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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's being a shit dad?

79 replies

User2837 · 28/12/2017 07:38

DD 4 months has a bad cough/cold.
DH takes her into the bedroom every night and changes her nappy and gets her into a sleeping bag before I come and feed her.
I've woken up this morning and she has no vest on. I also felt the room was colder than usual and checked the radiator which has been off all night.
I'm so annoyed, her cough sounds worse and her little hands are freezing.
How can he not think of or remember the very basics of her needs, she's not well FFS!
This is just another thing in a long line of him leaving her in hat, blankets and coat indoors "because she's asleep", and constantly asking me to check the temperature of Bath water on the rare occasions he gives her one.
How can he not fulfill the most basic needs by now???
How do I approach this without just making him feel shit? Why doesn't he retain this information and how is he failing to pick up these most simple tasks??

OP posts:
Original poster
User2837 · 28/12/2017 08:30

Okay, you've given me some perspective, maybe I am overreacting.
I've seen a doctor, she's on amoxycillin at the moment so maybe I'm just worrying more than normal about her.
It does just irk me that he often asks about the most simple things, but then forgets them the next day!

OP posts:
MyMorningHasBroken · 28/12/2017 08:32

I agree also, if he thought she had a temperature, he was doing the right thing - trying to cool her down. It's an easy mistake to wrap them up when what they need is the opposite.

TheWildOnes · 28/12/2017 08:32

I'm sure if the baby was that cold she would have cried and let you know. If she still slept ok I don't see the issue. I would be a little annoyed to feel she was cold but if she isn't showing any sign of being bothered does it really matter.

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 28/12/2017 08:33

I fully disagree.
You really dint want a child that is ill to be cold. And that child was cold if

  • she was less dressed than she normally is
  • her hands were cold

The issue here isn’t about whether her DH is doing things differently. It’s about the fact he doesn’t listen nor is he taking any responsibility for the care of his dd.
He doesn’t listen. See the Bath temperature - surely once you’ve been told once, you should be able to remember?. Or the switching the heater off when it’s will go into night time temperature automatically.

He doesn’t take responsibility. Again see the issue with the bath. Or deciding to suddenly dress his dd with less clothes on a day when the temperatures are the lowest in the year....
Fwiw there are some guidelines about the number if togs a child should be on. And a sleepsuit + sleeping bag isn’t enough in winter when the temperature goes below 18~20oC.

He is not trying there. It’s not that he is trying but doing things differently. If he was he would have thought more carefully

  • it’s hot atm, what sort of temperature will it be during the night? How can I ensure that my dd is warm enough.
  • I am giving her a bath. What can I do to be sure the bath is t either too cold or too hot? What is a bath that is too hot or too cold?

Parents do learn as they go along. But for that, they need to start by accessing information about what is right for a baby that age. Not only is he not looking for that information but he is refusing to listen to the OP giving him that info.

OP I would be furious too.
I have been known to read aloud the guidelines regarding the Togs to H. And what it means. Actually if i remember well, i even had stuck said guidelines in the wall above the changing unit.
And I also left him to get in with things in his own, ie no help to check the bath water!

swingofthings · 28/12/2017 08:33

Your baby will be fine. You are reacting like a typical first time mum thinking that everything is not exactly perfectly, as YOU are doing, your child will be harmed somehow. We've all been there, and we've all learned, usually by baby 2 let alone the ones that come after that babies are not half as fragile as we think and can cope with a lot more than we give them credit for, in your case, a night when she might possibly have felt a bit cold.

What don't survive nowadays though are relationships when all what couples do is bicker, resent each other, feel they can control the other and just make each other miserable.

Your OH is not as good a parent as you are RIGHT NOW. Maybe you'll find that when she turns a teenager and you don't know anymore how to cope with her, he will actually do a much better job than you.

Don't brew resentment and accept that you don't both have to do everything perfectly the same way to be good parents. Give each other support and love.

humblesims · 28/12/2017 08:34

I'm going to agree with the majority here and say that you are over reacting. Having said that, when my PFB was 4 months old my poor DH couldnt do a thing right for doing wrong in my book. Everything seems so important and vital and its easy to get a bit inflexible. As others have said, the temperature thing will not have been a problem for one night and leaving the vest off is a mistake anyone could make. Try and ease up a bit on him or he will lose confidence and you will end up doing everything. BTW my DCs are all grown up now and it turns out my DH was doing fine.

stickytoffeevodka · 28/12/2017 08:35

would he have been comfortable sleeping in a cold room?

Lots of people prefer sleeping in cold rooms and with the windows open in the winter. I can't sleep with the heating on as I get uncomfortable and wake up with a sore throat and a headache. Maybe OP's husband is the same so just did what felt natural to him?

Children don't need the temperature to be set at a certain number to survive the night. Babies in Scandinavian countries are often put in their prays to sleep outside in minus temperatures - I doubt they have warm noses either!

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 28/12/2017 08:36

Btw, please do not settle for crap because some people have had H that were plain horrible.
Because waving a child hanging from the upstairs window and doing NOTHING about it is plain neglect and just cannot be taken as a comparison point.

