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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you don't keep giving a Christmas card to someone that never gives one back?

51 replies

littleredelf · 26/12/2017 10:14

So if you send a Christmas card to say 40 people, and (neighbours/colleagues etc,) and 3 don't send them back, would you send one again next year, and then the next year and the next???

Seems pointless to me, as they are not sending one for a reason; they either don't 'do' Christmas cards, or they don't particularly like you. (Maybe there are other reasons, I don't know....) So why keep sending one?

My cousin keeps sending a neighbour of hers one (a woman around 50-ish who lives alone,) and complains CONSTANTLY that she doesn't send one back, saying 'it's very puzzling, I wonder if I have offended her, she seems ok normally!'

Personally, I would send a card, and if I didn't get one back, I would send another the following year. But if they didn't send one to me again, then I would not send one again, unless I got one first (as they are obviously not bothered about them...)

So AIBU to think it's daft to keep sending one when people don't send one back - ever (and then keep complaining that they never sent you one! )

OP posts:

Glumglowworm · 26/12/2017 10:16

She should either keep sending them and stop caring whether she gets one back

Or stop sending them if it bothers her that she doesn’t get one back

Not keep sending them and then moan that she doesn’t get one back

NapQueen · 26/12/2017 10:17

I honestly wonder who these people are that keep track of who replies to their christmas cards. If you want to send cards then just send them. Why tit for tat?

Its like the pre Facebool equivalent of "I like her posts all the time and she never likes any of mine". How exhausting.

Timefortea99 · 26/12/2017 10:24

I have increasingly stopped sending cards. It seems pointless - especially to people you have not clapped eyes on for years. I persevered with sending a card to my cousin and his wife who I saw regularly, but she did not like me (he did) and she was sending cards to all and sundry except for me. So after two years of that I got the message and stopped. If I knew it was not personal, I would just accept that the non-sender didn't do Christmas and carry on sending them and not minding about getting one back in return.

I agree that if you are bothered by not receiving a card

RedSkyAtNight · 26/12/2017 10:29

I don't send cards for a variety of reasons (that others have covered on other threads at length).
The people that send me cards do so because it's something they like doing.

I don't think the reason for sending a Christmas card is because you want one back - that seems beyond petty.

MrsNjie · 26/12/2017 10:30

I think it's daft to sent cards to neighbours anyway. I'm in the camp of not 'doing cards' but I always appreciate the ones I get. Surely the joy is in giving otherwise why do it?

peachgreen · 26/12/2017 10:31

I don't keep track of who sends me a card and I don't send them in the hope of getting one back either, so I probably do send them every year to people who don't send them to me!

ermagerdsnur · 26/12/2017 10:33

I put my cards away with the Xmas decorations, when they come out next year I use them to write my cards going out then recycle them.

So if you didn't send me a card this year - don't expect one next year

sueelleker · 26/12/2017 10:35

Apart from one set of old friends, who never send cards, if I don't receive a card for 3 years (I have an Xmas card book) I stop sending. Mind you, I'm at the age when a lot of friends/relatives are dying off anyway!

Wizzwazzwas · 26/12/2017 10:35

People notice?

There are friends of our parents who we have had no contact with for 20+yrs who still send us a card. I have no idea why. We do not send one back.

I keep up with a wide range of people via Facebook. I see no need to exchange cards with them when we can communicate online instantly.

We do send a limited number of cards to older relatives. This yr I paid the children to write them. The cost of stamps is enormous!

When we receive cards we glance at who sent them and stick them straight in the recycling. House too small and cluttered already for more shit lying around.

Christmasaurus · 26/12/2017 10:36

I like sending cards so I do. It doesn’t bother me not to get one back, that’s up to other people, I know a lot less people choose to send them these days.

Original poster

littleredelf · 26/12/2017 10:39

@napqueen

Its like the Facebook equivalent of "I like her posts all the time and she never likes any of mine". How exhausting.

Yeah this exactly ^ To monitor how often people 'like' your posts on facebook, and who sends you a Christmas card in return to yours, (and then think dark thoughts about those who don't measure up,) does seem like a waste of energy.

Even so, if I sent a card to someone twice, and they never sent one back, I wouldn't send again, not because I am petty, but because I really don't see the point.

I agree with a pp that it seems daft to send them to people you have not seen for years! We have lived in our home for 7 years, and STILL get cards for old occupiers. They can't be that close if they don't have their new address (when they moved 7 years ago!)

And don't get me started on those God-awful round robins.

Re the people who 'don't do' cards, I wonder if they would be offended if everyone in their office (of say 10 people,) got one off a particular colleague, except them? Because IMO, you really shouldn't expect one if you don't give them out.

OP posts:

ILoveMillhousesDad · 26/12/2017 10:42

I honestly wonder who these people are that keep track of who replies to their christmas cards.

this

rcit · 26/12/2017 10:46

I just don’t have time to bother auditing who sent me a card and who didn’t. I send cards if I want to. One year we were all ill and I didn’t send any. Nobody cares. Has your cousin got nothing to actually deal with or do in life?

