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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Constant feeding AIBU

26 replies

3ambanana · 26/12/2017 12:55

Ok, so driven home from parents in a strop.
Bit of background - my Mother is someone who has many issues with food and has pushed a lot of this onto me and my brothers. She also has a lot of ideas about how much and what I should be eating while continually feeding my brothers and DD (4). She also eats very little herself, just prepares stuff for other people. My parents live some distance away and bring chocolate etc… in huge quantities whenever they come to see us.
This morning my Mum gave DD cocopops (brought in specially) for breakfast at 7. Then at 9am asked her if she wanted a bacon sandwich. To which I said no, she can have one for lunch. If you'd been planning on making bacon sandwiches why didn't you tell us and we'd have waited. So then my Mum goes and wakes my 33 year old brother (no sign of life yet) and asks him if he wants one. Of course DD isn't going to let Uncle eat one without having one herself so I did get a bit cross, she was undermining me, and asked why they couldn't just wait and why he wasn't capable of making his own breakfast, like I did. She would never make a bacon sandwich for me, or herself.
Cue my Mum shouting and bursting into tears about working her ass off (she did xmas dinner yesterday - only because they won't come to us, I'd have rather stayed at home but I thought DD would want to see them, and vice versa) and my Dad started shouting at me for being unreasonable. Really shouting so I packed up, let my DD eat said sandwich and left.

No one apologised. I am currently pregnant and exhausted and prob over emotional. Maybe I should apologise? DH stayed silent throughout and prob thinks I'm being a twat. AIBU?

OP posts:

Hopeful103 · 26/12/2017 13:02

Yanbu for not wanting her to feed your dd so soon after.
Yabu for not wanting anyone to eat because your dd might want one. That's controlling everyone else. It's actually her business If she wants to make food for anyone.

user1483387154 · 26/12/2017 13:06

You are over reacting in this instance.

MrsKoala · 26/12/2017 13:06

My kids have breakfast at about 7am. We have breakfast at about 9am. They often have a bit of ours then too. I wouldn't expect other people not to eat just in case my kids wanted some too. YABU. You either let your DD have a sandwich with everyone else or tell her she can't. (i'd be fine if mine had cereal and then 2 hours later a sandwich - that doesn't seem a lot to me either)

Original poster

3ambanana · 26/12/2017 13:16

It's not so much that I wanted to stop others from eating. Of the others there it would have only been DD eating a sandwich, DF is veggie, my Mum doesn't eat and applies that to me so I wouldn't have been asked and DH was eating toast at the time so didn't want one. If everyone was eating I'd have been fine with it. But when I aid no for DD (I didn't actually say not but can we wait 'til nearer lunch) she actively went and woke my brother. He may not have been up until lunchtime anyway. It was like she desperately needed to make someone a sandwich.

I clearly am being a bit over the top though. I think it's bigger issues coming out in a fairly trivial situation.

OP posts:

Maelstrop · 26/12/2017 13:20

I don’t think you’re unreasonable, actually, but would have let it go or spoken to mum quietly. Why didn’t you just ask for a bacon sandwich yourself? If she persistently ignores you when offering food, can’t you just help yourself?

Redken24 · 26/12/2017 13:21

I think your being a bit over the top. Your mum just probably enjoying having a full house and wanting to feel useful by cooking.
It's always a nice feeling sharing food with your children (well sometimes 😂) Christmas is hard work especially pregnant so don't be too hard on yourself -

Sirzy · 26/12/2017 13:24

Does sound like a rather OTT reaction, I am guessing as part of the bigger picture but still I think in most houses food “rules” tend to go out the window at this time of year don’t they?

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 26/12/2017 13:27

Did you want a sandwich? It could have worked to tell your mum that you wanted it, she would have been annoyed as she doesn't want to feed you and she would have been the unreasonable one,

Original poster

3ambanana · 26/12/2017 13:35

Well I can always eat but I would have felt bad about having had 2 breakfasts and my Mum would have made comments about me not needing any lunch then (god, this sounds pathetic, I'm 34!) So I would have been much happier having an early lunch about 11, as would DH and as would DD and probably as would DB as he'd have been none the wiser. Anyway, I will apologise at some point. I'm seeing what I numpty I am!

OP posts:

PersianCatLady · 26/12/2017 13:41

I read that as your Mum asked if your DD wanted one and was always going to ask your DB as well.

Let it go, it isn't worth the upset.

EmilyChambers79 · 26/12/2017 13:59

You feel bad eating breakfast then again two hours later? Why?

It just reads as though you've stormed out because your angry as you think your Mom has food issues because she wanted to cook a bacon sandwich for your daughter two hours after breakfast.

Was it really that big of a deal?

