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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask parents of ASD children if this is typical Christmas behaviour?

35 replies

ThankGoodnessItsOver · 26/12/2017 09:10

I'm so confused and a bit hurt right now and I can't work out if I'm being over sensitive .

DS is 8 and on the pathway for ASD assessment (more like Aspergers).

Christmas Day was nice and relaxed and in the evening we visited my parents . All lovely .

But on the way home , seemingly out of the blue , because I'd mentioned it would soon be bedtime , DS became intolerable.

It carried on until just before bed when he screamed full on right in my face that I annoy him so much . I'd only asked him to go up to bed Xmas Sad

I stayed calm and tried to offer him a cuddle but he carried on with how I annoy him more than I ever make him happy Xmas Sad

DS thinks his whole life is unfair - simple requests are met with avoidance or frustration etc . I know this is part of his ASD.

I feel so hurt though . I worked so hard to give him and his brothers a lovely Christmas and I feel like he hates me .

I always get the brunt of it in comparison to his dad.

I'm still learning about his ASD. Does it just sound like things were too much yesterday ?

Or does he really sound like he hates me? Xmas Sad

OP posts:
cakeymccakington · 26/12/2017 09:11

Oh yes that sounds par for the course.

I'd say the big change in routine and all the excitement has got him overwhelmed and he's taking it out on the safe person. The one he knows will love him anyway. You

Fairylea · 26/12/2017 09:13

He doesn’t hate you. It’s probably just sensory overload because Christmas is a lot to cope with for anyone with asd. My son aged 5 has asd and attends special school and although he enjoys presents etc he gets very stressed with how full on everything is at Christmas and the noise / crowds etc. We just stay home the 4 of us and usually during the day at various points he takes himself off to watch you tube videos on his tablet, making it clear he’s had enough and wants to be left alone. You slowly get to read the signals that enough is enough.

Namechangetempissue · 26/12/2017 09:16

Yes it is. DS had enough half way through the day yesterday and needed some time with his headphones on alone. It is just too much sensory overload. He was also cross at bedtime and it is best just to give him the space he wants -he comes to me when he is ready.

Tedster77 · 26/12/2017 09:16

Mine’s 13 and he was ok til the afternoon when it all became too much, he declared everything was wrong and sealed himself in an upstairs bedroom. He was very sad by bed time.

gamerchick · 26/12/2017 09:18

Sounds about right. But look at it another way, you got the whole day it was just the end bit. Some bairns don’t make it through lunch.

We stayed home all day and he tended to take himself off to the playroom at various points to decompress. Definitely preferred it this year to going visiting.

ZanyMobster · 26/12/2017 09:19

Sounds just like my DS when he was 8 and before he was diagnosed. We are getting better with knowing what to say and what not to say now but it has taken time, we also keep bedtime routine the same regardless of whether it is 8pm or midnight which we find helps. It has taken us a while to get to the point where we recognise what will set him off and how to broach certain things with him. My DS is considered fairly mild but he still struggled yesterday at various times, he took himself off to do a puzzle to chill out when it was all too much. Bedtime was a bit tricky too.

DS always used to say that it was my fault he got angry as I was so mean and that he hated me, now we understand him more he rarely says that and is able to keep calmer and even apologise after outbursts.

Original poster
ThankGoodnessItsOver · 26/12/2017 09:21

Very reassuring replies , thank you all.

I guess the hardest thing is when I ask if he's had a nice Christmas he says no - because he focuses on the fact that there was one bad element of the day and it ruins his day .

It's so thankless isn't it Xmas Sad

OP posts:
motheroftwojedi · 26/12/2017 09:23

Sounds very typical. Whenever there is a big event or celebration or change to the normal routine we have the same, especially if DS has managed to ‘hold it together’ during the actual event. We had a mega meltdown last night at bedtime and repeatedly told he hated all his Christmas presents and he wished we were all dead or out of his life etc. We’d had a quiet day at home just the four of us but we’d had a big family thing the day before and he’d still had all the presents/excitement and other out of the ordinary/sensory things to deal with (noise of wrapping paper, Christmas crackers etc)

It’s not personal although I totally get that it hurts when you’ve tried so hard to make a day special. He definitely doesn’t hate you. He feels safest with you.

