Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting by being angry?

39 replies

Fuzzyclouds · 26/12/2017 10:09

Hi all,

I feel like I can't think straight anymore so don't know if my judgement is clouded.

There's a lot of back story so I'll try and keep it brief... My partner lives with me in another country to his family. We've been here a number of years. He has quite severe depression and as a result doesn't interact or communicate with people much.

His father sadly passed away a few years ago after taking his own life. It was a complete shock. Obviously since then my partner's depression has been worse.

His mother is not an affectionate person - she is quite critical of my partner when he's not in touch often, or his life isn't as successful as she would hope - ie. Our house isn't that nice, or his career not as successful as it could be.

She herself has suffered quite severe mental health problems since her husband passed away, but it seems she is recovering well at the moment.

On xmas day we didn't hear from her at all, and my partner didn't get in touch either.
This morning he has a text message from her saying 'are you both dead like your father? How dare you not call on xmas'.

I'm furious - but don't know if I'm overreacting or if she has a right to be so angry as he didn't call or message her?

I just feel like every time he interacts with her he comes away feeling worse because of the things says :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuzzyclouds · 26/12/2017 10:11

Reading it back it sounds like a non-issue so maybe I am overreacting. I just think she's so spiteful and it wasn't necessary.

OP posts:
Sanshin · 26/12/2017 10:11

That's such a shit thing to say, if someone said that to me I wouldn't bother with them again. YANBU

Tedster77 · 26/12/2017 10:12

God Shock. Do you think she’s been drinking? My mum (also bereaved) drinks very heavily to ‘cope’ and can get in a right state.

flumpybear · 26/12/2017 10:14

Sounds like the straw that broke the camels back for you, totally insensitive thing to say to your child about their father

May he you should respond by saying something like considering we clearly have issues, why not try to make things better rather than worse .... or perhaps that's just the person you are and perhaps dads better off somewhere else ShockHmm

Original poster
Fuzzyclouds · 26/12/2017 10:15

Thanks.
No I doubt she was drunk - she's said so many outrageous things over the years, I guess I was just wondering if I'm too sensitive or something.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 26/12/2017 10:15

I’d be angry at that; it’s an awful thing to say in the circumstances

Original poster
Fuzzyclouds · 26/12/2017 10:17

She doesn't acknowledge that my partner has problems at all, he used to say she's one of those people that doesn't understand depression.
I had hoped that after she had been through it, and had extensive treatment for her mental health, that she might be more compassionate.

OP posts:
Whitecurrants · 26/12/2017 10:18

Sounds like somebody lashing out because they are in pain to me. How do you want this resolved? Ingoring her completely is one way or do you want to try to encourage them to rebuild a relationship?

Wanderwall · 26/12/2017 10:24

I think he should have made every effort to call his mother on Christmas Day to be honest.

But likewise, she should also have called him.

Does he want a relationship with her?

Notreallyarsed · 26/12/2017 10:25

Whether she’s in pain or not that’s an incredibly cruel thing to say to a son about his father. Being in pain doesn’t give you the right to hurt other people, especially not your own child!

DonutDiv · 26/12/2017 10:27

Ask her if her telephone accepts incoming call only?

FuckingHateHappy · 26/12/2017 10:28

She has MH issues doesn't she? What's normal to you and me isn't to her ... I'd let it go...

Iloveacurry · 26/12/2017 10:28

He really should of phoned her! But of course what she said wasn’t very nice.

junebirthdaygirl · 26/12/2017 10:29

Could you reply saying..unfortunately dh is very unwell at the moment and unable to cope with that level of cruelty..can we just leave it at that for the moment.

Original poster
Fuzzyclouds · 26/12/2017 10:30

I agree completely that he should have called her. I wish I could snap him out of the black cloud and he felt able to live life a little and interact with people.

I don't think he 'wants' anything at the moment. Our own relationship is in tatters at the moment for the same reasons. His mental health defines his life at the moment. It's so sad.
I'd love for them to build a better relationship, but I can't see it happening unless she can start trying to understand what he's going through, and be a bit more supportive rather than critical.

OP posts:
campion · 26/12/2017 10:34

Agree with Whitecurrants. That's pain and frustration speaking but she can't express herself any better because she probably doesn't have those skills.

It's for you to decide what to do about it. Do you want a better relationship and the work that goes with it? She's evidently feeling abandoned. Not your fault and it's easy to pile all the blame on her and walk away.
She didn't contact you but you didn't contact her on Xmas day. Result?An overreaction.

FuckingHateHappy · 26/12/2017 10:34

But she has MH issues as well, why don't you let her be?

Bluntness100 · 26/12/2017 10:43

I think you probably have to accept they are both ill. Yes it's a shocking thing to say, but no one well, unless very cruel would say it. I think I'd put it down to her also being mentally ill, feeling rejected and lashing out.

Original poster
Fuzzyclouds · 26/12/2017 10:49

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate all your opinions.
Day to day life feels pretty challenging at the moment so you've helped put it into perspective.

OP posts:
RB68 · 26/12/2017 10:50

Correct response is " Oh we thought you were, we better cancel that call to social services"

PerfumeIsAMessage · 26/12/2017 10:54

Is there some sort of rule about who calls who on Christmas Day?

Because in the real world, I'd have thought the married with a family grown up child rings the on her own widowed mother tbf.

PerfumeIsAMessage · 26/12/2017 10:55

But you need to keep out of it. MH issues or not, no good ever will come out of a DIL getting stuck in the middle.

Wilburissomepig · 26/12/2017 10:59

They could both take responsibility for for calling each other, they are both at fault here. But they are also both ill, though it does sound like your DH is in a particularly dark place at the moment.

There is absolutely no excuse for the text she sent, no matter what she feels should have happened.

Wilburissomepig · 26/12/2017 11:02

Because in the real world, I'd have thought the married with a family grown up child rings the on her own widowed mother tbf.

In the real world, mental health issues can often mean life isn't quite as we would like, but the text this woman sent to her son is beyond cruel.

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2017 11:04

Are either of them getting help with their depression?

Swipe left for the next trending thread