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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re. Unsupervised child in street

33 replies

merville · 27/12/2017 18:09

This is a retrospective one.

My sister has recently raised a grievance/issue she has with me about an incident that happened years ago (about 15 yrs). She is aggrieved that I 'questioned her parenting' after I called at her house and found her then 6 year old son playing in the street alone (her house is in a suburban cul de sac).

Myself and my now husband played with him until she and her ex husband returned about 20 mins later (we tried to take him indoors at one point but were told the house was locked up). I don't know how long he was there alone before we arrived.

She then said they had gone into town to get cinema tickets (it was something like Harry Potter and they were in danger of being sold out). I can't remember whether she said he'd been left playing in the street with friends, or left playing in a friend's house. The whole incident was a bit awkward and her then husband was v temperamental (ended up being abusive) so conversation was limited. We took the dog (our main reason for calling) away for a walk and left pretty quickly.

My opinion was that; even if he was left playing in a friend's house, they should have made it abundantly clear to an adult that they were going out, locking up their house, and that that person was now responsible for their son (and shouldn't let him leave on his own).
I found it hard to believe they'd done that given how few people would let a child leave their house like that, but haven't had the chance to discuss it in detail as it was a touchy subject and myself and my sister have not been close/on great terms in the interim (this isn't isolated to me).

She also raised that I questioned her parenting 'after she was a single mother for yrs' (he marriage later broke down) .. but the incident happened when she was not a single mother so I felt it was clouding the issue.

Really I'm asking for perspectives on the scenario and whether you would have been perturbed like I was and later said something. (I cannot remember what I said but I fully admit I was disapproving and she has been angry/aggrieved about it for yrs).

OP posts:

Original poster

merville · 27/12/2017 18:10

(When I say this isn't isolated to me, I mean she has been on on/off terms with other members of the family too).

OP posts:

Golondrina · 27/12/2017 18:12

I'd be disapproving, yes. But given that her husband was tempermental/abusive, maybe it's more complex?

AuroraFloyd · 27/12/2017 18:15

If her husband was abusive she may not have had much choice about leaving the child.

She sounds like she's had a tough time of it and is still upset about past events. If it werd my sister I'd make sure she knew all was forgiven and forgotten after 15 years and move on with life.

lurkingnotlurking · 27/12/2017 18:18

She bears a long grudge, by the sound of it. I've got a mum like this - I handle her carefully and at arm's length. I call it handling the beast (be careful and don't provoke it).

Funnyface1 · 27/12/2017 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KarmaStar · 27/12/2017 18:22

You were definitely nbu OP.I don't care if my husband had a hell of a temper,I'd not leave my child unless he was in 100% safe hands

Marcine · 27/12/2017 18:27

I let my 6 year old play out, but would never go out and leave him! Did your nephew even know they had gone.

It's not acceptable at all.

Original poster

merville · 27/12/2017 18:29

Yes she did find it hard to stand up to her husband and part of the decision (to leave him and not go through the 'hassle' of interrupting his play and persuading him to go with them etc.) may have been conflict avoidance, giving into his unreasonable/impatient behaviour.

(That opens the pandora's box of whether someone should be excused for shitty behaviour towards their children due to pressure in an abusive relationship - maybe I'm too idealistic/hardline on that front).

I do keep her at arm's length (well we keep each other at arm's length I suppose) but she raised this. She also drinks quite a lot and tends to raise these things while drinking. That's a whole issue in itself but mainly I was just trying to get a wide 'poll' on the original issue.

OP posts:

gamerwidow · 27/12/2017 18:59

Doesn’t matter if her partner was abusive. She put her child at risk to appease her partner. That’s shit parenting.

Cynara · 27/12/2017 19:05

I'm in agreement with pp. Doesn't matter what her OH's temper was like, she put ger child at risk and that's crap. Sounds like she knows it too and it still stings, because if she'd felt completely at ease with her decision she wouldn't hold a grudge with you. She'd have written your response off as a bizarre overreaction at the time, a symptom of you having a problem, not her, and would have forgotten about it by now.

