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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut DM out of our lives

28 replies

ARudeAwakening · 26/12/2017 08:14

Had to name change as this is going to be pretty outing...

So things between DM and I have been pretty much NC because she is a manipulative controlling mind fuck but I thought I'd give her a chance at Christmas...

She emailed me 2.5 weeks before Christmas asking if I wanted to have dinner with my mum, stepdad, Dad and brother them at my mums house on Christmas Eve (my Mum is remarried to my stepdad and they are friends with my dad)

I admit I took a week to reply, mainly because I wasn't sure how much I wanted to say about what had happened between us or how to word a reply so I agonised for days and eventually decided to offer an olive branch for the sake of DS having a relationship with his grandmother (where previously I had been happy to continue NC) and replied that we'd like to have dinner but let's go somewhere neutral, not each other's houses to make things easier...

Got a reply the next day saying since I took so long replying they had now agreed to go to a friends party instead.

So basically the offer of dinner was rescinded and they decided seeing friends over their daughter and grandson was more important at Christmas.

Wibu to just fuck her off and go 100% NC now?

OP posts:
Thebookswereherfriends · 26/12/2017 08:17

I can kind of see her point. She offered something after you've been nc, when she didn't hear from you within a few days she assumed you were maintaining nc.

MumGoneMild · 26/12/2017 08:19

A week is along time, she assumed you were just not replying.

Original poster
ARudeAwakening · 26/12/2017 08:19

I do see that side of the point but was ibu to think she'd jump at the chance to fix things and change plans?
I would have though the friend would have understood.

OP posts:
Afreshturkeyplease · 26/12/2017 08:21

As someone with a mother like yours i do understand why it took so long to reply. However you need to accept they cant just wait around on hearing back.

DoculamentDoculament · 26/12/2017 08:21

You took a week to reply. I'd have thought you weren't going to if I were her.Was she supposed to not make any other plans just in case?

Poshindevon · 26/12/2017 08:22

You did take a long time to reply.
This was not just about dinner with your DM but other people such as your Dad etc
So by delaying your reply you affected other peoples Christmas Eve.
It could look from their point of you that you were the one who could not be botherd to reply so they changed their plans.
Sorry if thats not what you want to hear.

MumGoneMild · 26/12/2017 08:23

Would you of changed a commitment at short notice foe her?

Original poster
ARudeAwakening · 26/12/2017 08:27

She did say that she was having my dad and brother over for dinner anyway so it wasn't changing plans to invite us as well, she changed her plans after she had invited us and not had a reply for a few days.

No I wouldn't change my plans for her tbh but she is the one who caused the upset and has in the past behaved disgustingly so I did think she might want to grab the chance.

Maybe I iabu. I can't see straight atm where she is concerned, I'm still very angry with her.

OP posts:
Afreshturkeyplease · 26/12/2017 08:30

Tbh i wouldnt go out blazing no contact

Just leave her to her life and you get on with yours. Dont concern yourself with what she says or does

LoniceraJaponica · 26/12/2017 08:36

If I had invited someone round, not had a reply, then in the meantime had an invitation to go somewhere else I would have accepted the invitation because I would have assumed that my invitation had been rejected.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2017 09:00

You are contradicting yourself. On the one hand you say you thought the suggestion of something neutral would be a good idea. On the other has you say she wouldn’t have had to change anything even if you didn’t go as your brother etc was already attending - at her house I assume.

I also think organising to go out to a restaurant for lunch was a fantasy. You needed everyone to agree. Who would have paid? How did you propose finding a restaurant with availability within 1.5 weeks of Christmas Day?

I’m not disputing that your mother was and perhaps still is horrible to you. However, you did leave rather a long time to reply. As you were/are almost nc (low contact possibly), I think the assumption you were ignoring her mail would be a fair one. Knowing the type of person she is, wouldn’t it have been unlikely for her to follow up her mail with a chase? It probably took a great deal of pride swallowing to invite you in the first place.

Basically if you want to go nc, do so. Perhaps it would be best not to use this situation as the catalyst.

