Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband going through midlife crisis

27 replies

Ordinarymamma · 27/12/2017 11:46

Please someone help me, im going insane here!! Got 2 children, 19 and 13. I love doing family things like we always have done, even though the children are getting a bit older. My husband on the other hand, appears to be bored with it all. He, all of a sudden, has to go to the pub and watch football everyine his team is on and then continue to stay out in different pubs because of course random bands are in that he now also loves listening to. I'm just moaning for no reason and also I am very boring. Because why dont I come out with him?? These are all his words. So I yhen have to remind him that actually we have got children at home and on a sunday afternoon there are other things in the house that needs to get done. Not getting pissed in a pub. We have been together 25 years. Ì woyld never have chosen a man who prefers the pub to his family. The final straw came on Christmas day evening. Our oldest daughter had gone to her bf so it was myself, him and the youngest at home, chilling on the sofa, eating rubbish and watching tv. He then all of a sudden got up, went to the fridge, took some beers out and went to our neighbours who were having a Christmas gathering. My youngest was tired so went to bed so i was left all by myself on Christmas day evening. Ì now actually hate him. Ì spent boxing day looking for places to rent. We have not spoken since although no arguments either. Am i completely wrong for disagreeing with this? I cant listen to him saying this because i actually want to cause him harm when he does. Maybe if you all agreed with him, I will understand that I have turned in to a boring old nag. Please help me!!! I cant live like this anymore.

OP posts:

FluffyWuffy100 · 27/12/2017 11:53

Couldn’t you have gone to the party too? 13 is generally old enough to be ok for a few hours if you’re at a neighbours?

Cambionome · 27/12/2017 11:56

Did he ask you to go with him, or did he just walk off without a word to you?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2017 11:59

Your children are older now, adults almost - except for your 13 year old but he's no longer a young boy except perhaps to you?

Is it possible that you need to develop some new interests for yourself? Do you work?

What has triggered this? Is it just this Christmas or has your husband been going off by himself to devote time to his own interests for a while?

SavageBeauty73 · 27/12/2017 11:59

What social life do you have? To me it doesn't sound like a midlife crisis. I absolutely hate staying in every night watching telly and if my neighbours were having a party I'd be there like a shot! Your kids are older and it sounds like your DH wants to socialise.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2017 12:01

I also read your bit about 'things in the house that need to get done'... but you and your son were sitting watching TV - that's your relaxation time - going out to watch a game is his.

Do you have a list of jobs outstanding so that you can both tackle them - at your leisure?

mrsharrison · 27/12/2017 12:05

You're getting old before your time. Your relationship with him needs cultivating. Go and see a band at the pub and get a bit merry occasionally. You might enjoy it.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 27/12/2017 12:05

I don’t think your dh sounds totally U, no, unless there’s a backstory.

Maybe he’s been looking forward to the dcs getting old enough for him to have time for some non-family-friendly stuff and he thinks that time is now.

If your dd didn’t spend Christmas with you because she wanted to go to her bf’s then maybe that made him think it was ok to do a bit of his own thing on the night. I don’t really know, as it probably depends on the child, where you live etc, but could your younger child not have been left at home for a bit while you both went to the party?

worriedaboutchristmas · 27/12/2017 12:14

His decision to start having a more active social life and indulging on his hobbies ( music, sport) is NOT equal to a midlife crisis! His children are older, and clearly having spent their younger years at home he's now got the ability to do more. They'll soon be gone and you'll be sat on those "family" Sundays alone with nothing to do. It's perfectly healthy to start to go back to old, or even start new hobbies and interests as the intensity of parenting young children is over.

Is it the alcohol that disturbs you? Of course if he's getting pissed all the time then you do have reason to be unhappy. But even then - to hate him?! Seems extreme to me

Rossigigi · 27/12/2017 12:17

Why could your son not have stayed by himself Christmas night and you gone with dh or even better he have gone with you? All gatherings we do around Christmas are always open to the kids as well!!

ILoveMillhousesDad · 27/12/2017 12:19

You do sound a bit boring tbh.

Why didn't you go the party? Even for a couple of hours.

I hate football, so I wouldn't go the pub to watch it, but I would go and see a band and have a drink or two, or even drive.

You need to get a hobby or interest yourself now the kids are older.

SheSparkles · 27/12/2017 12:23

My kids are a roughly similar age to yours and although I’m a bit of a homebod, I’m quite enjoying getting to the stage where dh and I can pick up our lives again, amd get out and do a lot of the things that were put on hold while the kids were younger.
I certainly don’t see it as a midlife crisis!

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 27/12/2017 12:24

People need a life OP...even married couples. As people are already saying, your children are of an age now where you'd expect and probably want to start enjoying some grown-up time as a couple.

Why shouldn't he or you go to the pub?

araiwa · 27/12/2017 12:25

if going to a christmas party at christmas is having a midlife crisis, then most of the country is having a midlife crisis

KarmaStar · 27/12/2017 12:28

Hi OP
I agree,your husband sees the children as growing up and developing their own interests and now is the time for you two to widen your social life,develop your interests and do more together as a couple.
It is a healthy thing to do else when they do leave home you will have a very empty life with a husband who has moved on without you.
Join him in some of his visits to music nights in the pub and take time out just for you too.
You'll probably feel invigorated and your dh and dc will be happy to see you being independent and cheerful with new interests.
Have a fantastic future

Fitbitironic · 27/12/2017 12:38

Actually, I'd agree that this could be a midlife crisis type thing if it's a change from the norm and he's suddenly dissatisfied with you and his life. Isn't it a classic indicator to take stock and suddenly decide you've missed out on something/try to relive your more interesting younger days?
Maybe ask him what triggered the change in behavior and try planning some new or more interesting activities?

trulybadlydeeply · 27/12/2017 12:42

I can't see anything to indicate a "midlife crisis" in all honesty. He just sounds like a parent who is relishing the freedom that having older children brings, and pretty much like the friends (both male and female) I know with similar aged children or older. I wonder if you're looking for reasons to leave him and have latched on to this? Are you happy in the relationship aside from this?

