I AM being unreasonable...but I can’t stop

[Coffeeplease88]

I hope you’ve had a lovely Christmas 🎄

I am being unreasonable, because I’m back here asking for advice and understanding.

I have been in a relationship nearly a year with many incidents, including a thread on Mumsnet which he found. In this time I have almost lost my best friend because she cannot abide me being with him, I have developed crippling anxiety and a month or so ago diagnosed with BPD. Prior to this relationship I have been in two other relationships for 3 and 7 years, both of which I left because they become abusive, both of which resulted in two beautiful children .
I am at times obsessed with my current boyfriend. I am studying a masters and cannot focus, I feel so insecure and constantly think of him. I drive to his as much as I can (when I haven’t got my children), but it is almost becoming a form of self harm. I feel desperate. I am anxious, second guessing and panicky when I’m
With him. But there are morsels of absolute joy and pride, where I get a glimpse of what I could have, where I feel so much love.
He has had a terrible time and in pain himself, his ex took their son to visit her family 400 miles away and never returned, so he has a great deal to deal with. He is a good person, very charismatic and generous and empathetic, very clever and incredibly funny.
There have been issues around sex, to the point where I know have a panic attack if it is mentioned when we are not together, and I’m an idiot because I then ignore his texts, and he accuses me of playing games.
The recent diagnosis/episode has added another layer of turmoil....I struggle with perceptions of what is really happening, and due to poor self image it leaves plenty of room for me to blame myself, which I do, even writing this I know is wrong, but I have that desperate feeling....I think I spend 99% of my head space thinking about a relationship that has probably caused 99% of my current and absolute worse episode.
I feel as though I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole, where I’ve become a shell, a burden, and I’m doing nothing right, I’m failing in all directions, and failing people that love me.

ANY advice, In whatever form would be so greatly appreciated.

So sorry for you.
You seem to have been messed around a few times and become needy because of, which leads to doubt about him and other things.

Maybe get a book write it all down each issue on a page and then write what you feel is an answer to each problem.
Sometimes you find there are not as many problems as you think.

You need professional help. Talk to someone x

Hey mummy and etap, thanks for your replies. I am recieving help, my uni are fully aware , I have a CPN (although I don’t think I will for much longer if it all) and my uni are funding private counselling , so I am very lucky in that respect.
My counsellor tells me I MUST leave the relationship, as has my CPN due to it being so stressful. And in my defence , I very very rarely cause upset....the mumsnet incident was not one of my finest hours, all replies basically called the relationship absuive. I do agree that relationships are a trigger for me, and although I try so very hard to keep it to myself, I do get upset very easily. I am fully aware I need to concentrate on myself and my children and my masters, but I am struggling. I’ve forgotten what a healthy relationship is and how it feels...and I’m so scared of hurt, that I dip my toe into the relationship and cause him upset at times.

I also don’t want to place all the blame at his door as that isn’t fair, it’s certainly not all his fault. I have gone along with things at times and not communicated how deeply disturbing I’ve found it, that’s not his fault at all, it’s also not his fault that I cannot stop thinking about the relationship, he can’t control my thoughts

I remember your other thread. You must leave him, you know you have to. You can do this. Did you read up on limerence? If you google how to survive or recover from limerence there are some good resources online.

If we don't love ourselves how can we expect others to love us.
The very fact you came on here to talk means you know your not happy.
Maybe it's time to see how a life free of men troubles works.
You don't need someone in your life who makes you feel about about things, it's not supposed to be like that.
Tell him you want to break up, and feel you don't work as a couple.
Put yourself in the front, and do things that make you smile, even if it's just a walk in the park, this is Your life and you need to make it a good one.

You don't have to be in a relationship, OP. It isn't like eating and sleeping, it is something you can choose to do; or choose not to do if it isn't benefiting you or the time isn't right.

Going on very little information this does not sound like the time in your life for you to be embarking upon a relationship with someone.

Maybe it's time to see how a life free of men troubles works.

Definitely. Make the decision to end the relationship and to give energy to yourself, your children and your work.
I know it's not so easy, but no-one can do that for you.

Look into Dialectal Behavioural Therapy

Emily, I’ve looked up limerence , and I defiantly display components of it, although I do hide it quite well...to the point where a few weeks ago DP spent a week telling me I don’t have time for him, and briefly broke up with me over it, whereas I hadn’t realised anything had changed, I ring,text and drive to him as much as I can.
I know in my core I am a good person, but I have absolutely lost my way...and, this may sound terrible, I’m angry that I have allowed myself to be treated this way and have suffered terribly for it, where I feel as though I’m going mad.
RatRoly...I know I have a choice,it’s difficult to explain, I know I have a choice but I also don’t feel I do. Sometimes I get so stressed driving to him , I feel so pressured, but the thought “you could go later” or “the traffic is too much, to tomorrow” doesn’t really come into it as I don’t want to let him down or make him feel as though I’m not interested, or annoy him

Are you living with some —violent, volatile— bloke you have been in a relationship with for less than a year? Or have I misunderstood?

