · 28/12/2017 16:23

Life is too short to hold grudges. It sounds like an olive branch, so embrace it. Good luck.

Dahlietta · 28/12/2017 16:24

Oo, this is interesting, OP. I too had a falling out with a very good friend a few years ago and I assume now that I will never hear from her again. I would be feeling exactly like you if she were coming round, but I'd also be glad to be on good terms with her again, so I hope that will be the outcome for you tonight.

DasPepe · 28/12/2017 16:27

Good luck.

My suggestion would be to maybe up front say "I've missed you, we don't have a lot of time, let's spend it hearing about what we have been up to" etc.

I would agree that you shouldn't apologies else but if you decide to move on, don't expect an apology from her. If you don't dwell on the argument and just try and ignore and pick things up as though nothing has happened you might big forget about it and have a nice evening. Make the most of it in a positive way

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 28/12/2017 16:30

Don't borrow trouble. Hopefully, she either wants to apologize or try to restart the friendship. I think it's highly unlikely that she's arranged to come round simply to run you 'up the country' over something that happened 5 years ago!

Greet her nicely, offer her tea, and see what happens. If she does 'start in' simply say calmly and quietly 'it's time for you to leave'.

mummmy2017 · 28/12/2017 16:40

Please don't bring it up unless she does, just tell her how gutted you have been without her in your life.
Firend and I fell out for 5 years, so glad we sorted it..

sonjadog · 28/12/2017 16:47

She was very unreasonablw to expect you to visit 1-2 times a year. Were you never to be allowed a holiday again that didn’t involve visiting her?!

MadisonAvenue · 28/12/2017 16:52

Really hope all goes well OP. It sounds like an olive branch is being extended.

Straycatblue · 28/12/2017 17:17

On the one hand, life is too short to hold grudges but depending what happens tonight I do think she will need to acknowledge her part in things, she was a grown women when she cut you out her life, and you need to have reassurance that it wont happen again.

However in saying that , depending on what you want, if she does apologise, I wouldnt dwell on it .

Hopefully this is the rekindling of your friendship but remember you are not duty bound to restart the friendship and when you see her in person you may feel differently and not want to be friends. Just see how it goes and remember you dont have to make any decisions tonight.

ObscuredbyFog · 28/12/2017 17:27

Sometimes when you've not seen someone for a lot of years and there's been a bit of friction but in the past, there's a "thing" that happens and it's as if all the time in-between hasn't happened and you are great friends, just like before there was any disturbance to the friendship.

AuntieFester · 28/12/2017 17:51

OP, are you sure you want this friend back into your life? Five years of silence because you couldn't afford to go visit her and accepted your parents' offer of a holiday? Very harsh treatment imo.

Original poster

Higlyhighly · 28/12/2017 19:48

Thankyou all for your advice. Just an update - my friend has been and gone, she could only stay a couple of hours as she's going out to dinner with her parents.

To be honest it was just like old times. We talked about what's happened in the past 5 years and we laughed like we always did. My DH came home for his break so I drove her home and when sat outside her house she broke down in tears. She said she felt like we had gone back in time 7 years because I always used to drive her home. We hugged, we cried and we probably won't see each other now till next Christmas but I'm so glad it happened

OP posts:

OwlinaTree · 28/12/2017 19:53

Lovely update, glad it worked out. Maybe I'll try to make friends with my ex bestie this year.

MadisonAvenue · 28/12/2017 19:57

That's a really lovely update, so pleased it went so well! Will you be making contact with her in the meantime?

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