Of course it's still important to set aside time to be together as a family, so there's no harm in setting aside certain meals or times of the week where you all do something together. However you now have the time to not only focus on spending time together as a couple, but also rediscovering who you are, and doing things that you want to do, either on your own or with friends.

Why didn't you go with your DH to the neighbour's? Circumstances such as SN or ill health aside, your DS should be fine on his own for a while, especially as you were so close. Even if you hadn't planned on going, you may have enjoyed it for an hour or so?

I also wonder why you don't go out with your DH occasionally when he has something planned. it may not be your cup of tea, but worth trying once or twice? It sounds like he wants you to go with him. Of course there are always things that need doing in the house, but to be honest those are almost neverending, so could the four of you get everything done on a Sunday morning, so it frees up time for you all?

It sounds like it's also time for you to have the enjoyment of a bit of time to yourself, doing something you enjoy. Do you work long hours in the week, or could you spend an evening or two doing something fun, whatever that is for you? Do you have an interest that you would like to pursue but haven't had the time for before?

I am really concerned that you can't listen to him talking about this because you actually want to cause him harm. Of course you may be using this as a figure of speech to emphasise how you are feeling, but it doesn't sound healthy to me. I think the two of you do need to sit down and talk to each other about this, but also more importantly, listen to each other.

kinkajoukid · 27/12/2017 12:44

Perhaps it is the suddenness of the change of behaviour that is seeming off to the OP. And the lack of meaningful communication... I mean, if he wants to expand his life and get new hobbies etc, that is of course not unreasonable, but couldn't he just talk to his wife about these things normally? If he did so it would not be a surprise to her!! And he shouldn't be mean about it.

The abrupt change of pace and interests and not talking/ sharing it naturally is what I am picking up as the mid-life crisis aspect. That can be most disconcerting

Cordroythisandthat · 27/12/2017 12:45

YABU. In the kindest possible way.

Your youngest is 13 you need to start looking beyond the family unit for your social connections and fulfilment.

Are you a SAHM?

nestletollhouse · 27/12/2017 12:48

Bloody hell, some of these responses. Just because he wants to sit at the pub all the time doesn't mean op does. It doesn't sound like he even asked you to go to the neighbour, and why should you when you're spending time relaxing with your dc?
If my dh nicked off without a thought on Christmas night I'd be annoyed.
If he wants to develop interests or hobbies great, but I don't think sitting at the pub really counts, and calling you boring because you don't find it interesting is nasty.
If you're sick of his behaviour op then do what would make you happy.

BrownLiverSpot · 27/12/2017 12:48

Maybe now that the kids are older and more independent it is time to look for some shared interests outside of family/home while you are still both in good health.

ElsieMc · 27/12/2017 12:58

He is acting out of character. How can anyone think going to the pub every night, spending all the family money this entails and essentially opting out of family life, is fine. Its not. He is taking time out from the family for whatever reason and leaving you alone on Christmas Day is unacceptable too. If he asked you and you had decided not to go, fair enough but I get the impression he didn't.

It sounds like he is leading a single life whilst married to you and forgetting his responsibilities.

I say this because a family members marriage problems started like this and he could always be found propping up the local bar. It progressed to solo excursions to Amsterdam, Ibiza, Thailand etc. Now he is having the properties they owned valued without talking to her. Not saying this is the case here op, but it does follow the script.

If boring is looking after your family and home, then most of us are also pretty boring op. Take no notice and trust your instincts.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2017 13:02

Goodness me; the projecting on this thread. OP, get of mumsnet and talk to your husband. Nobody can tell you what is going on in his head and they can't fill in the gaps in yours either.

Talk to each other!

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 27/12/2017 13:03

Yes it’s ok on paper for him to develop other sort of interests.
However, he got married iwth someone who does NOT enjoy going to the pub, drinking, listening to bands etc...
He has no reason at all to assume she should just come with him and it’s her fault for not enjoying it.
He is the one who has changed, not the OP.... therefore the OP cannot be a boring nag.

The Christmas Eve situation is crap. You don’t just decide to go and leave, wo having a chat with your child and dw.
You dint just go out with the neighbourgs, leaving year ur ds and your dw, on a day that is always seen as a family day. Not unless they also are happy to either go with you OR to stay at home on their own.
From whatbthe OP is saying, there has been no discussion, no compromise and no check that she is happy with it.
In this occasion, It smacks of full disrespect tbh.

mrsharrison · 27/12/2017 13:44

A lot of mums ferry their kids to out of scool activities - football, dance, scouts etc. Taking an interest even tho they often would rather be doing something else.
You do things for the people you love. You compromise.
A partner should be treated no differently.

Fairylea · 27/12/2017 13:49

Some of these responses are really unfair. The op isn’t boring just because she doesn’t want to do those things! I’m a 37 year old mum of 2 and I’d hate going to a Christmas party with neighbours or getting pissed in a pub listening to a band. It really doesn’t interest me in the slightest! We all like different things and I think the main thing here is that the ops dh has suddenly changed and wants to do things he didn’t want to do before. I think unless they can find a balance it’s going to be hard to move forwards. I would find it difficult to cope with too op.

Flip

1 2