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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To begin to hate my partner of 10 years.

61 replies

Amberlight003 · 26/12/2017 21:01

Me and my partner of 10 years have done nothing but argue this Christmas. The thing is he does nothing but blame our arguments on me and sees absolutely no wrong in his actions.

1st argument, one of many where he’s been an absolute started on Christmas Eve morning. I did my daughter a Christmas Eve box. My understanding of a Christmas Eve box is to put a few things together to get her ready for santa. So I put a book, pyjamas, dvd, teddies, chocolate,and some cookie mix for Santa. In the morning I got it out of the wardrobe and said to dd to sit on the bed for her box from mummy and daddy. He stormed into the bedroom just as I got it out and said with a face like a slapped arse ‘what, you’re giving it to her in here, the elves are supposed to deliver it, what a shit idea to give it to her in here’ I said it’s not from the elves it’s from us to get her ready for xmas. He said fine ‘come on then Lillie, let’s sit on the bed and open your box that mummy got out of the wardrobe’ in a really loud, arrogant and aggressive tone. I snapped and told him to snap out of his mood now. He said ‘well you’re ruining the magic of Christmas, all because you’re jealous of Santa Claus, you’ve put some presents from us and they should all be from santa, because you can’t bear him taking the credit, it’s just weird’ All this was said with such aggression, scrunched face, arms in the air, raised voice. I said he sounds pathetic. I said I haven’t ruined any magic that it’s out of order for him to go on like this, not all presents have to be off santa and that I’m not jealous of an imaginary man. He said it’s me that’s out of order and he went back to bed and told us to go downstairs, Me and dd opened the box downstairs in the end without him there.

We argued about this for hours and I was furious that he wouldn’t apologise or see he was out of order. He point blank refused to apologise. He said it’s his opinion. I said that’s fine but it’s the way he addresses things but he wouldn’t have any of it.

At this moment I can’t stand the bloke. I actually hate his fucking guts. There’s been one thing after the other and he’s often like it, not just this Christmas. When pulled up on it he just throws it back in my face and acts like i deserve to spoken to like shit. It seems so standard to him now. How do I get him to realise that this sort of thing (e.g the Christmas Eve box saga) is not the norm in a loving relationship?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 26/12/2017 21:36

He is truly vile. You cannot continue like this.

Abbotswood · 26/12/2017 21:36

Hate to say this, could he be having an affair, he seems determined to make you want to leave?

Branleuse · 26/12/2017 21:36

Theres not even any point discussing it or arguing over it. I dont think theres much there left to save at this point. Youve both got to the contempt stage.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 26/12/2017 21:38

It sounds an absolutely miserable life for your daughter.

The pair of you sound like you hate each other tbh. You openly admit you hate his guts and he clearly hates yours. Please end the relationship for the sake of your little girl. No child deserves to be brought up in this toxic atmosphere.

CallMeDollFace · 26/12/2017 21:39

It’s not supposed to be like this. Can you see a future with him, when this is how it is? Time to plan your options and choose. Flowers

MotherCupboard · 26/12/2017 21:39

Why are you putting your poor child through this?

Wilburissomepig · 26/12/2017 21:43

OP, I lived with a petty minded, arrogant prick of a man for 15 years. Please, please get yourself and your DD out of your situation now. It will not get better, it will get worse and worse until you hate the sound of his breathing. He will turn the most innocent, innocuous situation into a drama and it'll all be your fault. He will never see that he is in the wrong and he will never apologise.

Do it now, while your DD is still young. Don't let her grow up thinking this is normal.

CallMeDollFace · 26/12/2017 21:46

Might just be me, Mother, but are you blaming the op here? Or are you (with kind intentions) just trying to shock into action? I don’t think it’s the time to be harsh now.

TheSameCoin · 26/12/2017 21:46

He’s an absolute cunt. Honestly, what a twat. I used to be married to such a man. He could start an argument over nothing, made nasty comments all the time, deliberately ruined nice things i’d planned for the DC etc. I left him 4 years ago and have never once regretted it. The DCs and I have just had a lovely Christmas on our own. LTB. Life is too short.

plominoagain · 26/12/2017 21:46

Bugger that for a game of soldiers . He sounds like he’s spoiling for a fight whatever you do . Best to pack it all in now for all your sakes .