TroysMammy · 26/12/2017 10:48

I've gradually stopped sending Christmas cards but I always get one from an old school friend and she hasn't taken this attitude.

We are all heading for 50 this year so I'll send her a birthday card instead.

Nikephorus · 26/12/2017 11:52

I honestly wonder who these people are that keep track of who replies to their christmas cards.
I do But it's so I don't forget anyone (I note down who I get cards from rather than who replies to mine) and so that I don't keep sending them if they're effectively not wanted, given that so few people bother these days.

meredintofpandiculation · 26/12/2017 12:17

I honestly wonder who these people are that keep track of who replies to their christmas cards. I do, because if they don't reply it means either 1) they no longer wish to keep the channel of communication open or 2) they died. Why do I send cards to people I haven't seen for years? - because friendships ebb and flow according to circumstances. There may be periods when you're talking constantly, and other periods when you just want to know they're OK.

Birdsgottafly · 26/12/2017 12:31

""Re the people who 'don't do' cards, I wonder if they would be offended if everyone in their office (of say 10 people,) got one off a particular colleague, except them? Because IMO, you really shouldn't expect one if you don't give them out.""

I'm pleased that I don't get any. I feel more offended by my Sister who ignores my feelings about the environmental damage of all the add-ons and not only gets us cards but also goes on about how awful me and my Adult DD's are for not getting each other cards, at any occasion.

She also likes to shop, so turns up all year round with bags of crap.

She used to do the same when I was a struggling LP and £10 towards a coat would have been really appreciated.

I used to send cards to elderly relatives and people who wanted and would keep them for New Home etc.

I think people forget that cards/gifts should be about the recipient, not the giver.

user1andonly · 26/12/2017 12:53

'it's very puzzling, I wonder if I have offended her, she seems ok normally!'

She's fine. She likes you. She's just can't be arsed with sending Christmas cards to her neighbours. Stop sending her one!

Original poster

littleredelf · 27/12/2017 02:23

Why do I send cards to people I haven't seen for years? - because friendships ebb and flow according to circumstances. There may be periods when you're talking constantly, and other periods when you just want to know they're OK.

That doesn't make sense to me. I understand that friendships 'ebb and flow' and you can go a little while without contact, and I have several friends that I don't see (or contact) for 4-5 months sometimes..

But that is not the same as not seeing someone - or having any contact at ALL - for 7-10 years, (or more,) and still sending a Christmas card. I mean WHY? You obviously don't care about that person, and they obviously don't care about you, if you have had no contact for 7-10 years (or more.)

And sending a Christmas card to someone you have had no contact with for almost a decade, isn't 'checking if they are ok,' as you don't even know if they have got it. Sending a card is just a habit. And the fact that someone is still sending a Christmas card to our house for someone who not lived here for almost 8 years ago, proves they have no contact. And we get nothing for them any other time, just a Christmas card. Weird.

So it really is pointless, and a bit weird to be sending a Christmas card to someone you have had no contact with for 7-10 years. (Or more.) You are not friends. Not even acquaintances.

The people who send Christmas cards to people after a decade or more of not seeing that person, are the same type who go to the funeral of someone they haven't seen for a decade or more. They clearly didn't care about them when they were alive, so why pretend they do now?

OP posts:

Cheerbear77 · 23/12/2021 08:45

I sick to death of making the effort with friends or family that don't make an effort of sending cards at Christmas so now I don't bother with them ,they get nothing I keep the money that I would have spent on them for myself ,I feel I'm allways the one making the effort,if people can't be arsed to make the effort then neither can I,

notanothertakeaway · 23/12/2021 09:34

Old thread, but I'll reply anyway

My DH thinks cards are pointless, waste of effort, waste of money. He wouldn't mind at all if no one sent him any Christmas cards

I send cards to people who send to us. Other people, I enjoy their company but assume they don't wish to exchange cards, do I don't bother

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/12/2021 09:37

This is the 11th Christmas in this house and we still receive a very cheery card for the previous owners but one, who were here 16 years ago
It’s become a bit of a tradition now and we give it pride of place.

Shinychestnuts · 23/12/2021 09:44

Yep I go with the three year rule except for the very elderly and people I know in a particular context. Times and acquaintances move on anyway and a Christmas card list reflects that. For example, some members of the Parents Assoc of dd's old school exchanged cards last year, but we have all moved on since.

gannett · 23/12/2021 10:10

We don't send cards and never have. This is true of most of our social circle. Cards just don't seem particularly important to our generation, and Christmas isn't really a big deal to us. I message or email friends when I think of them throughout the year.

We do have a handful of friends who send cards and always message or email back to thank them. They continue to send cards because they presumably enjoy doing that. We continue to message because we like doing that. No one keeps score.

HeyMoana · 23/12/2021 10:17

I don't send cards because I'm incredibly disorganised, have a lot on my plate and it sends me over the edge.
I still get sent cards every year by certain people and every single one I receive is appreciated and cherished. It makes me feel loved despite being utterly useless myself. I'm so glad they don't go in for "tit for tat."

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