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Original poster

Rant rant and mum died

32 replies

Blankuser1992 · 25/12/2017 10:42

This is a rant and ... more so a bit more

This Christmas my mum died and I’ve been a little depressed but have powered through.

Arranged the funeral, paid for most of the cost, travelled over 100 miles and now am at In laws for Christmas.

So I’m having to put on a smile, be in a house that isn’t mine, live out of a suitcase pretty much days after I buried my mum.

This year I bought a lot of my in laws gifts to help my partner who is in any other scenario a wonderful guy.

So bought all the gifts, planned the funeral, made a lot of food for wake, travelled over 100 miles, wrapped all gifts brought them all with me and today ( Christmas Day) a collection randomly dropped from a person I love.

Now this person is a huge celeb to me and I’d rather like to buy her stuff which is about £55 in total.

So I say to my partner oh I’d rather like to buy this out of my account.

And his response is “I think we could use it on other important stuff”

And my first thought was ... well I could have spent all the money I spent on gifts “on more important stuff”

I got him everything he wanted, I travelled down to be with his family even though I feel so fucking depressed.

I quickly explained why I’d like it and he just looked at me with dead eyes.

I just left it, now it’s sold out and I just feel sad.

It got me excited you know? The collection was something that made me get giddy and think oh god I really want this.

And now I just feel like a deflated balloon.

So .. just waiting to go out formal clothes on, go downstairs to a bunch of people who I don’t really know, to keep a happy face on and to cook food.

Rant over

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 25/12/2017 10:48
  1. Your partner is an inconsiderate prick.
  2. Your money too.
  3. I feel you should have stayed home without feeling forced to socialise with DPs family.
  4. Fuck cooking. Let them do it. You're a guest!
  5. Let DP buy his own gifts in future.

Really, really sorry about your mum.

Rabel17 · 25/12/2017 10:51

No help, but wanted to send you Christmas wishes and hope that things get better.

Clarabumps · 25/12/2017 10:52

You're a wee soul. I'm so sorry your Mum died. This must be a really hard year for you.
Fuck him- buy yourself what you want. You deserve it.
He sounds totally thoughtless. I understand why you feel totally unappreciated. I would too. I hope you can get through today and I'd have a good talk with him when this is over.
Xxx big hugs. Xxx

Sorry I'm pretty crap at advice. Someone better will be along in a minute.

OverwhelminglyCrap · 25/12/2017 10:54

My mum died in August. It's unutterably shit and it has taught me life is too short.

Buy the collection, enjoy the collection, and tell DH to fuck off if he complains. You deserve it.

Blackteadrinker77 · 25/12/2017 10:57

What would your dear Mum be telling you to do right now?

I like to get a pen, piece of paper and write down stupid things I loved about certain events when I am missing people.
Because it's Christmas today, write down your stupid, happy memories of your Mum. Have a tear and then start your day. Sending you a hug xx

justilou1 · 25/12/2017 11:04

I am so sorry your mum died. Mine died on the 22nd last year. It's so hard to deal with Christmas on top of all of that.

Nobody deserves to be looked upon with dead eyes.
You need kindness and compassion right now.
He needs a talking to at the very least.

morningconstitutional2017 · 25/12/2017 11:18

I'm sorry you're going through this. If DP looks at you with dead eyes again, just say to him, "Happy face" like you mean it. As you're a guest in a strange house why is it up to you to cook? Say that you'd appreciate some help.

ButchyRestingFace · 25/12/2017 11:32

to cook food

Fuck that. I think you’re very stoic to be taking part in all the Christmas hoopla and gift giving to begin with. Flowers

My mum died very suddenly earlier this year and I’ve flown off abroad to lie on the beach. Couldn’t face xmas at all this year.

You are the guest and should be fetched and carried, in light of what’s just happened.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 25/12/2017 11:33

So sorry about your Mum. I lost mine in January. I don't think you should have been expected to travel to DPs family. You should definitely NOT be cooking in their home, you are the guest and bereaved - they should be looking after you. Also, never, never ask your DP for permission to spend your OWN money. When people close to you die you find out pretty quickly who is there for you - you might want to re-consider current DP's role in your life going forward. Sending you a hug and best wishes.

BlueThesaurusRex · 25/12/2017 11:40

So sorry for your loss- your head will be all over the place at the moment and it’s deeply inconsiderate of DP and his family to be expecting anything from you!!