Are there any local groups for parents with kids who have ASD you could contact? It’s a lonely business raising kids with ASD and we have benefitted hugely from meeting other parents who understand what it’s like.

Original poster
ThankGoodnessItsOver · 26/12/2017 09:26

Does anyone find that their family / friends don't believe the diagnosis or that the issues exist?

When I cried to my mum last night Xmas Blush she said she can't understand as he was an angel at hers just an hour before .

My mum doesn't think there's anything "wrong" with him.

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 26/12/2017 09:31

You need to let go of your ego if you have a child with ASD. My eldest is severely autistic and it took him until he was about ten to learn to open a present. Even then he would take days over it and would often just drop what he had been given and walk off.

He likes Christmas lights and Christmas food and doesn't really buy into the rest of it. He finds the emotions around Christmas very difficult to handle -I remember one year when he was 5 he just screamed the whole day - literally - I was heavily pregnant and ended up with blood pressure shooting up so having to go into hospital where I was given a nice cup of tea and sent home at midnight - where he was still screaming. It was tricky balancing his needs with those of his younger brothers. Still is. If he’d been an only child we would have made Xmas very low key - but couldn’t with the other two.

But I suppose just accept your son is doing the best he can. Maybe try an use whatever structure works for him within the day. But if you’re balancing siblings as well then you may not be able to get it right. It is what it is.

FeistyColl · 26/12/2017 09:32

It is indeed hard. But try not to measure the day by end point.
Review your day and ask yourself how was ds at time he opened his stocking, or presents. How was he at lunch? And at your parents? It sounds like those times were happy and successful. That's lots of positives and reasons to feel pleased that you handled things well and ds was happy.

But for a child with asd even those happy experiences will have taken their toll on his sensory system and all the effort to deal with socialising and changes to routine. Like shaking the coke bottle, the pressure builds up and bursts out in the end.

Sounds like you did a great job yesterday!

Angrybird123 · 26/12/2017 09:35

Sounds exactly like my DS also 8. Undiagnosed but v much with ASD 'traits'. He did brilliantly yesterday, best one ever until about 30 mins before bed when he was sobbing and saying he hated it all and been awful. It's v v hard not to take it personally but this morning he was full off cuddles and 'i love you' and best Xmas ever. It has taken our families time to get their heads around it too, especially without an official diagnosis (he didn't tick enough boxes in the day basically) but my parents generally defer to my judgement, ask me how to handle situations and if I'm not going to be there I try and give them strategies should certain situations arise. i have found it helps to be as open as possible so swimming teachers etc all get told something about how he needs to be dealt with otherwise it's setting them and him up to fail.

Nikephorus · 26/12/2017 09:36

Well I'm in my 40s with Asperger's, I'd only had about 4.5 hours of my folks over but I was absolutely knackered. Still am. Luckily I was left to my own devices then but if not I'm sure I'd have managed a minor tantrum of sorts at some point just from it all being a bit OTT. And I was doing mood swings too. So I can easily see a 8 y.o. with ASD who's had a big Christmas having a meltdown. There's only so long that you can bottle it all up and then it explodes out, that's how he was so good at your mum's. Away from that in the car and it was like someone has eased a cork out of a bottle - nothing and then boom, the cork's out and overflowing starts. You're doing just fine.

MrGrumpy01 · 26/12/2017 09:41

Yes totally typical. They hold it together and then as soon as they are in a safe space they let it all go.

We are having the fall out from yesterday today.

FeistyColl · 26/12/2017 09:42

If you are on facebook have a look at the Autism Discussion Page. Bill Nasen has a really good way of explaining things.
I have copied stuff and sent to family members.

Does your area offer the NAS earlybird parents course or anything similar? They can be very helpful in making contact with other families or support networks as well as offering useful advice. They include a family session for wider family members who may not be as aware or understanding as you might like .

