To not tell DP about the dirty message I got?

[GrooovyLass]

A few weeks ago I got a random message off a man I'd gone to school with. He lived a few doors down from us and we actually started primary school together.

He asked how I was doing etc so I told him DD is now 18, been with DP 7 years etc and he told me his DC are now 11 and 8 but he's just got divorced. Conversation then went me: "sorry to hear that. You concentrate on having a good Christmas with your boys." Him: "could we meet up and I can lick your pussy?"

No word of a lie, he just came out with that. I told him it's not acceptable to speak to women like that and I blocked him. Didn't say anything to anyone, including DP. DP was about to have an operation and I didn't want to upset him, plus I was doing the usual female thing of feeling stupid and also guilty that I'd somehow led him on by asking about his kids etc etc. Also felt very meh and rather violated. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before - I'm a fat middle aged mother so not your usual sex pest's target.

I was talking to about friend last night and drunkenly blurted all this out. She was aghast I've not told DP and thinks he has a right to know. I say no, it's my thing and I don't want anyone else to know about it. I've not cheated or been unfaithful I was just sent a message and I blocked the sender. She's adamant I should tell him.

AIBU to want to keep this to myself?

Predictive text badly let him down? Maybe he meant buy you a coffee? To catch up!!
Maybe he is mortified!!

Sorry that was quite long and I've had a paragraph fail!

I should add that I feel I shouldn't have to tell anyone that I don't want to, including DP, because that way I've taken the control back. I was raped when I was young and I feel the same way about that - I have to control who knows.

My DP would fucking throttle any man who said that to me so I wouldn't tell him.

What do you think your DP will do?

No his message said I could just lie back and enjoy it...

I see no reason to tell your dp tbh. Your a big girl and presumably you don’t want the dirty bastard licking anything so really there isn’t anything to tell

Yeah I think I'm worried he'd go mad.

Haha exactly pink! Nothing licked here, thanks!

If you think your DP will get physical then don't tell him. If he gets physical one of two things will happen. Either he will lose the fight and get hurt, or he will win the fight and get in trouble.

I had similar, didn’t tell anyone for same reasons that you stated. He began stalking me and made me life hell. Police involved, had to warn work etc. DP was very supportive but couldn’t understand why I hadn’t said sooner, he could see that my side of the conversation was innocent.

Ewww what a gross fucking pig!

DO NOT NOT NOT feel to blame for this.

He is a foul pig. Ewwww, nasty. Who the fuck does he think he is?!

I would tell your husband. I think he needs to know. What if he finds out and you HAVEN'T told him? It may upset him.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Vile man!

Maybe he was channelling John Barrowman....

On a more serious note, you did nothing wrong. Tell DP or don't tell him, totally up to you but remember it wasn't your fault.

I "might" tell my dp, but it would depend.
Having to fend off disgusting advances from hideous men is so fucking common, but if you tell a partner, they go all nuts as if someone has insulted "THEM, not you. Id only tell someone if it was not going to make a gross situation worse.

If i could handle it myself I would and just block the guy.

I would tell my DH, but the OP needs to decide for herself if it's the best thing to do.

My DH would be devastated if he discovered something like this had happened to me and I hadn't felt I could confide in him.

As someone who has experienced this, I say don't say anything. I told my DP at the time, as I knew he would not react physically, I simply wanted to be honest with him. But I can see why you didn't say anything. And why say it now, when the moment has passed so to speak? I would leave it, you have blocked him, he will have got the message. It'll only create a whirlwind and as you say, your DP has enough to deal with recovering from an operation.

No wonder his wife divorced him.

Yes I’d tell my dh.

If you will feel like the situation will be taken out of your control, then don’t tell him. I can see how this must bring up lots of crap from being raped and I think you have a right to handle it in the best way for your wellbeing and state of mind.

I don’t think your partner has a ‘right’ to know anything like that, but you may want to tell him if he’d be helpful and supportive. Otherwise, why invite a shit storm where you get to feel like property being fought over. No one owns your body or soul except you.

jesus.. there's an offer you don't get every Christmas...

I would keep the message.

Just in case the revolting pig hasn’t got the message and tries to escalate further contact/messaging.

Absolutely nothing for you to feel guilty about. Impossible to predict someone would go from polite chit chat to that.

It depends, if you tell your dp do you think he will support and comfort you? Or do you think he will try to make it about him and his 'pride' that another man spoke dirty to his woman? If it's the latter then chances are telling him will just create more bother imo.

God men like this are such bloody pesky idiots. I've currently got one who keeps messaging me asking to go for 'coffee' but then tells me about all the dirty dreams he has about me. I've not told DH. Nor have I met him for 'coffee'.

Why do they do this? Do they think it makes them look attractive? Do they imagine we are getting ourselves into a hot lather reading these sleazy messages? Dirty bastards.

You might have told him if he wasn't having an operation, it's entirely understandable.

I don't think we're obliged to report all the lurid sexual shit that comes our way, sometimes it's easier to forget about it than make a thing of it.

My DP would fucking throttle any man who said that to me so I wouldn't tell him.

If you find this in any way endearing or gallant then that's quite a sad state of affairs.

Thanks everyone. He's blocked now and he doesn't live near me. It wasn't nice but I'm not traumatised - as a PP said I'm a big girl!

I rather think DP would take it as an offence against his honour, although I may be doing him a massive disservice.

I only told my friend because she knew him at school too, it's not like it's been on my mind all these weeks.

I would love to know what goes through their minds when they do this. Did he think I was going to say omg yes please?!

I would love to know what goes through their minds when they do this. Did he think I was going to say omg yes please?

I’ve heard it compared to the ”Congratulations, you have won $400,000,000 in the Nigerian lottery. All I need is your bank details” emails that everyone gets.

The chance of anyone responding favourably is infinitesimally small, but presumably if they spam enough people, this shortens the odds.

Honestly, what an idiot! I agree with ignore, block and forget.

A few years ago I got in touch with an old university friend. After a few back and forth 'what are you up to' messages he came out with 'are your boobs still nice and pert?'

He was married.

I ignored and didn't reply.

I don't know what he expected, but what a stupid man!!