Grandad thinks he’s dad instead

[earlgrey2]

Never posted on here so not too sure I’m on track with the “slang” 😉
My sister has been having issues with our dad in regards to her wee boy. My nephew’s dad left when my sister was pregnant, and even though I’ve got two kids(one is a boy) our dad seems to have a strange connection, if we can call it that, with my nephew. We think it’s because I’m married and my boy doesn’t carry our dad’s last name whereas my nephew has the same last name as our dad. To get to the point, our dad encourages my nephew to call him “dada” even though my nephew can say grandad in English and in another language two different ways. My sister has had several conversations with him, telling him she definitely doesn’t approve of that because even though her boy’s dad isn’t present in his life, the bottom line is, he does have a dad and our dad is his grandad. And she finds it really uncomfortable to know our dad would encourage her boy to call him dada. She’s worried that if he’s so openly doing it in front of her then what else does he encourage her boy to say when he’s with grandad. It got to the point she thinks about it everyday but doesn’t know what else to say to our dad as he just point blank ignores her requests to stop this.
So, is she right to be annoyed and would she be going too far if she stopped contact if he doesn’t stop this “dada” thing?
She’s also considering changing both her and her boy’s last name and was wondering if anyone knows how to go about it.

Thank you in advance for your responses. Xx

Hmm. I'd be explicit and get her to say 'You do realise when you ask him to call you Dad, that he will think that we are in a sexual relationship together? And everyone else in public will think that we have had sex?'

If he acts like that is not important, or she's blowing it out of proportion, I'd repeat 'You don't care about people thinking that you are in a sexual relationship with a woman who is actually your daughter. You don't understand why I find that disgusting and problematic. Just so I've understood this right. You are fine with people thinking you are in a sexual relationship with me. You don't see this as a problem. You don't understand why I don't like it'. And then I'd go no contact.

Go big or go home. Don't pussyfoot around it - make it very explicit what he's doing. And be fully prepared to cut him off if he isn't immediately sorry and agree to stop it right away.

Thanks ladies, your responses were what my sister needed to see to be certain she’s not in the wrong.

I guess it can't be a cultural thing? In France Dad is Papa yet in Scotland this is often used as Grandad

Nope, nothing cultural at all.

Do you for 100% that he us your father.
As if you think about about the things he did /does.

It sounds incredibly annoying but also hugely over the top to consider cutting off contact over this! If there's not a huge back story, just keep referring to him as Pops or Dad Grandy or whatever. Even if the df is having some kind of dad fantasy, it's not crime of the century.

Yes . I wouldnt be happy with that at all. What do other family members say? For example round the christmas table?

I am usually very laid back about most things but not this. I would be firm on this and make it cleat it wasnt acceptable. I could understand if it was a slip of the tongue but its delibrate and creepy.

What are the other creepy things? I get the feeling this is just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

It doesn't sound 'creepy' to me at all. Sounds like he's trying to fill an empty role and be supportive.

“Supportive”

Person 1: Don’t do that, it upsets me.
Person 2: ignores, continues behaviour
Person 1: again, PLEASE stop doing that! It really upsets me.
Person 2: ignores, continues behaviour

Yup, that’s pretty much the opposite of being supportive is.

I think amongst everything else it should be explained that it’s not just inappropriate at grandad is callled dada because he has a dad, it because people will assume that grandad fathered a child with his daughter, especially given the creation of the nursery and protective approach that is different to the other grandchildren.

Maybe that being put on the table along with the stigma for the newphew it might wake his up to what he is doing? I can only assume he thinks he’s helping out without seeing the implications.

It shouldn't matter whether what he calls himself would worry anyone else. It's worrying his daughter, the child's mother. If nothing else he should stop for that reason.

It's not just what he insists on being called, though, is it? It's about behaving like a co-parent, and keeping a bedroom for one grandchild only whilst not welcoming the others. He's behaving like a parent in as many ways as he can, making the real parent uncomfortable. This is bound to lead to undermining her authority over her own child - most unhealthy.

"Nephew can say grandad in English and in another language two different ways"

I'm not gonna phrase this properly so I apologize in advance as I'm not good at this but I say it as I see it,

He needs it spelled out to him that he is not dada as in father but yes as in grandfather, so could a compromise be grand-papa - "Pa" was used by Prince Harry to Prince Charles the other day when guest editing a radio show. Grandpa got run over ........ etc (sorry bad example)

This is non-negotiable, if not willing to co-operate, will lose connections with this grandson because he is being stubborn

@IncyWincyGrownUp agree

Your father is also doing a massive disservice to his other grandchildren, and you, by favoring your nephew. You should all be in equal standing.

If I was to "see" the child and "dada" introduced to me together, I wouldn't say necessarily say anything but in the cogs of my mind would be incestuous wonderings esp if the connection that I knew was the mother of the child but not the real relationships of the other 2 parties

I hope that helps in some way