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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he's being a shit dad?

79 replies

User2837 · 28/12/2017 07:38

DD 4 months has a bad cough/cold.
DH takes her into the bedroom every night and changes her nappy and gets her into a sleeping bag before I come and feed her.
I've woken up this morning and she has no vest on. I also felt the room was colder than usual and checked the radiator which has been off all night.
I'm so annoyed, her cough sounds worse and her little hands are freezing.
How can he not think of or remember the very basics of her needs, she's not well FFS!
This is just another thing in a long line of him leaving her in hat, blankets and coat indoors "because she's asleep", and constantly asking me to check the temperature of Bath water on the rare occasions he gives her one.
How can he not fulfill the most basic needs by now???
How do I approach this without just making him feel shit? Why doesn't he retain this information and how is he failing to pick up these most simple tasks??

OP posts:

CowsAndKisses · 28/12/2017 07:41

Is this his first child? Parenting isn’t easy and we don’t always get it right the first time round.
If the heating is on maybe he didn’t realise she needed more layers.

Have you had a proper calm conversation with him about it?

Original poster

User2837 · 28/12/2017 07:48

CowsAndKisses

He turned the heating off!
I know it's not always easy, and we're both learning as we go (yes, first child), but surely if she wears a vest and sleepsuit every night, that's not going to change during winter when she has a cold.
I asked him if he turned the radiator off and he said because it was too hot, but I've set them to be put on 'night' mode when not using them. I've told him this so many times but he keeps just switching them off.
It's really not complicated, and is done for a reason (so DD doesn't freeze).
I know I.can sometimes come across as lecturey or condescending which is what I don't want. But not sure how I'm meant to say it to him without sounding this way??

OP posts:

Appleandcinnamon · 28/12/2017 07:51

Personally I think you are over reacting. The guy is trying cut him some slack. Some men can’t even change a nappy. I’ve had to line up another woman to care for my family if I died my hubby is so domestically challenged. He would just buy the kids new clothes instead of washing them and eat off paper plates.

Splinterz · 28/12/2017 07:51

Nothing he's done makes him 'a shit parent'. He parents differently, that doesn't make him shit. He not endangering the child.

Purplelion · 28/12/2017 07:51

I think calling him a shit dad when it’s his 1st child is unfair. Some people will tell you that him getting her ready for bed etc is more than their OHs do! Just talk about it in a nice way!

karmacoma1 · 28/12/2017 08:01

I don’t think he’s being a shit dad - I think you’re frustrated.

It’s difficult when you’re the primary care giver ( im assuming you’re on mat leave and he’s at work) because you are looking after the baby all the time these things have become second nature to you - maybe not so for him.

I’ve had to explain to my dh (several times) if he gets up with dd (9 months) in the morning she wants to be on the floor, crawling about playing with her toys. Not trapped on the sofa, still in her sleeping bag with him wailing her name as she is (understandably) kicking off due to frustration. < not envy - definitely struggling to find patience face

Appleandcinnamon · 28/12/2017 08:02

User2837 did your baby sleep all night? Or was she up more than usual? If she slept through or had her normal routine she was fine. If she was freezing she’d have woken up to tell you.

Penfold007 · 28/12/2017 08:08

Babies don't need the heating on at night. The rule of thumb I was taught was they need one more layer than adults (may be out of date) so vest and sleep suit then tucked up in cot sheets and blankets. Babies will wake up and complain if too cold, overheating is far more serious. Calling DH a shit parent is very unfair.

Pengggwn · 28/12/2017 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

liquidrevolution · 28/12/2017 08:16

DD is 3.5 and DH still takes her out without hat in cold weather. Never checks the bag
for drink and snack.

Yesterday was a doozy. A short walk in the snow at N T house turned into 1.5 miles in mud and arctic winds while DD, who is on day 3 of cold and hacking cough, sobbed hysterically. It took over an hour to calm her down. DH doesn't understand what he did wrong and got grumpy when I insisted on coming home rather than having tea and cake there. His stomach is always a priority

FrancisCrawford · 28/12/2017 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BillywilliamV · 28/12/2017 08:17

Babies do get cold hands, if she slept she was fine. Be very careful about criticizing his parenting, youre setting yourself up for " only I can do it right". Hes a competent adult, respect his competence otherwise you'll be doing everything yourself and then whinging about that.

