Am I overreacting by being angry?

[Fuzzyclouds]

Hi all,

I feel like I can't think straight anymore so don't know if my judgement is clouded.

There's a lot of back story so I'll try and keep it brief... My partner lives with me in another country to his family. We've been here a number of years. He has quite severe depression and as a result doesn't interact or communicate with people much.

His father sadly passed away a few years ago after taking his own life. It was a complete shock. Obviously since then my partner's depression has been worse.

His mother is not an affectionate person - she is quite critical of my partner when he's not in touch often, or his life isn't as successful as she would hope - ie. Our house isn't that nice, or his career not as successful as it could be.

She herself has suffered quite severe mental health problems since her husband passed away, but it seems she is recovering well at the moment.

On xmas day we didn't hear from her at all, and my partner didn't get in touch either.
This morning he has a text message from her saying 'are you both dead like your father? How dare you not call on xmas'.

I'm furious - but don't know if I'm overreacting or if she has a right to be so angry as he didn't call or message her?

I just feel like every time he interacts with her he comes away feeling worse because of the things says :(

No rule about who should call - completely aware that my partner should have called his mother and I did ask him to.
My point in mentioning that she didn't call either was that I was upset that she waited til the next day to send a cruel message, rather than just send a message on Xmas day.

I'm not trying to get involved and I'm not going to say anything to her about how I feel about her message. But it's made my partner feel worse and if he's going to contact her at all it will only be because I push him to do it.

She also involves me in it all - a year ago she called me every single day for a year because she was lonely and wanted to talk to me (as opposed to wanting to talk to her son).

This post was just because I thought it was a cruel thing to say to a son. And wasn't sure if my emotions are haywire at the moment and if it was a fair enough thing for her to say. Just needed to get my head straight.

Both don't think they need help - she has had more than him, because it's insanely difficult to get proper mental health treatment through the NHS. We've spent years navigating the system with ultimately no real success. It's infuriating.

'No, not dead. What about you?'

Not trying to minimise the issues around all this but this particular I'm incident could probably do with having the drama taken out of it.

delete the text. It is really vile.
She is bitter.

I'd text back.

I was worried about you too as you didn't call us. Glad we're all alive and well - how was Christmas?

I absolutely can't abide these people who text "why didn't you call me" when clearly they have a phone and didn't either!

Can you bring yourself to reply kindly? And to remind her of all the help/treatment she’s had for her depression which perhaps your dh has not had (?). To then tell her that she surely understands how hard it is for dh atm, and that you are also working hard to help him. Maybe it will jog her into considering the state her son is in and bring her to being more supportive and understanding,

Perhaps her inability to support her son is because she doesn't want to admit he's struggling. Maybe she's genuinely terrified he will commit suicide just like his father. That might explain both that text and her general unsympatheticness.

Are there any positives in continuing the relationship? Is contact with his mother ever good for your partner? Or does shejust break him over and over again?

It’s nowhere near as extreme, but my MIL for a long time would tell her children off when they called if she felt they should have called sooner. For a long time it would really put DH off calling her. Who wants a relationship with their mother that’s simply duty and never pleasure? Now if she tries it, she is firmly reminded that phones work both ways.

Was MIL always toxic, or is it down to current MH issues? That does make a difference. But if she’s always been toxic, then might NC be the way forward?

She herself has suffered quite severe mental health problems since her husband passed away, but it seems she is recovering well at the momen.

On xmas day we didn't hear from her at all, and my partner didn't get in touch either. This morning he has a text message from her saying 'are you both dead like your father? How dare you not call on xmas'

She is hurting. She has had severe mental health problems. She actually needed hire son to call her.

Tbh it's a waste of time trying to explain, people who can't work these things out and would rather have a fall out are never willing to accept they could have done things differently.

It was a horrid thing to say, but it sounds like she wanted to hurt him as he’d hurt her by not calling. It is weird not to call your mum on Xmas day tbh.

Is she on her own ? She dr don't sound nice but why not call her at xmas ? It must be very miserable being on your own xmas day .

Thanks for all the replies.

She wasn't on her own - she has another son and they are staying with her parents over xmas.
Again, I do agree that he should have called, but he is mentally very unwell at the moment.

I think the bottom line is that they're both unwell and unable at the moment to support each other in the ways they both need. It's a sad and impossible situation :(

I'm still angry about the message but think a lot of you are right that she was hurt and lashing out.

Does she have broken fingers she can’t phone her son to misquote a film? I think they sound as bad as each other

I don't think this is something you can fix.

They need to sort it out between themselves.