Grandad thinks he’s dad instead

[earlgrey2]

Never posted on here so not too sure I’m on track with the “slang” 😉
My sister has been having issues with our dad in regards to her wee boy. My nephew’s dad left when my sister was pregnant, and even though I’ve got two kids(one is a boy) our dad seems to have a strange connection, if we can call it that, with my nephew. We think it’s because I’m married and my boy doesn’t carry our dad’s last name whereas my nephew has the same last name as our dad. To get to the point, our dad encourages my nephew to call him “dada” even though my nephew can say grandad in English and in another language two different ways. My sister has had several conversations with him, telling him she definitely doesn’t approve of that because even though her boy’s dad isn’t present in his life, the bottom line is, he does have a dad and our dad is his grandad. And she finds it really uncomfortable to know our dad would encourage her boy to call him dada. She’s worried that if he’s so openly doing it in front of her then what else does he encourage her boy to say when he’s with grandad. It got to the point she thinks about it everyday but doesn’t know what else to say to our dad as he just point blank ignores her requests to stop this.
So, is she right to be annoyed and would she be going too far if she stopped contact if he doesn’t stop this “dada” thing?
She’s also considering changing both her and her boy’s last name and was wondering if anyone knows how to go about it.

Thank you in advance for your responses. Xx

Deed poll to officially change names.

I think going nc because of this is a bit ott. Would he listen to you more if you asked? I think telling him one more time and really bloody meaning it, possibly threatening to go nc, might work. Does he realise se how unhappy it’s making her and how downright weird it is?

My first thought was does your dad have any sons or just daughters? Perhaps he is trying to have a fatherly relationship with his grandson as he desired a son. I have to say I really wouldn't be bothered about it. I would just say to my son that it's his grandad abdcrefer to him as grandad and let my son and his grandad have their own terms with one another. As the child gets older I suspect he will openly say 'youre not my Dad silly, your grandad'. Kids aren't stupid.

It would bother me, too. Your sister needs to tell your father to stop doing it. No explanations or reasons just a firm “Stop. You’re his grandad, not his father”. If he won’t agree then she should threaten NC. Meantime changing the surname is a good idea. You can do it online very easily.

Maybe if your nephew doesn't have his father in his life you dad feels he should try and fill that role?

Maybe a less inflammatory name like Pops for grandad showing a bit of seniority but keeping him reigned in?

My DM was attached to my db middle son. No rhyme or reason.

We thought that the fact of our dad only having two daughters may be one of the reasons why he’s doing what he’s doing nevertheless it’s creepy and no matter what we say, he ignores the request.

Maelstrop, if I was to say anything to him, he’d hit back with me being jealous(as if it was something to be jealous of )and it would end in an argument on his part so I said to my sister I can help her talk to him again, I wouldn’t do it for her though.

Going no contact sounds very harsh if your dad loves his grand child. Perhaps he feels he needs to step in and fill the fatherly role after the childs dad is a twat.

Can she not suggest another name like pops as mentioned by a poster above? Why does it have to be all or nothing here?

Sounds very confusing for your nephew and even more so as he gets older esp as you say he has a dad regardless if hes in your nephews life or not. Your sister may end up with a new loving partner who your nephew may want to call dad or indeed wish to call his own father dad.

It also by default implies some sort of incest has occurred, at some point your nephew is going to be wondering as will other people who hear him calling his grandad, dad about the relationship between your sister and her father. It conjures up some unpleasant images.

However most importantly it makes your sister feel uncomfortable and she does need to make it clear to your father just in case he is unaware of this and if he continues then she has to decide what to do next.

If grandad has refused to do as he’s asked he’s a twat. I’d give him a warning and if he doesn’t heed it I’d just stop facilitating contact because if he rides roughshod over his daughter’s wishes now he’s not going to stop regardless of the circumstances in the future either.

Straycatblue I absolutely agree with you, we actually talked about it just before I posted on here. He takes him to the same shops she does, some of the people working in those shops are the same people she went to school with so they know it’s her dad and there is grandad, strolling the shop with his grandson calling him dad when he’s got him and then there’s my sister taking him shopping and he calls her mummy. Makes one think. Another reason she’s considering NC is because regardless of whether my children have a present dad in their life( I should have mentioned my husband and I are separated) my nephew is the only one to have ever had a sleepover at grandad’s House and is the only one to have his own room(full on furnished) as if he lived there and to make it clear, he doesn’t even go there that often. Not often enough to have a full on bedroom for himself. We would have questioned it less IF the bedroom was neutral for all grandchildren to use.

just correct him every single time.. " grand dad!"" I'm a single parent and at about four my own son got confused at times because he heard me say ''dad''. He always understood my Mum wasn't his Mum.

"even though my nephew can say grandad in English and in another language two different ways."

Perhaps your Dsis could pick the nicest/most unusual of those ways and sit her/your father down and explain (kindly) that "Opa" (for example) is her son's special word for his grandfather and that is the word she and her son want her/your father to use. She could add that, no matter what the future brings, her son will never never have another "Opa", so it's special to everyone.