I wish I had some advice but I don’t, please try and enjoy today as much as you can and remember some happy times that you spent with your mum xx

BewareOfDragons · 25/12/2017 11:56

Do you 2 have a car? If so, I would take my things, take the keys, and drive myself home. Your partner can sort himself out and get himself home when he's done.

If you can manage to get receipts for anything you did get, return them this week and buy what you actually want.

So sorry for your loss. But think about what your mum would want for you: she would want you to be happy. She would want you to enjoy life. And she would probably want you to get the gift that will put a smile on your face this holiday season. xx

mummmy2017 · 25/12/2017 11:58

My dad dies this year.

Go buy your thing when it's in stock....

Sod him....

MatildaTheCat · 25/12/2017 11:59

My MIL died last week and it’s so very tough. You’ve been on hyper alert getting everything done and arranged and unfortunately there is just no way of making today much better.

I haven’t exactly understood what it was you wanted but hear one lesson from me as I’m probably older than you: You do not need anybody’s permission to buy anything you want with your own money.

Sending you a gentle hug and I am so very sorry for you loss. A quiet tear shared.x

supersop60 · 25/12/2017 12:06

So sorry for your loss, and so sorry that your DP isn't being more supportive. Be kind to yourself, and only do what helps you through this difficult time. Flowers

zen1 · 25/12/2017 12:08

Flowers so sorry about you mum OP, things must be really hard right now.

From your OP, it sounds like your DP has told you not to buy something with your own money. It is your money and you can spend it as you wish. Please keep an eye out for the thing you were wanting and buy it as soon as it comes back in stock.

plominoagain · 25/12/2017 12:14

Important stuff ? Fuck that . It IS important . Important to you , and there’s no other justification you need . None at all . Buy it . If it brings you the tiniest bit of joy in what sounds an absolutely horrendous time , for which you have my hugest condolences, then it’s totally worth every penny , regardless of the cost .

YetAnotherSpartacus · 25/12/2017 12:31

Buy the stuff. Your DP is an inconsiderate prick.

Kewcumber · 25/12/2017 12:33

My mum is dying and I'm very grateful to have her still here at Xmas - she probably has weeks left.

Your partner sounds a big knob and if I were you I'm afraid I would be telling him that and (as a PP suggested) I'd be getting myself home pronto and moping in my pj's watching film as, eating chocolates and thinking about how my mum would like the rest of my life to be.

My mum's parents died 40 years ago and she had 40 years of happy life after thier loss and even survived a traumatic divorce and went on to be happy again. Her advice would be - do what makes you happy. Not at someone elses's expense but overall, if you can do it without making others suffer then just do what makes you happy.

If I were you, being outrageously rude to my partner before leaving would make me happy! (being buying what I wanted on Ebay whatever it cost).

Kewcumber · 25/12/2017 12:34

before buying what I wanted...

Wincarnis · 25/12/2017 12:42

i am sorry for your loss. My Mum died at christmas a few years ago, it was awful. You have had a lot to deal with, you deserve to have whatever you want from the celebrity collection. Consider it your Christmas present from your Mum, and make a point of buying yourself something nice from her at Christmas and birthdays.

sheldonesque · 25/12/2017 12:49

So sorry about your mam.

You say your partner is a lovely guy. He isn't. He should be making Christmas easy for you. He should be putting you first. He isn't.

It may be that he doesn't know how to handle it. You'd think his folks would be more compassionate and understanding though. Cooking food? Utterly thoughtless of them.

Thinking of you and those who are also missing loved ones Flowers

sheldonesque · 25/12/2017 12:51

And absolutely what wincarnis said x

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 25/12/2017 12:57

Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself.

Since I'm basically a coward, I'd probably do my best to 'power through' the day, then plead a sick headache as soon as I possibly could and retire to my room for a good cry, a book, and something sweet that I smuggled up.

As far as DP, perhaps once the holidays have died down you may want to take some time to quietly reflect on your relationship. Some men are just shit when it comes to grief. But some are just selfish arseholes. Up to you to decide which hat fits yours.

karalime · 25/12/2017 13:27

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My mum died in September, so this week I dropped a shit ton of money at the Chanel counter on nice things for myself.

You've been through so much and you've held it together, treat yo self!

NC4now · 25/12/2017 13:37

What’s your MIL like? Can you tell her how sad you feel? Sounds like you need someone to look after you a bit and put you first. Flowers

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