Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to refuse to open presents from DH?

63 replies

loobybear · 24/12/2017 14:20

We are really tight for cash this Christmas as a close family member got married a couple of weeks ago and the cost of attending the wedding (it was in UK but hours away so had to pay for hotel plus clothes for the quite specific dress code as well as gift and petrol money) has really strapped us.
We agreed not to get each other gifts and instead to plan something really special that we are going to do together next year. We were both pretty happy about this and both promised that neither of us would get the other a present. All was fine but last night DH tells me not to come in the room for a minute and eventually admits he's wrapping presents for me. I'm raging. I'm really ill just now so even if I wanted to go out and get him a gift I woudlnt be able to face the crowds with how I'm feeling. He says that he got paid a bit extra this month due to something getting backdated so decided he could use that to get me some gifts (close to £300 worth!!) and thought he was doing something nice for me.
I was stumped with what to do at first, I'm not opening gifts from him when I have nothing for him and I thought about getting him to take them back (which he offered to do) but Id feel guilty about that as he told me he spent loads of time looking for gifts I would really love and he feels proud of what he got me this year. So I thought the best solution would be to keep them aside until I'm able to go and get him some gifts and swap them at a later date (will have to be after my next wage). Would this be unreasonable to do? It's the best I can think of. Any other ideas?

OP posts:

Mollie85 · 24/12/2017 14:32

You could maybe book a weekend away? I know on booking dot com you don’t have to pay until you stay. But you can print off the confirmation and pop it into an envelope with a shiny bow.

Agree with other posters though - there have been a fair few threads this year about DHs being crap at present buying etc, so let him spoil you.
Have a fab Christmas

allinclusive · 24/12/2017 14:32

Please accept the gifts in the spirit in which they were intended. Of course you will reciprocate but it doesn't have to be on Christmas morning. We all love each other in different ways, and you DH has chosen to spoil you rotten-you must deserve to be.

Happy Christmas x

silkpyjamasallday · 24/12/2017 14:33

Why don't you get some card and make a 'voucher' for something he'd like? A favourite meal cooked specially for him, massages, a day trip to somewhere he'd like to go, anything that would be appreciated by him. He will know you haven't had the opportunity to reciprocate the gifts like for like but I'm sure the gesture would be appreciated. I've done this before and it has always been appreciated far more than a crappy last minute gift.

Lovemusic33 · 24/12/2017 14:36

I wouldn’t feel awkward, I think what he has done is sweet, he had a bit of extra money from work and wanted to spend it on you. It doesn’t mean he expects anything in return, he will enjoy watching you open them.

Fairylea · 24/12/2017 14:38

Oh just enjoy the gifts!

My mum is one of those people that even if you try to spoil her she gets all upset and worried she hasn’t spent the same on you... it’s tedious and upsetting. My mum is on a really low salary (think pension credit etc) and this year my dh and I have spent a lot on her, including Netflix subscription and other vouchers etc for her to treat herself. I’m really excited to give them to her but I’m also worried her reaction will be similar to yours and she’ll feel bad she hasn’t got a similar amount for us - even though there’s no way she could afford to! Sometimes it really is fun just to give to someone. It’s doesn’t have to be equal!

froshiechipandbrickie · 24/12/2017 14:42

Enjoy the gifts :)

Maybe a crass suggestion, but are you a couple that does the ‘birthday sex’ thing? Might be a good solution. Or maybe a massage? (Obviously depends on your DH).

But no, I wouldn’t feel awkward. He knew that you wouldn’t get him anything but chose to surprise you. Enjoy the presents? Merry Christmas ✨✨

oliveinacampervan · 24/12/2017 14:47

@loobybear

I would be pissed off too after we had made a pact to buy nothing. Some people are saying 'he sounds lovely,' but to me he doesn't. He has basically COMPLETELY gone against what you had agreed, spent money you don't have, disregarded your feelings, and made you feel like shit.

Don't care what anyone else says, IMO, what he has done is shit. He isn't 'lovely;' he is disrespectful and a bit of an arse. What he has done is manipulative and controlling. I can't believe people aren't seeing that. 'Let's not buy each other anything' they both agreed; and what does he do??? Go right out and spend £300 on the OP, when she has got nothing for him (like they AGREED,) and she has no time or opportunity to get anything. I would be fucking pissed off.

AND I would be refusing to open them - and making him take them back.

Cindie943811A · 24/12/2017 14:52

Fairy Lea. Just remind your DM of all the times she gave to you when you were too young to reciprocate and the pleasure she must have felt in making you happy. Now it your time to do it for her and you hope your young ones will one day be in a position to do the same for you. You want to be able to show her the love and gratitude you feel without her fretting over who has spent what.
Good luck

RidingWindhorses · 24/12/2017 14:52

What a lovely guy. Please don't ruin his Christmas by being an arse about it. I'd be upset in his place.

If you feel bad, then you can always treat him to something special later in the year when you have more money. It's something for him to look forward to.

