Crap xmas gift: AIBU and ungrateful/greedy or is this the cheekiest of CF's

[keeptheaspidistra]

I asked sister for xmas gift ideas for her side of the family. She sent specific list of things. All of which more than I normally spend but I felt embarrassed to say this as id asked for ideas (that bit is totally my fault) so I bought of the gift list.
Christmas day- I got a present that cost £6.50 and was clearly the free item from Boots 3 for 2.

I don't get why she'd ask for such expensive presents knowing they were spending very little on me - this is the thing that has upset me not the present itself.
I wouldn't normally be a whingey b**tard about getting this as a present, but part of me feels exploited with regards to what I was asked to spend.
I'm assuming the general response will be yes IABU and lesson learned for next year but I'm in an arse about it nonetheless

They are sending the message loud and clear that they'd rather not do presents

You're probably right Astrid but then it seems unlikely that poster just took a notion one year to buy gifts without any prior gift giving norm in the family IYSWIM? If people would rather not do gifts and that's a change from what they usually do among their family then they should use their words rather than send a message in this way.

In the past my siblings and I exchanged cards and small gifts for birthdays. Now I like to think there's no flies on me but it took a couple of years for me to realise one of my brothers had decided to knock that on the head! The first year I figured he just forgot, no big deal, it happens. The second year (his birthday is before mine) again nothing and no mention in the weeks afterwards. The following year I didn't bother my arse. It doesn't bother me to not exchange gifts but he was quite happy to accept them from me and two other siblings for two years without saying "actually I prefer not to". No he didn't buy for the others either so definitely a decision made and not oversight.

Astrid
Because I’d always exchanged gifts with my brother so it was odd and I didn’t know what to do. I’m the scapegoat, he’s the golden child so I’m damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I didn’t have a conventional upbringing and didn’t know what I was and wasn’t allowed to do. I had no experience or understanding of many adult issues. The person you read about on here is not the person I was back then. I’ve had tons and tons of therapy.

I only did it twice btw. And stopped. We then spent Xmas with them another time at their house. I bought them nice but a lot cheaper gifts again. How could I not when we were at their house? They bought us really shit, cheap gifts.

I bought a $100 bottle of Champaign for my Mum. In return I got a cheap tin of biscuits and she wants the tin because it has cats on it. Yeah, nice.

What? You have to give her the tin back? Of your own present? Oh Lordy. Some people

keeptheaspidistra I think it depends what your relationship is like with your sister. If you are close I would tell her you are upset and feel things are uneven. If money is tight for her suggest an upper limit or a range, which you will all stick to.

If you are not close then next year just buy token style gifts to the value of the gift she gave you.

I do feel sometimes it is better to say something than to let things fester, because at least it makes sense to say a week or two after Christmas, I was upset that you XYZ... but if you don't get past this it is much harder to say in August, by the way back at Christmas last year I was upset because....

If you see what I mean.

My close relative is going through financial issues so I made sure the kids list contained lots of cheap things and I said I would be happy with second hand or el cheapo. I think honestly is the best policy but if you feel you can't talk about, and it won't eat you up then just resolve to give them all cheap gifts next year and spend the cash you save, on yourself.

Fatso* keep the tin, it's yours!

I have the same problem with my sil, it was even discussed on group messenger with my other sisters as to the price limit for the dc, she asked if £5 was enough cash in a card, we all said we tend to do £10 cash/present, there are a lot of dc and we now do a secret santa for the adults as it was getting expensive. Well the dc got £5 in a card, sil had asked for specific gifts, i got asked to buy a specific present which i did and which cost more than £10, i wasnt fussed as i have 3dc and they only have 1 but this isnt the first time shes been tight with gifts, £10 isnt a lot of money when we all know their household income (im on benefits at the moment). Its a shame really because the gift list is going to be reissued next week as its their dcs birthday, and considering sil has form for being tight with birthday pressies too, im struggling to feel generous!

Mummyoflittledragon why is it your sil’s fault your brother stopped buying you presents or bought you ones you feel are cheap? Surely it is your brother who has not honoured the arrangement?

Yabu. Spend what you want to spend, no more, next time. Present giving isn’t a transaction. If you’re obsessing about gifts of equal value you’d be better off agreeing to stop swapping gifts. It just becomes pointless.

Don't buy anything in future. My bil and his partner haven't thanked anyone for their sons birthday presents from October. They all say how rude they both are. I decided i would only get their ds a small something hes only 1 so hes not going to know different. They haven't sent my boys so much as a card. Doesn't come as a surprise though.

Ivor
It is both of their responsibility to talk as a couple about couple’s commitments to their respective families. If she’s not working and especially when she was not working and prechild, it isn’t unreasonable to assume she could have bought a present. I buy for fil for example. I’m not trying to say wife work as the same would apply the other way round were the woman working full time for example. Sil manages to buy a present albeit a crap present for my mother. And she managed to buy crap presents when we had Christmas at their place. She’s vile and poisonous with psychopathic tendencies and it’s a snub. I’m not stupid. I wouldn’t put it past her to have told him not to bother. Not that my brother needed much persuasion not to bother about me.

My point was that your present buying arrangement was with your brother and he breached it.

I don’t see what her working has to do with anything? Maybe they agreed he would sort his family and she would do hers? Maybe she has sorted her family, their dc and she’s got something for her mil and they’ve agreed he can bloody well sort out the rest of his family? Maybe they’re just horrible people who don’t care? Who knows?

But my question was why blame her and not him and I’m not sure you’ve answered it. Not that you have to, it just struck me that she was getting the blame for something your brother stopped doing and I wondered why.

I asked sister for xmas gift ideas for her side of the family

Never ask for ideas again, you leave yourself open!

Now she has set the precedent, so get token gifts at £5.