A baby to every other man who has featured in your life.

Marriage is deemed “ unfashionable “ but at least wives had some comeback. Why does it everyone rush into having babies with semi-serious boyfriends then moan when he dumps them?

Sometimes I get so stressed driving to him , I feel so pressured, but the thought “you could go later” or “the traffic is too much, to tomorrow” doesn’t really come into it as I don’t want to let him down or make him feel as though I’m not interested, or annoy him..

Please your hurting yourself to please someone, who then tells your not into him, how much more proof does he need....

Time to turn the car round and go home...
Call him and just say he is right, this isn't work and stop it.
Imagine the freedom of not having to carry his happiness around on your back all the time.

There's a netflix series called Crazy Ex girlfriend

You should watch it. It's quite a sympathetic look at borderline personality disorder.

Priscilla...thank you for your reply. I don’t really think it very relevant, or perhaps it is. I absolutely did not just have my children in those circumstances, I was in serious relationships, houses bought and wallpaper on the chimney...I do agree that it is an unbelievable shame, and I carry that guilt that the relationships didn’t work all the time. I am a very good mother, as I’m sure we all are. I’m not an over dramatic freak show(not that you said that, another poster did), I just have moments where I get in a pickle and feel desperate, hence my post. I honestly don’t think marriage is unfashionable, I think it’s full of meaning.

Sorry everyone,I’m not coming across well. I suppose I came here because I try to hide how I feel, and act “normal” 99% of the time, so I just wanted to hear something comforting.

If you've been recently diagnosed with BPD you need stability, you need a fairly intense year or two of DBT, you don't need something that is an unstable force. I haven't seen your other threads or posts but this relationship is clearly exacerbating the BPD characteristics and causing you to think and act in ways you don't want to and recognise (well done!) as being disordered thinking. Take some time for yourself and your kids, BPD is HARD work, but as I'm sure you know DBT can be very effective with 90% of people who stick with it no longer meeting the criteria for a diagnosis were they to walk through the door 5 years later.

Why have you decided to hang your self-esteem on what someone else thinks of you? Who cares if he gets annoyed? Who cares if he thinks you're not interested? Who even IS this guy?? Perhaps you think it will be easier to maintain his approval than to like yourself. I'm surprised he's going along with this tbh, that alone makes me distrust him. You're pretty obviously vulnerable.

Seriously, I don't think you're in a great place to be with someone right now. Have you ever been happily single?

Oh OP, I'm sorry

Op don't worry about Pricilla, she's wandering around mumsnet being a cunt to everyone. I think she's hungover.

Coffee, I suspect that you keep asking for advice because you are hoping that someone will say something different.
You are an intelligent woman with a great deal of insight and a support system in place.
You know what the answer is - just as I knew. You don’t want to accept it though.
You have described an abusive relationship. You have detailed acts of abuse and you imply your boyfriend’s abuse throughout your posts.
It is very simple - however complex your mental state is - he is abusive. The relationship is destructive and harmful to you and to recover your stability and a sense of wellbeing you have to end it.
Your children need you as stable, well and functional as possible. That is not being created in your current relationship.
I am sorry that you are in this position and am familiar with it from my own life.
You need to treat yourself as if you have an addiction. Alcoholics have to stop drinking, people like you and me have to stop being involved with people that are abusive.
You might also find CoDA useful: www.coda-uk.org/?page=about-co-dependency Their program and meetings are run along 12 step lines and I am finding it really helpful.

@JaffaCakes, the OP has borderline personality disorder, which is why she is acting the way she does. There is no need for your nasty comments.

@Coffee, I would second the suggestion of DBT. Is your current counsellor trained in this? BPD is extremely complex, and an unsuitable therapist could do more harm than good.

Be kind to yourself. You've acknowledged that the relationship is unhealthy and that's a start, even if you don't feel able to walk away from it right now.

From what I have read limerance is just another term for love addiction and components of BPD.
Separating from an attachment figure causes acute emotional and physical distress. This is due to the biochemical processes associated with attachment and separation. These are similar to the biochemistry of addiction to substances and the process of overcoming it is similar too. Over time the processes normalise and the pain and distress disappears.
If the person has BPD (although I prefer the term EUPD as has fewer negative associations and less stigma) then separation is even more painful and difficult to cope with. Hence the volatile and self destructive behaviour.

FuckedUpPanda, Rat and Iris, thank you so much for some comforting words...Becotide...hahahaha! Thank you for that!
I am on the waiting list for DBT and complex trauma.
The sometimes distorted view of reality make me internalise everything and blame myself so it’s very difficult to judge situations.
I have been single yes, for over a year before meeting current, I was fine, I really got into healthy cooking and read books on how to raise happy children 🙈 so I can do it. But it’s this feeling of constantly trying to be enough, feeling conflict because I know the answer, but as you’ve pointed out, it’s like an addiction and you justify it

Bomb....thank you so much so saying that.