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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disappointed with my birthday?

41 replies

yellowDahlia · 28/12/2017 13:10

I need a grip, people. Yesterday was my 40th. It was a nice day, but not the one I wanted.

Being so close to Christmas it was difficult to figure out how best to celebrate the day. DH's brother and his family are visiting (staying with his DPs) and obviously we've spent time with them and with my own DPs for the past few days, as well as spending time with friends on Christmas Eve. For weeks I had been suggesting spending the day just the four of us - me, DH and the DDs - maybe a day out, a meal, chilling in front of the telly in the evening. Perhaps seeing family (mine) briefly along the way. But DH was insistent that everyone would want to see me on my birthday and we should do something all together. So eventually I settled on going for a walk (we went to a beach - it was lovely but cold) and afternoon tea at a nice hotel, as I didn't want to host everyone again and didn't want to ask any other family members to do it either. But as we sat down to the afternoon tea I just had this crushing feeling that it wasn't how I really wanted to spend the day. Expensive sandwiches and small talk with the family - we've honestly run out of things to say to each other now. I didn't even get a glass of champagne with it, which was an option but no-one suggested it (yellowdahlia it's your birthday let's have some bubbly type of thing).

So, was hoping to redeem the day by spending the evening drinking champagne at home and watching one of my favourite films with DH...then one of our best friends came round, which was lovely and she's relaxed company, but she was driving, DH is feeling crap (another cold) and we ended up chatting/ watching half of an old Harry Potter and I cracked open my own bottle of bubbles at 10pm when I'd given up hope of anyone else offering me some.

Honestly, I know I'm whining and IABU as I received some lovely gifts and have a lovely family to spend time with, but I suppose with it being my 40th I was hoping for something...else. I just feel a bit sad and don't know if it's because of the anti-climax of the Big Birthday, PMT, introvert hangover (I'm so peopled-out now) or the onset of a massive midlife crisis triggered by my 40th birthday!

Sorry for the self-indulgent ramble but I needed to get this out of my head. I want to tell DH how I feel but I can't - I can't tell anyone IRL really, as it involves them all!

Someone tell me it's Just a Day and Really Doesn't Matter - please!

OP posts:
barofsoap · 28/12/2017 13:14

I worked in a teenage family planning clinic on my 40th birthday - good laugh with the staff and lots of the patients couldn't believe anyone that old could possibly exist!
Only felt a bit gloomy when one of the staff said she was taken on holiday to Rome when it was her 40th whereas I was still up half the night BF DD.
We didn't get to go out as no babysitter - and yes 19 years on it was "just a day"

etap · 28/12/2017 13:16

Happy belated birthday Wine

Shoxfordian · 28/12/2017 13:17

Doesn't sound like a bad day to me

Why didn't you just order some champagne for the table? And open yourself a drink instead of waiting for someone to do it for you then complaining about it

thepatchworkcat · 28/12/2017 13:18

It sounds like a lovely day to me! But that doesn’t really help you if it wasn’t what you wanted I suppose. You could have suggested champagne yourself at the afternoon tea though surely? And in the evening too - surely you just open your own bubbly anyway if that’s what you want, not passively wait for someone else to suggest it?

thepatchworkcat · 28/12/2017 13:18

But happy birthday anyway! WineFlowersCake

mrsnec · 28/12/2017 13:18

Mine was the week before Xmas. I was ill. Dh booked a really posh hotel for us and I was knackered and spent most of the afternoon in the room.

My parents came over from the UK but they were ill too so the birthday tea the day I got back wasn't what dm hoped for.

Mil had a strop and despite me choosing a lunch venue to suit her she didn't show up.

My 40th was a little bit crap too. Oh I also missed dd's first nativity without realising and she was an angel.

Flipside to this is I got some gorgeous presents and I don't feel 40 and I am feeling positive about the new year and glad it's over.

missmapp · 28/12/2017 13:19

I was at LEGOLAND with a beaver trip on my 40th. It was cold and wet and not how imagined it !! It was just a day though and I have had many other days spent in the way id first planned. I
But, always order bubbles yourself if you fancy it

UnreasonablyPissedOff · 28/12/2017 13:20

yellow firstly - HAPPY BIRTHDAY Flowers Wine Cake
No, I won't tell you it's just another day - it was your FORTIETH and frankly your dh was a lazy arse about it.

I think the only thing you can do it accept that it worked out like it did because it was so close to christmas and no one really made that much effort on your behalf as they were (selfishly) distracted with that.

I don't know how you are financially but if I were in your shoes I would look at booking a cheap long weekend at Feb mid-term for you and your dh and dc. And say it is to celebrate your 40th in style. Drink LOTS of champagne / prosecco while you are away!

Our wedding annniversary falls very close to christmas, which was GREAT the year we got married but in hindsight was not the best idea as over the years it gets lost in all the christmas guff now that we have dc.

Over the past 5 years or so we have planned a weekend away, sometimes in national, sometimes abroad, at the start of December to mark our anniversary - it is a brilliant thing to do and we reallly enjoy it.

Anyway - just giving you my thoughts on it.

Has your dh already had his 40th? What celebration did he have?

harrietsoton · 28/12/2017 13:20

You can still have another day/night if birthday celebrations? Just tell your husband what you’d actually like to do or invite your friends out.

harrietsoton · 28/12/2017 13:20

Of*

harrietsoton · 28/12/2017 13:21

Happy birthday!!!!Flowers

nevereverever83 · 28/12/2017 13:21

"I didn't even get a glass of champagne with it, which was an option but no-one suggested it (yellowdahlia it's your birthday let's have some bubbly type of thing)."