Original poster

User2837 · 28/12/2017 08:18

Okay, maybe "shit dad" is a bit harsh. But I don't see why because he is a man, I should be grateful of him changing a nappy before bed.
I've learnt these things, and he has been told them many times. Surely you'd make sure you remember the basics of looking after your child?
To whoever said the heating shouldn't be on - the optimal temperature for a baby is between 16-20°, without our radiators on night mode they drop to 13 and DD has a chest infection. Plus he didn't put a vest on her!
He's also been off for 3 weeks recently so it's not that he's been in work everyday.

OP posts:

gamerwidow · 28/12/2017 08:19

It’s far more dangerous to leave the hearing on than turn it off and if she was uncomfortable she would have let you know about it. I’m sorry but in this case you are over reacting (which is easy to do when you’ve got a poorly baby)

Original poster

User2837 · 28/12/2017 08:20

babies will be perfectly fine if they are wrapped up warmly

But she wasn't wrapped up warmly

OP posts:

IWouldLikeToKnow · 28/12/2017 08:20

To be honest, I think you’re over reacting. It was just a vest and I’m guessing a mistake. If she was too cold she’d have let you know. And the dangers of overheating are far more than the dangers of being too cold. We are all inclined to keep babies’ bedrooms warmer than what is recommended. I know I certainly did. I felt it was cold when the rom thermometer told me it was at the correct temp. And being a little colder overnight won’t make her cold any worse. I definitely understand your frustration though. However, at least he’s helping out with her. Many dads don’t get their kids ready for bed at all.

Sirzy · 28/12/2017 08:21

Actually for a lot of coughs heating on all night will make them worse as they dry the air out more.

The vest thing seems a massive overreaction. He forgot. So what. Nobody is perfect.

You sound rather obsessed with the temperature side of things?

stickytoffeevodka · 28/12/2017 08:21

I'm sorry but I also think you're overreacting.

Your baby was fed, changed and asleep - that's good, right? Babies will let you know if they're hot/cold/uncomfortable by waking up and screaming until you solve the problem, and then they tend to scream some more for good measure

Your baby was fine. Relax!

Caenea · 28/12/2017 08:22

If she was running a bit of a temperature with the cold, and felt overly warm to him, his natural reaction might have been to put her in less clothing.

Be gentle with him. He didn't open the window and push her cot up to it, he just turned the radiator off. Trust me, if she felt cold in the night, she would have screamed the place down.

My DD often wakes up with chilly hands because they're exposed at night - just like your ear might be cold if you sleep on one side and leave an ear out to the elements. It doesn't mean she's about to freeze to death.

fuzzywuzzy · 28/12/2017 08:22

He does sound crap.

He didn’t put her in her usual layers and turned off the heating on top and the baby has a cold.

I’m not sure how I’d handle it without losing my temper.

You manage parenting your dc fine why can’t he, why does he need instructions (repeated) would he have been comfortable sleeping in a cold room?

littlebird55 · 28/12/2017 08:23

I think he was momentarily thoughtless but certainly not a bad dad.

Almost certainly he is tired as well, and you sound worried and perhaps overreacting because you are very worried for your baby.
Your baby needs to see a dr if you haven't been already to see one, so you can feel reassured it is just a cough and will pass.

Three weeks off work is a long time, maybe time for him to return :)

Appleandcinnamon · 28/12/2017 08:27

If your baby had a chest infection she would more than likely have a temperature. My youngest was hospitalised with severe broncholitis. I had to open the window in his hospital room and leave him in just a nappy.
It was a vest. The temperature difference would have been negligible

Olicity17 · 28/12/2017 08:28

I can promise you have, and will do, things with your kids that loads of other parents wouldnt. You will be careless and make mistakes. We ALL do.

Lets hope people dont judge you as harshly for being less that perfect or doing things differently.

MyMorningHasBroken · 28/12/2017 08:30

I have 3 kids and when they were babies i had no help whatsoever. Their dad never changed or bathed them and criticised me all the time for how I changed,dressed and anything else I did for them even though he never lifted a finger to help (he did work full time however, so I didn't complain at the time). One day I came back from a 10 minute trip to the shop with my then 2 year old hanging out of the upstairs window. i was horrified as he was calling to me and all i could do was rush in and upstairs. Their dad was sat on his computer downstairs oblivious. They are now 8,6 and 4 and we are separated. He still won't have all of them for a couple of hours, especially my youngest boy as 'he can't cope'.He gets bored easily and after about an hour gets fed up. When they see him every other week or so I have to stay around and even though we are separated I still never get any kind of a break.
TBH we all make simple mistakes but I certainly wouldn't be going on at your DH for this. Maybe have a word but don't play the blame game as it seems he's at least trying.

SleepingInYourFlowerbed · 28/12/2017 08:30

Does she have a fever? He might have been trying to keep her cooler if so.

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