WingsofNylon · 24/12/2017 14:53

For fucks sake! You are raging because your husband bought you a gift or two?
Presumably he did it knowing you weren't planning on getting him any. He did a really sweet kind thing. Open them, enjoy them and get over yourself.

sussexman · 24/12/2017 14:55

I can entirely understand being pissed off. I can also understand having a bit extra and thinking "I could be nice with this". What I don't understand is the 'manipulative and controlling' remark. What, based on the post, is he manipulating or controlling her to do?

Personally, I'd just graciously accept the gifts.

Cindie943811A · 24/12/2017 14:55

OP, a treasure hunt sounds great. Be creative in how you present the “gifts” ie use boxes, unused cards etc. Letter can say where the clue can be found on a certain date. That will give you plenty of time to figure out a witty rhyme or message regarding the whereabouts of the treasure.

swingofthings · 24/12/2017 14:58

I get more pleasure giving their receiving presents. I wouldn't mind if OH and I agreed not to get each other anything, he didn't but I decided to do so.

Act happy and say you are very lucky.

SadieContrary · 24/12/2017 14:59

I think he's very sweet. Yes, he reneged on your agreement but only because he got this unexpected bonus and how lovely that you were his thought to spend it on - many others wouldn't have and I can imagine the reverse MN post.
The other reply suggesting a wknd away booked now as no payment required yet is great. Also, what about a CD of songs that both mean things to you? Practically free but really lovely to receive? Pinterest have lots of great ideas like a jar with '52 reasons why I love you' with a wee note for each week of the year.
I'd be like you, gutted not to give my DH something when he'd bought for me but Xmas is only one day after all and you'll get a chance to unexpectedly spoil him in future in return at one point. He's clearly taking the pleasure from giving not receiving and that's a true festive spirit

catkind · 24/12/2017 15:06

You agreed not to get something. The fact he got something anyway is not your fault and I think the kind thing on that score would be to appreciate your gifts and only lightly tell him off for breaking the deal. Certainly nothing to feel bad about the fact you haven't got him something. IF it was his money to spend. I think it's fine to say look that's lovely and I really appreciate it but wtf I'd rather have had the cash in the bank for new school shoes for the kids or whatever it is.

However, if it's impacted the family budget and you'll now be struggling to feed the family for January, then I'd be livid. But in that case even less reason for you to retaliate by also spending money you can't afford.

Booie09 · 24/12/2017 15:12

Can we get through one post without man bashing! So you had a deal he got paid extra and instead of spending it on himself he decided to spend it on you for Christmas!! How bloody ungrateful.

TheRottweiler · 24/12/2017 15:13

LTB.

TheRottweiler · 24/12/2017 15:14

Lightly tell him off.....

Oh FFS!!!

catkind · 24/12/2017 15:24

Hmm, maybe that didn't come out the way I meant it Rottweiler. I mean you can let someone know you think they shouldn't have done something without going for the jugular and making a horrible atmosphere at Christmas. Then DH and I are really not that interested in gifts, and trust each other's judgement on "situation changed, so did something different" type things. Maybe in a different relationship dynamic it would be different.

SirGawain · 24/12/2017 15:25

Accept the gifts with a good grace and in the sprit in which they were given; with love. Stop making a drama out of a loving gesture.

LoniceraJaponica · 24/12/2017 15:26

" I suggest you go gracious, thankful and feeling blessed and making him feel good rather than miserable and angry and provoking a row. "

This ^^

You will both have a miserable Christmas if you ignore this advice.

On another note I don't understand why people almost bankrupt themselves over weddings. could you not have scaled it back a bit? Did you really have to adhere to the specific dress code? Could you not have spent so much on a gift?

If OH and I had been told what to wear at a wedding we would probably either ignore the demand or just give it a token nod. And we wouldn't feel at all embarrassed to scale back the gift.

TenancyTroublesAgain · 24/12/2017 15:26

You sound nice.....

Aeroflotgirl · 24/12/2017 15:27

Ahhh that's lovely, he is your dh and wanted to do something nice for you, receive them with good grace and enjoy them. Yes there are some lovely gift suggestions for you to do for him. I like the treasure hunt leading to something like a cream tea out, or picnic.

stitchglitched · 24/12/2017 15:29

If you share finances it isn't fair that you were too strapped for cash to buy gifts and he had 300 to spend. He should have split the money so you could both have spent 150 on each other IMO.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/12/2017 15:30

I understand your feelings of frustration, and that you are upset he has bought you presents when you have nothing for him - but you can't refuse to open them, he'll be really hurt!

He's gone against your previous agreement, and that was his choice - he has to deal with the fact that you stuck to your end of it.
You can, of course, do the dates/treasure hunt/personal voucher idea (my son loves doing personal vouchers - one Big Hug for Mummy, one washing the car, one doing the washing up, you get the idea) and then you have given him something - you don't need to spend money to give him a lovely present.

But yeah, I think I'd mention that it would be a good plan to give you a heads up if he's going to go outside of the terms of any agreement in future!

Flip

1 2 3