Then she should also explain (less kindly, more matter of factually) that her/your father's use of dada is potentially creepy and, in time, could draw comment that really adversely affects his grandson, so she wants that to stop now.

Slightly different as I live with DS’ dad, but my FIL refers to himself as ‘dad’ too when talking to my 19 mo DS, eg ‘come to dad’

I’ve raised it with DP a couple of times in a jokey way and with MIL in a less jokey way, as FIL can also refer to MIL is DS’ mummy they also kitted out a full nursery for him with cot and bed. DS has yet to spend more than a few hours alone with them.

Because it’s not ‘dad’ or ‘daddy’ makes me wonder whether it’s just a nickname he’s invented for himself, a bit like pops. But if it makes your sister uncomfortable then it’s not really acceptable.

If nothing else gets through, she may want to try exclaiming that he's got confused and correcting him, when he does it in front of the child, and then taking him aside and telling him that he needs to concentrate and use the correct name for himself. She can also express concern that he's becoming confused and forgetful, and tell him that it will set her mind at rest a lot about that issue, if he can manage to get this right.

If he insists it isn't a mistake, she will have to decide if she wants to give him an ultimatum, to stop using the mane dada, or stop seeing his grandchild.

Does he not realize that it makes it sound like incest,no wonder both you and your sister find it so creepy I'd feel the same [envious]not envy!

How can he be a Father to his Daughters child any other way?

I'd tell him he has one last chance to stop and why(apart from the obvious reason above the poor little boy will grow up very confused)and if he doesn't she'll go no contact.

Being as your sister has told your Dad repeatedly to stop he sounds very controlling!

Yes maybe a blunt, ''stop that do you want to sound like Josef Fritzl'' will nip it in the bud.

That is very harsh though!

Yikes, sorry but this sounds very weird. Like your dad is playing out some sort of fantasy that he is the boy's father.

Your sister is right to tell him not to do it and his wishes do not over rule hers!

He is not doing it for the boy's sake, he is doing it (I think) for his own sake.

You do not mention your mum so is your dad alone now, your mum having divorced him or died?

I am afraid in your sister's shoes I would give one very final very clear warning that his requesting her son call him dad or dada is:
incorrect
embarrassing - as some people may infer their was a relationship with her own father
potentially damaging for the future when she meets someone to be in a romantic relationship with and/or the boy's dad makes contact

Your father is also doing a massive disservice to his other grandchildren, and you, by favoring your nephew.

There is a choice of low contact where she keep contact to a minimum.

Why is your sister considering changing her and your nephew's hast name? That seems a very strong reaction. Is there anything else odd about your dad's relationships within the family?

She’s worried that if he’s so openly doing it in front of her then what else does he encourage her boy to say when he’s with grandad. It got to the point she thinks about it everyday but doesn’t know what else to say to our dad as he just point blank ignores her requests to stop this.

and no matter what we say, he ignores the request.

I think this is the nub of it. Not just focussing on the name thing but the fact that your father is flat out refusing to heed your sisters requests about her son. That would make me want to limit contact.

As well as all the great advice you've been given, I'd also sit him down and tell him point blank that because of taking him into the same shops with people who have known both the father and daughter in their community, the father by insisting his grandson calls him dada is setting off vile gossip that the grandson is the product of incest.

How he hasn't worked that out for himself already who can tell, but surely on being told that and realising how idiotic and creepy he is being, he will stop. If not, there are plenty of good suggestions on this thread.

Thank you all for the supportive replies. I agree mostly with everything said. It is creepy and he needs to realise it.

Italiangreyhound, my mum divorced him years ago. Ever since, there have been a series of strange behaviours he showed and we have been concerned a lot quite a few times. Far too many, for my liking. We also realise that by doing what he’s doing, he’s going to end up hurting his other grandchildren in the long run. He’s always been one to have favourites and my sister was his favourite, and that has caused tension between myself and my sister for years and years, only the past few years, we were able to slowly build our relationship back up. It seemed he started doing the same thing with my nephew and my kids, he always seems “better” in his eyes and we were/are worried he’ll ruin all our hard work we’re putting into the kids’relations between them.

All in all, he is definitely being creepy, and you ladies have just assured us we weren’t overreacting and the name changr is for my sister’s peace of mind. He doesn’t just insist on my nephew calling him dada, he also acts like the other parent telling her ‘don’t dare doing this or that” when it comes to parenting decisions. So yeah, he’s a creep.

I think from what you said there, it would really worry me and I would go nc if he doesn't change

earlgrey2 I think your sister would have good cause to go low or no contact.

If any of this troubling things are of a sexual or a safely nature I would strongly recommend low or no contact, just for your sister's peace of mind.

If the things are just odd or quirky, then I would be less worried.

My parents are both now dead and my sister is visiting today. It is arguable that although your parents set you up for life in terms of security (or lack of it) and forming the young person it is the relationship with one's sibling/s that has the potential to be a life long supportive one. Your dad effectively almost scuppered that for you and your sister (intentionally or unintentionally); please do not allow him to do this for your kids and your nephew.