TeaAndToast85 · 26/12/2017 21:48

Please have my first ever LTB. He sounds dreadful, you deserve to be happy.

Partridgeinabeartree · 26/12/2017 21:48

Jesus, get away from this abuser as soon as possible. 💐

Schmoochypoos · 26/12/2017 21:55

He sounds vile.
Don’t waste your life with him

maygirl27 · 26/12/2017 21:56

You're better off without him. He's a total arsehole.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/12/2017 21:57

Your poor DD

That's what I thought Charley

Poor little soul won't know what's wrong. Christmas will become a time of upset instead of joy for her if this continues.

You really need to think about your relationship DP - and put your DD first.

Turkkadin · 26/12/2017 21:59

" The Elves should have brought it". Is he living in some sort of Harry Potter world? Seriously, you and your lovely little girl will never ever have a happy peaceful life with this argumentative joy sucker.
What are you planning to do?

Amberlight003 · 26/12/2017 22:01

I don’t want to put her through this. I grew up in a violent household, my mum and dad physically and emotionally abused each other and I don’t want my children to ever witness what I did. I want best for them, I have a young baby also. I always think to myself well the best is having a roof over your head with both parents supporting you. I keep hoping things will get better. Running out of hope right now.

OP posts:
Goodgirl7 · 26/12/2017 22:09

He sounds really horrible, so unreasonable and frankly a bully. I would tell him once to fix up or f**k off!

Amberlight003 · 26/12/2017 22:12

Another thing today. We went for a meal as wanted to get out. Went shopping first then meal. Walked to the restaurant from the town centre. I went inside to see if there was a table and see a young lad he used to work with that he liked a lot. I come out and tell him that there’s a table and that I saw so and so in there. He said ah fuck that we’re not going in there let’s go. I said hang on our table the waitress just got for us Is well away from this person and you’d only have to say hello if you saw them, what’s the big deal. He said no we’re going. I said well dd needs some food really and the toilet so I said come on! He said ‘oh ffs, you’re out of order you are’. It’s things like that. He got in there and ended up going over himself to this lad, chatting and exchanging numbers anyway! But no he just causes tension outside. It’s So normal for him.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 26/12/2017 22:12

Has he always been inclined to pick fights for no reason, has he steadily got worse, or were things OK when you obeyed his every word without question? You mention growing up in an abusive household - unfortunately, this tends to mean that people choose abusive partners when they grow up, because an abuser feels somehow familiar and comforting.
Do get rid. He treats you and DC with contempt, and it won't improve, no matter what, because he likes spoiling everything for you.

ArchchancellorsHat · 26/12/2017 22:15

well the best is having a roof over your head with both parents supporting you.
I think the key there is having the parents supporting you. Would you call this a supportive relationship, for you or her or the baby? If you were your daughter, what would you be thinking about all this?

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/12/2017 22:16

He said ‘well you’re ruining the magic of Christmas, all because you’re jealous of Santa Claus, you’ve put some presents from us and they should all be from santa, because you can’t bear him taking the credit, it’s just weird’

Can he name a single time men do a shit-ton of work and give all the credit to an imaginary woman? No? There's a reason for that. Arsehole.

Leave. He's a nasty, nasty man.

BewareOfDragons · 26/12/2017 22:21

You have picked an emotional abusive volatile man to father your children.

Get him out. Get him out. Get him out.

He is vile, nasty and you will always be the one in the wrong, even when yo're clearly not. And he's doing all this in front of your children.

Get rid!

Rossigigi · 26/12/2017 22:23

My ex dp was very much like this.

The turning point came when I was called into school when he was about 6, because he had been upset in school about mummy and daddy arguing. Actual we hadn't argued, it was the 'silent treatment' he was giving me which meant we were walking on eggshells.

That was the day I told him to move out.

Funny enough my ds was on about this earlier and how he wishes me and dp hadn't split up, but he hated it when we were living together and always having a 'sick feeling' in his tummy.
Just something for you to think about. Sorry you are going through this though, it's crap.

Turkkadin · 26/12/2017 22:29

He is never going to turn into a nice patient guy because he isn't one. He is a nasty little Hitler. Your life will always be fraught and full of disagreements and disappointments. The stark reality is you either stay and live with his vileness or you make the break for a chance of happiness with your children. Believe me, because I've been there.