It would be like saying to a woman who is emotionally abused to accept it because her h isn’t beaten her up or didn’t send her to hospital.

harrietsoton · 28/12/2017 08:36

I think you’re a bit too angry over this. Can’t you just talk to him and tell him that he didn’t dress her appropriately considering that the heating was off, and that she was freezing cold. All that needs to be said. It seems like an oversight on his part but he needs time to learn these things, just like all parents. No need to be batshit angry

Original poster
User2837 · 28/12/2017 08:36

She didn't have a temperature though. Shes got a cold and a chest infection - surely it's common sense to keep her warm. I'm not saying HOT, but the radiators would have autoset to night mode and stayed at 16/17 throughout the night.

OP posts:
FireCracker2 · 28/12/2017 08:36

A vest only adds something like .5 tog- next to nothing. I don't think k most people have heating on at night. Some folkndont even have central heating.
I think the 'shit parent' here is the one bringing disharmony into the home!

Sirzy · 28/12/2017 08:37

But she was in a sleeping bag too so actually room st 17 degrees plus a sleeping bag isn’t going to be cold

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 28/12/2017 08:38

I also disagree about children ALWAYS crying if they aren’t getting cold.
Not when they are sleeping and are in a deep sleep. They are much more likely to sleep it through only to wake up when they are EXTREMELY cold and they need more than a warm blanket over them to feel confortable again.

Naughty1205 · 28/12/2017 08:38

I don't think you are over reacting. This would really annoying me. I don't know why they need to be shown over and over what to do and can't retain the information, or look around and see what needs to be done. It makes one feel they are alone with the parenting.

Appleandcinnamon · 28/12/2017 08:38

HermioneAndTheSniffle Actually you are wrong. Babies hands are commonly cold to check if your baby is cold you check their stomach not their hands. The op is a pissed off first time Mum who has realised like most of us her husband isn’t as capable as a parent as she is and that she will now bear the brunt of parenting until she dies.

I ask my eldest son to check bath temperatures sometimes as I have hands like asbestos. The bloke is still learning.

If she goes demented at him now he’s likely to say stuff it you get on with it love then she will have no sodding help.

MyMorningHasBroken · 28/12/2017 08:38

What don't survive nowadays though are relationships when all what couples do is bicker, resent each other, feel they can control the other and just make each other miserable.

Your OH is not as good a parent as you are RIGHT NOW. Maybe you'll find that when she turns a teenager and you don't know anymore how to cope with her, he will actually do a much better job than you.

Don't brew resentment and accept that you don't both have to do everything perfectly the same way to be good parents. Give each other support and love.

I so agree with this. It's so easy to pick away and destroy a good relationship when we feel things aren't perfect. That is the society we live in. Everyone and everything needs to be perfect. Unfortunately none of us are or ever will be.

FluttershysCutieMarkTheHerald · 28/12/2017 08:40

I don't think this should turn in to a thread of "Be grateful, atleast he helps, when lots of other dads don't". He should help as standard, however OP you are making a rod for your own back if you criticise him and make out that your way is the only way. Soon enough he will feel like every little thing he does will be checked and criticised if not how you want it.

People parent differently, your obsession with the optimum temperature makes it sound like you're parenting from a book.

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 28/12/2017 08:41

But the child wasn’t in a room at 17oC. That what the OP was aiming for.
The room was much colder, at 13oC.

As for having no heating system etc.... we are not living in the 1950s anymore.
And people who do not have the heating coming on at night when it’s lower than 14~15oC, usually have big quilt/duvet. Not a light sleeping bag made to cope with 17oC.

In effect, you need to compare things that are comparable.

If you know that the room temperature is going to be below 14oC at night, then you ensurevthat your child is covered enough. Just like you would.

Sirzy · 28/12/2017 08:41

I do think sometimes the constantly checking is because they get used to constantly being told what they have done is wrong or constantly being told what to do....

deptfordgirl · 28/12/2017 08:42

Maybe he has made a mistake but I'm sure you will make several as well. It's far easier to bring up a child if you work together as a team rather than compete over who is the better parent.

diddl · 28/12/2017 08:43

Why are mums expected to know & dads excused for not knowing?

Removing a layer and switching the heating off seems too much.

One or the other I would have thought!

Caenea · 28/12/2017 08:43

OP have you considered that maybe he's fucking shitting himself lest he get it wrong, and he isn't asking because he hasn't retained the info but because he's scared he will get it wrong and you will lose your shit or he will hurt her?

If this is how you react about a vest, I'd check everything with you too.

Original poster
User2837 · 28/12/2017 08:44

I'm in no way "obsessed" with the temperature. But DD has a chest infection and so I don't want it to worsen. Maybe it is pfb syndrome. Maybe it's just that I feel like I'm doing everything and this is just the cherry on the cake.

OP posts:
InAPickleToday · 28/12/2017 08:45

I think you're massively over reacting.

It is far more dangerous for a baby to be too wark than too cold. A overheated baby won't cry, but a baby that is cold will. If your baby is ill, they're likely to have a temperature and doesnt need the heating on.

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 28/12/2017 08:46

@Apple,
Well I’m not a first time mum and I would pissed off with H doing that.
Guidelines as to how many layers a baby should wear are there BECAUSE it can be very hard to know if a baby is cold or warm.
They are HELPFUL, not to be dismissed because ‘they are out of a book’.
And there are there because many many people do get it wrong (either too hot or too cold).
So why not using said guidelines instead of popping them???