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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my mother to jog on....

70 replies

Happyhappyveggie · 25/12/2017 23:46

My mother and her husband are coming to visit tomorrow. We are a vegetarian household which she hates (even though I have been veggie for 25 years) and I was planning a buffet tomorrow to feed them. This is how the phonecall with her went earlier:
Mother ‘Well, what are you planning to feed us tomorrow’ in aggressive tone. We would like some salmon.
It’s my house and quite frankly if they can’t have one vegetarian meal without making a fuss, then I do feel like telling them to jog on.
I actually think its rude to tell your host what they should cook for you. It’s typical of her lack of respect of our choices and she has always found my being veggie a personal insult for some reason.

Aibu to tell her to jog on if they don’t like our food for one day?

She has always refused to cook me veggie food in her house and as a result I don’t go there very often and have to take my own food when I do.

OP posts:

Mxyzptlk · 26/12/2017 00:18

Vegetarians have strong reasons for not eating meat and many would not be able to force it down at all.
Meat eaters have no such strong reasons against eating a non-meat meal once in a while and can manage to do so perfectly well.

Splinterz · 26/12/2017 00:21

I am agreeing with the OP :

I actually think its rude to tell your host what they should cook for you

I merely asked whether she applied the same rule to herself.

PurplePumpkinHead · 26/12/2017 00:26

If you have never brought meat into your home, I suspect you are also uncomfortable with offering for her to bring her own salmon - and I wouldn't blame you for that.

Tell her to jog on - YANBU

AnnieAnoniMouse · 26/12/2017 00:29

splinterz. No, you’re just being a GF.

HHV. It won’t kill her not to have meat/fish for one meal. You’ve put up with this nonsense long enough. Just tell her that she can eat what you are making or she can eat before/after she visits. Just make your stance the same everytime. Your home is meat/fish free, that’s not negotiable, she can choose to accept your invitations or not.

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2017 00:41

Splinterz

Vegetarianism is not a dietary requirement - it is food choice." Choice s sometimes a requirement, like people who are religious and don't eat beef or port or shellfish or meat.

"I've never met anyone who cant eat meat either" They can't eat it because they have chosen not to.

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2017 00:42

I've never met anyone who has chosen not to eat any non-meat or fish food.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/12/2017 00:44

Vegetarianism is not a dietary requirement - it is food choice. I've never met anyone who cant eat meat either

I can't eat meat I can't digest it.

Spent all my childhood as a meat eater and ended up seriously ill 5.5 stone and not eating as everything I did eat I threw up and spent hours after writhing in pain.

Left home and realised the connection between meat and pain.

Going vegetarian meant my life could start

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2017 00:44

Telling people you do not eat meat is not telling them what to cook. It is telling them what you cannot eat.

RaspberryOverload · 26/12/2017 00:54

OP, YANBU.

I have absolutely no problem with eating vegetarian food if invited for dinner, and neither do my DCs. In fact I'm cutting down on some of the meat in our diet.

I can't understand some people who insist on meat at every meal.

I suspect the real issue here is that your DM can't accept your choice to become vegetarian, because in her mind it directly implies criticism of her own choice to eat meat. Some people don't seem to be able to cope when their DCs make choices different to theirs.

ginswinger · 26/12/2017 01:01

I've been vegetarian for 30 years and my mum used to be a bit like this.

Eventually I pointed out that never having learnt how to cook meat and not being able to judge when it was cooked properly , she would probably be in some danger.

She did come round slowly and enjoyed an entirely meat free Christmas dinner without so much as a whimper. Whether she went o KFC on the way home is anyone's guess ;-)

Weezol · 26/12/2017 01:36

Good call Gin, that's genius.
I have had surgeries because of Crohn's so my diet is quite limited. No raw fruit, nuts, pulses, fibre or vegetables except potatoes, yams and that kind of things. When I go to my vegan friends I just take something with me to have with whatever pasta or rice she's having. She does the same when coming to me. It's not difficult!

Consequently I think OP's mother is just being a bitch. I would walk over broken glass to eat a raw apple. I would make no effort to accommodate her and would indeed suggest she jog on. And then a bit further.

Skowvegas · 26/12/2017 01:58

I'd provide a piece of salmon alongside whatever veggie meal you're making.