Nousernameforme · 26/12/2017 09:48

Oh god yes completely normal and he did quite well.

We had many mini meltdowns yesterday and I couldn't ask him to do anything that took his attention away from his screen. Which sounds like he is spoilt but he uses that as a distraction when his anxiety is high. Today is going the same way it seems

Thedietstartsnow · 26/12/2017 10:10

Hi..this is us too..my adult dc with autism was awful at Xmas / birthdays.was just overwhelming for him...youngest more high functioning,not as difficult,but gets obsessive massively,and can't cope with a change from one thing to another,bedtime.oh lord ...

Thedietstartsnow · 26/12/2017 10:12

He's on a farm stimulation game,half of yesterday ,probably most of today...he's driving tractors,feeding sheep,soooo happy...untill I try to get him to ,get dressed,eat,go out ,he's 8 so can't be left alone in the house

MsGameandWatching · 26/12/2017 10:15

Two with ASD here. Oldest has coped well. Youngest was white faced and anxious and tearful to the max by midday yesterday, she hasn't slept the full night in her own bed all week. Over the past few weeks she has seemed happy and excited about Christmas and all the disruption at school, only to turn and verbally and physically attack me once she gets home and in her safe space. I think what you describe is him holding it all together, without properly processing it only to let it all out later. Standard here.

MsGameandWatching · 26/12/2017 10:18

Does anyone find that their family / friends don't believe the diagnosis or that the issues exist?

My parents have been unforgivable twats over it culminating in a vicious letter a few weeks ago about how I always "play the autism card" after a decade of explanations and often begging for understanding they can fuck off, that was the final straw and I will never let them into our lives again.

MrsBobDylan · 26/12/2017 10:20

Don't take it personally, your ds loves you, he is just obsessing about details which have overwhelmed him. He can't help it but needs help to move on.

I try with my ds to acknowledge and say sorry for whatever he feels went wrong, then try to loop his train of thought into a different obsession.

Unfortunately your mum's reaction is also fairly standard (and unhelpful). Sorry it spoiled the end of a lovely day.Flowers

NovemberWitch · 26/12/2017 10:27

Cakey is right, you are his safe person. His refuge and the one he knows will always love him, however unlikeable he may be at times. Mine have gained more control as they got older, they recognise triggers and when they need time out. Even as adults, they get overwhelmed and are occasionally a rude pita. But when back on an even keel, they recognise what they did, and perhaps what they could have done.

TheSconeOfStone · 26/12/2017 10:51

Totally normal. My DD is 10, diagnosed at 8. She is Aspergers end of the spectrum. ‘Luckily’ she got it out of her system on Christmas Eve (horrendous IBS type symptoms due to anxiety). Screwed up our plans for the day as she couldn’t leave the house. She did amazingly with the family during the day yesterday but was in tears of exhaustion at bedtime. She said ‘I love Christmas but it’s soooooooo tiring’. The whole of December has been a trial to be endured.

Roomba · 26/12/2017 10:56

Everything you've said here sounds absolutely normal for autism/asd. I'm no expert but have seen my best friend's two children with asd behave exactly like this on big occasions, birthdays, Christmas etc. Everything is so overwhelming on a sensory level that there's only so long they can hold it all in for.

And YY to family not believing you. That's so common. My own parents are only just finally accepting that my son has ADD & dyspraxia - and isn't just bring naughty /careless/rude. It's taken years!

CloudPerson · 26/12/2017 11:04

Yes it sounds normal.
For the avoidance you could have a look at PDA strategies, reducing demands and wording things in a different way so it feels like he is a little more in control of the situation.
My sons have ASD/PDA, so we've had to learn to allow them as much control as they can, or life is unbearable.
It's also normal for family and close friends to not really believe it, the behaviour seen is often the same as normal naughty child behaviour, so it's often assumed that crap parenting is the problem instead of ASD. I'm not really sure what the answer is there. I'm very lucky that my mother is now on board, but there are still elements that she doesn't get.