Lucylululu · 26/12/2017 09:01

You are being pretty unreasonable to cut her out based on that alone. Its really rude to not reply for a week, and she probably thought you weren't going to reply at all and so made other plans. You took too long to reply, you missed the chance. Simple. I don't know what she's done in the past bit she was clearly trying to make an effort?

LizzieSiddal · 26/12/2017 09:07

I understand you OP. I was NC with my own Mum.

In your mind, you have agreed to meet her, despite her awful behaviour, you were really putting yourself out. So you’re upset that she hasn’t jumped at the chance to see you.
I think most mother's would jump at the chance to see their own dd and grandchild and would drop everything. But she isn’t going to.Sad and it isn’t the first time she’s let you down.

If you feel like you need to go NC, then do it.Flowers

lalalalyra · 26/12/2017 09:13

Not replying for a week means she thought you were maintaining NC. She also offered you an olive branch of Christmas dinner at hers and you wanted her and everyone to change plans.

If she's vile then go NC, but she's not done anything wrong with the invitation, or by assuming you'd chosen not to reply.

Original poster
ARudeAwakening · 26/12/2017 09:13

Thank-you very much everyone for your replies, it has given me some needed perspective.

(Trust me the things she's done in the past would be too long a post for anyone to even read it all! There's been some pretty vile things so it took a long time for me to reconcile myself to seeing her. Just for an example of the things she's said to give you an idea - she told me a couple of days before my wedding that she wasn't doing a speech because she had nothing good to say about me!)

Not sure how we're going to proceed from here but I think I might give her one more chance before just forgetting it permanently, at least that way I can say with surety that I tried.

OP posts:
TabbyMumz · 26/12/2017 09:44

So did she cancel everyone else who was supposed to be at the dinner?

Fishface77 · 26/12/2017 09:49

Yabu.
You took too long to reply.
Maybe it's a sign that you need to stay NC.
But you know your DM. Maybe it was a test.

SaucyJack · 26/12/2017 09:56

Based on the above, you were the entirely unreasonable one.

It sounds as though you just don't like her from your OP, and are looking for reasons to cut her off.

That's fine by me, personally. My mother isn't a nice, likeable person either. We're both much happier when we don't bother with each other.

Original poster
ARudeAwakening · 26/12/2017 10:04

TabbyMumz no, she took her husband, my dad and brother with her to her friends party - they were only other guests invited to the dinner besides me, my DH and DS.

OP posts:
TabbyMumz · 26/12/2017 10:11

Ah, ok. So they waited for you to respond, and then when they didn't hear from you, took another invitation. I really don't blame them. There were several people invited and when you finally responded, you suggested they all go somewhere else, which is a bit more neutral to you. I think you were being a tad selfish to be honest. You knew there were other people invited, she had put out an olive branch to you. You wouldn't have been alone, your DH would have been there, and others, so not just you and your mum. I think it was a bit cheeky if you to suggest somewhere else, when at that point, others had been invited and seemingly accepted. Do you would have been messing them all about, just for your own reasons. You could have said, "sorry, we can't make Xmas day, but would love to see you on X date or another time at X place perhaps".

Engorged · 26/12/2017 10:52

She founds like an unpleasant person but Yabu to expect her to wait on you. A friend of mine purposefully waits to accept invitations too. It was deserved when she was dropped and other plans made the last time she decided to wait.

If she's that unpleasant, why do you want to give her another chance? How many have you given her now?

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 26/12/2017 10:52

From this situation yabu. Far too long to reply to an invite and then to expect them to change their plans.

Do you get on with your dad? Strange foe him to be friends with your mum, his ex, if she is so vile to you.

Reallytired17 · 26/12/2017 10:55

Well, as per everyone else really: I think it’s unfair to go non contact with her based on this alone. There may be other reasons but this, no.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/12/2017 11:25

Got to say I agree that you took too long to reply. She probably thought, given your previous lack of contact, that you weren't going to reply at all, so I can't blame her for taking the invitation to a party.

Should you go NC because of this? No. Should you remain LC because of everything else between you? Yes, probably.

DottyS · 26/12/2017 11:32

Just going by this incident and not knowing the whole back story a week was too long to reply. (tbh I personally think it is rude to wait this long to answer an invitation) I am not surprised she thought you had declined and made other arrangements.

If you decide to go 100% NC just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

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