Original poster

3ambanana · 26/12/2017 14:08

Erm, my Mum has food issues, I do too. As I said. My Mums are more severe than mine (although I understand it probably doesn't sound like this here!) and in all honestly, no one needs a bacon sandwich 2 hours after a big bowl of cocopops. Least of all a 4 year old. Especially one that was being given chocolate all day yesterday.
I understand that I should have let it go in this instance, athough I still don't really understand what the issue was in asking her to wait a bit. No one was going anywhere or asking for anything but clearly I should have just let her get on with it and not upset anyone.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 26/12/2017 14:13

It's Christmas. Chill. YABU.

FatBottomedGal · 26/12/2017 14:18

OP it sounds like an underlying issue. Yes, perhaps reading about this instance on its own makes you sound like you overreacted but I get wound up with my family every Christmas (and especially Boxing Day) because I just can’t stand their behaviour! I always get called “stroppy” (a term I actually despise) but I just can’t help it!! I have a DB who is waited on hand and foot and a DM who can’t sit still for a second and spends the entire holiday rushing around and panicking about every small thing. It’s exhausting, I either end up snapping at one of them or hiding in the spare room!

Apologise because it’s the right thing to do, but also maybe explain why you were upset. Don’t take the full blame. Merry Christmas!

kaytee87 · 26/12/2017 14:20

I don't see the issue with your dd having a bacon sandwich 2 hours after having coco pops (which are all air & sugar and wouldn't fill up a mouse).
I think you were being a bit weird and controlling. I wouldn't like it if someone gave my ds loads of chocolate or sweets without checking but surely a 4yo can decide if they want a bacon sandwich on Boxing Day ffs.
Is there a huge drip feed that a doctor has said your daughter needs to lose weight or something?

PersianCatLady · 26/12/2017 14:20

You are forgetting that usual rules are not enforced on Christmas Day and Boxing Day

user1485778793 · 26/12/2017 14:20

Why on earth does she assume your eating habits are the same as hers?

user1485778793 · 26/12/2017 14:24

Sounds like you are repeating history.

Did you ask dd if she wanted one? She needs to learn when she is/isn't hungry, not when YOU tell her. She'll end up with the more issues if you start telling her when she can and can't eat like that. After 2 hours I'd like a bacon sandwich...... I'd get over It, ywbu

kaytee87 · 26/12/2017 14:25

doesn't eat and applies that to me so I wouldn't have been asked and DH was eating toast at the time so didn't want one.

So make one yourself.

Also lots of children need to eat every 2-3 hours while they're growing (especially with a crappy cereal breakfast).
My 17mo ds eats every 2-3 hours throughout the day and is skinny and tall as anything.

Original poster

3ambanana · 26/12/2017 14:34

DD has no weight issues as she eats a healthy balanced diet with us. She would have weight issues if she spent more time with her grandmother - much like I did. So I guess therein lies the problem. It's more than just a bacon sandwich, I need to speak to my Mum about the constant (and it is constant and it's not limited to christmas) trying to gain DDs affection by plying her with food. It also brings back my issues with my Mum making comments/assumptions about the things I eat. I'm just worried that if I try and do that in my current preggers/emotional state I'll make it worse. I guess I'll wait 'til I'm a little less upset and make a move.

People on here can be so harsh - but I knew that and I needed someone to tell me.

OP posts:

Lucylululu · 26/12/2017 16:39

I could easily eat a bacon sandwich right after a bowl of cocopops, let alone 2 hours later! If it were every day I'd be annoyed, if it's just for a treat I wouldn't. Everyone eats a lot at Christmas!

Sirzy · 26/12/2017 16:40

I do think you need to be careful because if you start making issue over such minor things you will risk passing your food issues to your children

Eatingwormswithwine · 26/12/2017 16:44

You sound hangry! I would not have batted an eyelid at my kids having a bacon sandwich 2 hours after a bowl of (not very nutritious) sugary cereal, especially at Christmas! I think the issue is that you wanted one, knew you wouldn’t get one so hangrily stormed off.

Frouby · 26/12/2017 16:47

My 4 year old had a biscuit, golden syrup weetabix, and toast in 2 hours this morning. Then demolished a ham sandwich, 3 chocolate biscuits and 2 chocolates 2 hours later.

It's Christmas. He wouldn't normally eat that way. He sees my mum generally once a week. He won't get food issues from eating crap once a week. He eats pretty well the rest of the time.

Relax. Have a bowl of coco pops and a bacon buttie if you fancy it. And don't feel bad if it's once a year or on special occasions. And if you do feel bad don't pass that message onto your dd.

KarmaStar · 26/12/2017 17:17

Hi OP,
It reads to me that you have underlying issues with your dm and have perhaps never talked about it and the anger is starting to bubble over.
Being treated so differently from your db is unfair.
Because of this I'd not say you were bu,but is there any way your relationship can be repaired?
Your dad shouting at you and your mum acting that way must make you feel isolated.
Is there anyone in the family or close friend s who could act as a mediator whilst you each spoke about how you feel?
There seems to be so much going on in your family that nobody talks about.
(Apologies if I'm overstepping the mark OP)

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