Battleax · 27/12/2017 19:10

I wouldn't approve wildly either but I think you're overestimating the extent to which it's your business.

It sounds like the kind of fuck up that happens to every family eventually one way or the other. ("I thought you had her", "No YOU had her!")

Nobody wants an overbearing relative turning up and pulling disapproving faces at the scene of their narrowest escape.

Original poster

merville · 27/12/2017 19:16

Thanks for the viewpoints so far everyone.

I suggested she and I discuss it at a different/better time, perhaps in person; but I don't know how it's going to be resolved as I don't feel I was in the wrong - and it's not really an 'agree to disagree' issue.

My Mum and I discussed it and she suggested my nephew may have been left with a neighbour who was irresponsible (but that that wasn't clear to my sister at the time) but it seems like a bit of a white-wash.

My feeling (though I could be wrong of course) was that, even if he was left playing in a neighbour's house, it wasn't made explicit to any parent that they were responsible for him and he'd be on his own, locked out if they let him leave their house.

OP posts:

Battleax · 27/12/2017 19:19

You do seem a bit over involved STILL, fifteen years after the event.

missyB1 · 27/12/2017 19:19

You and your sister need to leave this in the past where it belongs, what good does it do to take up past arguments? Just tell her that’s what’s done is done and it’s the here and now that counts.

Original poster

merville · 27/12/2017 19:20

Battleax - that made me chuckle.

But anyway - I wouldn't say I made it my business, I was just perturbed to find my little nephew out in the street on his own (they live near some rough areas and there has been bullying/thefts from etc. of kids perceived as softer, plus there's the paedophile aspect) and I must have said something to that effect ... it's so long ago I don't remember what I said, nor do I remember if I said it directly to her or to another family member who then told her. I tend not to beat around the bush so I prob. said it to her.

OP posts:

theaveragewife · 27/12/2017 19:21

If the house was locked up how did you get the dog?

Original poster

merville · 27/12/2017 19:22

Battleax - have you read the full post? I didn't raise this, nor would I have raised this.

My sister recently raised this and wanted to discuss it - she'd been drinking so I put her off.

OP posts:

carefreeeee · 27/12/2017 19:22

If this happened 15 years ago and the child is now fine (21?) then why keep going on about it? It was probably a misunderstanding and not a big deal even at the time

Original poster

merville · 27/12/2017 19:25

theaveragewife - when they arrived back they went into their house and to do so they naturally had to unlock the door - then we left with the dog.

????

OP posts:

Battleax · 27/12/2017 19:27

Isn't everyone just dropping it now a possibility?

Original poster

merville · 27/12/2017 19:29

carefreeeee - I presume she has raised it again because it is bothering her - in her text she said if she could get past it (my questioning her parenting) we could move forward i.e. have a better relationship.

For my part I was not unhappy with an 'at arm's length' relationship, but it appears she wants to discuss this, and I suppose I'll have to sooner or later. This was a check on my perspective before the discussion.

OP posts:

Christmascardqueen · 27/12/2017 19:34

15 yrs ago...on a quiet cul de sac....if the 6 yr old knew the neighbors I’d think nothing of this. But I raised my little ones in a tiny village, everyone looked out for the kids

Original poster

merville · 27/12/2017 19:35

Battleax - she raised this as something we need to resolve before she feels she can have a full/friendlier relationship with me. It seems unlikely she'll drop it, though I can certainly suggest that.

OP posts:

WickedLazy · 27/12/2017 19:39

Does she still feel guilty about this, and was perhaps hoping you would say "oh, I over reacted at the time", thus making her feel less guilty?

What she did was crappy parenting, abusive partner or not. But I suspect she knows this.

Weezol · 27/12/2017 19:39

This isn't going to be resolved until your sister addresses her drinking.

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