I AM being unreasonable...but I can’t stop

[Coffeeplease88]

I hope you’ve had a lovely Christmas 🎄

I am being unreasonable, because I’m back here asking for advice and understanding.

I have been in a relationship nearly a year with many incidents, including a thread on Mumsnet which he found. In this time I have almost lost my best friend because she cannot abide me being with him, I have developed crippling anxiety and a month or so ago diagnosed with BPD. Prior to this relationship I have been in two other relationships for 3 and 7 years, both of which I left because they become abusive, both of which resulted in two beautiful children .
I am at times obsessed with my current boyfriend. I am studying a masters and cannot focus, I feel so insecure and constantly think of him. I drive to his as much as I can (when I haven’t got my children), but it is almost becoming a form of self harm. I feel desperate. I am anxious, second guessing and panicky when I’m
With him. But there are morsels of absolute joy and pride, where I get a glimpse of what I could have, where I feel so much love.
He has had a terrible time and in pain himself, his ex took their son to visit her family 400 miles away and never returned, so he has a great deal to deal with. He is a good person, very charismatic and generous and empathetic, very clever and incredibly funny.
There have been issues around sex, to the point where I know have a panic attack if it is mentioned when we are not together, and I’m an idiot because I then ignore his texts, and he accuses me of playing games.
The recent diagnosis/episode has added another layer of turmoil....I struggle with perceptions of what is really happening, and due to poor self image it leaves plenty of room for me to blame myself, which I do, even writing this I know is wrong, but I have that desperate feeling....I think I spend 99% of my head space thinking about a relationship that has probably caused 99% of my current and absolute worse episode.
I feel as though I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole, where I’ve become a shell, a burden, and I’m doing nothing right, I’m failing in all directions, and failing people that love me.

ANY advice, In whatever form would be so greatly appreciated.

I've not read your other thread OP but you sound very confused and anxious. Surely to be in a good relationship, you need to be in a good place yourself. Why not take a break from this relationship and focus on you for a while? If your best friend is so against this relationship, I think you need to address why and take a step back from it all to gain some perspective.

Coffeeplease, he's not the answer. Nobody is the answer. YOu have to seek happiness and stability within yourself, nobody can come and give it to you.

I think it’s quite clear what I need to do ...I feel really guilty , but really, I don’t think he’ll be that bothered. This sounds very twisted ,but he’s 17 years older, and my father has never been bothered with me...when I was younger he’d pop in and out after my mother and him divorced but he’s not a good person. I’ve got permission from my children’s fathers to change their surname (double barrelled) to my mothers maiden name so I’m able to cut ties

I think it’s possibly related

Second thread I've read in the last hour where JaffaCakes4TeaNow and Pricilla are being nasty fuckwits. Are they a sockpuppeting troll?

you need to make the conscious decision and practice the self discipline to stay single/man free for a couple of years.
Simply so you can properly focus on healing your inner wounds and building up your self worth and esteem without it being dependent on a man/partner.