"I cracked open my own bottle of bubbles at 10pm when I'd given up hope of anyone else offering me some."

You're FORTY YEARS OLD. You don't need someone's permission to drink. Seems like you were sort of martyring yourself on this particular point.

mavornia · 28/12/2017 13:27

I know that lots of people will think that your birthday sounds like a lovely day but I do understand that you feel deflated. It was all a bit samey and too much like every other day over the festive period. Of course you could have ordered your own champagne as pips said but really you wanted people to make it a bit of an occasion and spoil you and crack open a bottle or shout cocktails for all! There isn’t much that would set this day apart when you look back on it in years to come.

Could you perhaps plan a lovely day out with your partner or go and have a celebratory dinner with your dds as you originally wanted?

UnreasonablyPissedOff · 28/12/2017 13:29

I get what yellow means about wanting someone else to make a tiny bit of a fuss and say 'oh let's all have a glass of bubbles to celebrate your birthday'.

I would even hazard a guess that she would not normally wait to be offered like that but this was like a validation that the people she was with had actually noticed it was HER birthday and not just another in-laws christmas family gathering as it seems to have been...

mavornia · 28/12/2017 13:29

I don’t think it’s playing the martyr at all. Sometimes we all like s bit of a fuss, especially on a milestone occasion. There was insufficient fuss made here.

livefornaps · 28/12/2017 13:33

When it's my birthday I order what I want. People aren't mind readers.

Currently finishing the last of the Christmas prosecco. Cheers & happy birthday

Original poster
yellowDahlia · 28/12/2017 13:52

Yy to the 'make a fuss' point. If it was the other way round and a party for SIL/MIL/DM I would have been the first one saying come on - have some champers!

And it was a nice day, don't get me wrong, and I have sympathy for others who've had to work or were ill on their birthday. I suppose I just feel I compromised and I'm annoyed for not being true to my own wishes.

OP posts:
TheDoorMat · 28/12/2017 13:55

Mine is Monday.
It's always a flop...I actually hate it - lol
Instead of wanting anything - currently decluttering our home, I've asked my partners extended family (her parents are dead) If they fancy VIP day at Greyhound racing (I'm paying). I'm estranged from my own family and don't particularly like dogs either!! But everyone else will have a goodtime.
But otherwise I hate it.
Don't drink - Father was a drunk, so despise the drinking culture
Not an animal lover - Mother was and still is obsessed about bleedin' dogs!!

LockedOutOfMN · 28/12/2017 13:56

Happy birthday! I would plan a day out/in of your choice for your next available day off.

Eatalot · 28/12/2017 14:03

I know what you mean people always seem to be massively spoiled on big birthdays and its hard not to be a bit disappointed. However I do find these people either part arrange their own parties or go on and on to s.o about the importance of said birthday- for months/years before.
It is especially annoying when you make the effort for others. Mind you dh was insistant you go out to celebrate and dont wait for some bubbly to be offered thata crazy talk.

Original poster
yellowDahlia · 28/12/2017 14:33

Also thanks for the birthday greetings and the grips handed out so far. I'm gaining more perspective on this already and doing my best to practise gratitude, which I'm a big believer in! I'm have much to be grateful for and I will focus on hat instead of silly little things which I could have done something about if I had really wanted.

Lessons learned too - don't wait about for stuff to happen, make it happen. Stop trying to please everyone - it's impossible. And always order the flippin' champagne!

OP posts:
Underparmummy · 28/12/2017 14:38

YABU for not telling your DH to stuff his idea of how you should spend your 40th and doing what you wanted!

YY to always order the flipping champagne!

...but I actually totally understand wanting someone else to...

sausagerollsrock · 28/12/2017 14:42

I hear you. I'm 30 next week and regardless of what age I'm turning the day always sucks because its too close to Christmas. I'm fed up of eating, socialising, drinking etc and usually just wish it away.

bizmum1 · 28/12/2017 14:47

Hi yellow, Happy Birthday for yesterday. It was also my birthday! The 27th is not an ideal time to have a birthday but I've got a few tips to make sure you have a good day rather than leaving it to chance...

  1. Organise it yourself and announce what will be happening. I sorted out a spa day for myself and my mum (nice to wind down after stress of xmas) and in the evening, she babysat whilst I went out for a nice meal with dh.
  1. Tell dh what you want as a present - I asked for a voucher for my favourite beauty salon (you can probably tell I like a bit of pampering)
  1. Delegate a bit - I asked mum to sort out my cake and scheduled in some time in the afternoon for choccie cake and drinks with the kids and family.

I like to use my birthday as a way of escaping the whole 'cabin fever' feeling that can creep in over Christmas. Ask yourself what you would like to do and make it happen.

My husband is loving but not romantic - he once got me a Purple Ronnie card for my birthday lol - I HATE Purple Ronnie cards. Anyway, he's clueless when it comes to sorting out a special day I'd enjoy so I just do it myself and tell him what's happening. Less stress all round and I'm never disappointed :)

user1483387154 · 28/12/2017 14:49

for my 40th birthday I was in a safe house with my son. No family, friends or celebrations at all