Then next time you visit her you can point out that you cooked to her requirements and that in return it would be kind of her to cook to your requirement. You'll have the moral high ground and it will be much harder for her to refuse.

NoCanoe · 26/12/2017 03:25

Ah. We meet again @splinterz
Funny that.

Anyhow, veggie household then veggie dinner. The visitors know what they signing up to.

Graphista · 26/12/2017 04:01

Strongly recommend folk ignore splinterz, I'm sure mnhq will deal with them appropriately soon.

Lindibop · 26/12/2017 04:06

splinterz. No, you’re just being a GF.

He/She has been on a roll today.

Graphista · 26/12/2017 04:07

Op your mother DOES have a choice - come and be a gracious well mannered guest and enjoy what's on offer or stay at home. Also veggie 30 years, my mum doesn't understand it and still worries I can't possibly be getting enough to eat (I'm overweight so not sure how that works ) but respects that its my choice. She's also been pleasantly surprised by the few veggie dishes I've served her over the years. I don't actually mind making/serving meat as dd not veggie but I have to keep pans etc separate as I too have found not eating meat has greatly helped stomach issues and if I accidentally ingest meat whatever I'm in agony and have diarrhoea the next day. So yes some of us CAN'T eat meat.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2017 04:57

I think you would be perfectly justified in doing so. That said... She’s acting like a child and it would be good to be the grown up in the situation and not refuse out of spite. If you don’t want meat/fish in your house you’d be justified in refusing or if you are ok, then cook it.

Perhaps smoked salmon would be a compromise as part of a starter if you choose to provide the fish. It would also set a precedent that it is not acceptable to scorn your guest and give you a chance to explain that you have made a decision to be accommodating and would love for her to do the same for you. If she laughs in your face, you can then tell her how sad her reaction is.

Charolais · 26/12/2017 06:00

splinterz "Vegetarianism is not a dietary requirement - it is food choice. I've never met anyone who cant eat meat either”

splinters, you don’t eat kittens for the same reason I don’t eat any meat. Using your logic I could say, 'I’ve never met anyone who can’t eat kittens, it’s just their food choice not to’.

But I have this horrible feeling you would eat kittens.

Blackteadrinker77 · 26/12/2017 06:12

I think you have a bigger issue in that your Mum is so disrespectful to you.
I can't imagine telling my dds what to feed me when I'm there. Other than asking if I should bring desserts etc.

Vegetarian house hold should never have to serve meat or fish to guests.
Just pop out some quiches, cheese rolls etc and they can snack on crisps nuts etc. It won't kill them.

ILoveTheEU · 26/12/2017 06:53

Why did you invite her knowing she wouldn't like the food you cook?

PenelopeFlintstone · 26/12/2017 07:11

I know it's not exactly the point of the thread, but would you mind telling us what you're going to cook? I'd like to know before I comment on whether I believe YABU

OrinocoDugong · 26/12/2017 07:26

Try saying "it's an invitation not a summons" - she's been invited to yours. Your home is meat-free. If eating meat is more important to her than spending time with family then she is entirely at liberty to stay at home.

She doesn't have a leg to stand on having never bothered to take your vegetarianism into account when you visit her she can hardly expect you to abandon your ethics for her convenience when she comes to you.

Original poster

Happyhappyveggie · 26/12/2017 07:54

@penelopeflintstone- well, as its Xmas I quite like to do a buffet! So quiche, some Brie and cranberry tarts, cheese board, salad, nice bread, houmous, coleslaw etc Nothing particularly unusual or offensive. We actually eat more vegan food most of the time at home but not at Xmas so much and I am planning to do vegan January but that would be the worst thing ever to my mother!!

OP posts:

PenelopeFlintstone · 26/12/2017 08:37

Well, I'm not at all veggie but I live quiche and brie and salad and houmous and coleslaw. If the table was still looking Christmassy, I this k it would still feel like Christmas and I'd be quite happy. So, no, you are not being unreasonable Have you told your mother what you'll be having. Would it help?

ohfortuna · 26/12/2017 08:52

I would wind her up I would have a lot of fun winding up and I would never ever ever give in and serve flesh in my house
I might just give her lettuce for dinner just lettuce nothing else
Lettuce for pudding too🤣😂😆😅😉

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