To not tell DP about the dirty message I got?

[GrooovyLass]

A few weeks ago I got a random message off a man I'd gone to school with. He lived a few doors down from us and we actually started primary school together.

He asked how I was doing etc so I told him DD is now 18, been with DP 7 years etc and he told me his DC are now 11 and 8 but he's just got divorced. Conversation then went me: "sorry to hear that. You concentrate on having a good Christmas with your boys." Him: "could we meet up and I can lick your pussy?"

No word of a lie, he just came out with that. I told him it's not acceptable to speak to women like that and I blocked him. Didn't say anything to anyone, including DP. DP was about to have an operation and I didn't want to upset him, plus I was doing the usual female thing of feeling stupid and also guilty that I'd somehow led him on by asking about his kids etc etc. Also felt very meh and rather violated. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before - I'm a fat middle aged mother so not your usual sex pest's target.

I was talking to about friend last night and drunkenly blurted all this out. She was aghast I've not told DP and thinks he has a right to know. I say no, it's my thing and I don't want anyone else to know about it. I've not cheated or been unfaithful I was just sent a message and I blocked the sender. She's adamant I should tell him.

AIBU to want to keep this to myself?

@thenightsky

Men like this are such bloody pesky idiots. I've currently got one who keeps messaging me asking to go for 'coffee' but then tells me about all the dirty dreams he has about me. I've not told DH. Nor have I met him for 'coffee'.

I would DEFINITELY have told my husband by now. Why have you not told him?

I am not saying our husbands have to know EVERYthing, but FGS, stuff like this, they need to know. Especially when it has gone as far as you say your situation has.

Why do they do this? Do they think it makes them look attractive? Do they imagine we are getting ourselves into a hot lather reading these sleazy messages? Dirty bastards.

Exactly. They think we are 'turned on' by it. It's the same kind of twat who sends a picture of their cock to women online, and whistles and catcalls at women in public.

It's hard to believe that there are still lots of men around, who are stupid enough to believe women enjoy being treated like this. Or is it that they enjoy the thought of women squirming and being embarrassed? (Probably a bit of both.)

@notsuchasmugmarriednow1

My DP would fucking throttle any man who said that to me so I wouldn't tell him.

@Vladimirspoutin

If you find this in any way endearing or gallant then that's quite a sad state of affairs.

I didn't see notsuchasmugmarriednow1 say she found it endearing or gallant. You just made that bit up.

A similar thing happened to me. Guy I knew from school sent me a friend request. From his profile he seemed to be happy and in a relationship but once I accepted his friend request I realized he was recently single.

At first there was a bit of general chit chat. Then one morning..,

The texts went

I want to fuck you.
Are you shaved?
I want to fuck you
Babe
I really want to fuck you
Do you do anal?
I really want to fuck you
Babe
Do you want to fuck me too?

It was just so bad!!

Then he tried calling me on messenger and I totally panicked as DS wanted to play Minecraft on the computer do I deleted and blocked him.

So disgusting

Jeeeez @Shadow. What is WRONG with some men?!

I can't ever imagine a woman doing this!

Do any women ever succumb to their 'sexy' texts? You know; run along and strip off, and lie down on their bed, and open their legs for them, and let the man merrily munch away on their lady garden as he promised?

I wonder if the women ever DID do that, if the man in question would go for it? Or is it all bravado, bullshit, and fantasy?

You just made that bit up.

@oliveinacampervan Odd grasp of comprehension you're displaying there. Did you miss the opening clause of my sentence?

Honestly don't let this over stress you, it's not a big deal, you did nothing wrong, he's an idiot. You've blocked and moved on, I don't know why you " need " to tell your husband, if you want to tell him, tell him, if not don't, but shrug it off and forget about it. I'd prob tell mine but more Out of "guess what a fucking pervert he is" type amusement.

The reason they do it? I suspect they cut to thr chase to see if it's worth putting the effort in. If you're not up for it. They don't want to waste energy conversing. So now you know. He's an ignorant pig. He doesn't want to be your friend, if you fancy a shag he's up for it, past that he's not interested. No more to be said really.

i think perhaps ok not to tell.allthough would he be hurt or angry if he finds out later.then I would pre-empt that and so think of telling him if only to stop a future row or ill feeling with yourselves.
but if it goes any any further id get his support.
especially because of ur past trauma.it might feel ur managing but that stress and vulgar feeling of it can creep up on you over anything and this would do it for me having someone text that is just horrid.

Hmm, this was interesting to read as a man. My initial thought was "of course tell him, imagine the other way around where your DP had kept secret a message from a woman along the lines of 'Can I suck..' " But absolutely his reaction would be key - you've done the right thing, if telling him would make it worse and restart everything I'd say block and forget is just fine.

FWIW messages from women as I've described don't generally happen; suggestions in drunken moments sadly do.

@chickenowner

He texted me saying 'are your boobs still nice and pert?' I don't know what he expected

He expected to fuck you.

I'm run a couple of blogs, one teaching, one health related. I have linked Instagram accounts.... I posted pictures of myself doing educational activities in the snow.... And got dick pics. I am overweight, queer presenting

Personally i wouldn't bother saying anything. I work in a shop and a guy has been coming in and talking to me even when i was obviously pregnant he would make a point to come over and talk. I would just say hello briefly like i would any other customer. He found me on f.b and messaged me asking if i was single. Then said oh i see your married and asked if i still love my husband. Ffs. You have done the right thing block and forget. I haven't said anything to my dh

I somehow displeased some random bloke in a pub once. He ‘knew’ a friend of mine and got my phone numbers (work and home). I was subjected to a barrage of calls starting nicely enough just suggesting we have a drink together, but they soon escalated to very nasty stuff indeed, including “when I’ve finished wining and dining you, we can go for a walk along the river and then I’ll drag you into X Alley and rape you and shag you until you split....”. Horrible violent stuff. Luckily I had an answerphone, and had atopped answering my phone altogether, so his messages were recorded. I took the tape to the police.

He was wanted for a few things where he had lived out his fantasies, and I didn’t even have to appear as a witness though I think the tape helped. I think he’s still inside, even though it was about 30 years ago.

Gosh, I’d forgotten about that whole episode!

Why on earth does your friend think your DH has got "a right to know"? What "right" exactly? He doesn't own you. You've dealt with the problem perfectly by telling the creepy perv not to speak to you like that and blocking him.

Is she one of these women who secretly enjoys being the centre of the drama? Making not much effort at all to not enjoy every second of telling all and sundry how she's had to 'restrain' her partner from coming over like a caveman whilst he threatens to beat the crap out of someone for impugning the honour of his woman?

OP I got almost exactly the same message from a guy I was at school with. He told me he was into swinging too. Out of the blue. I just ignored him. Baffling really.

You don't need to tell him, you aren't his possession, you dealt with it very well on your own.

If you don't want to tell your DP then don't - it's entirely your decision. As you say, at the moment the comment belongs to you - if you tell your DP you will have to take his response into account.

If you can file it away and not ever see this horrible person then I would do just that. It's such a shame there are such idiots in the world but unfortunately there are plenty. I expect this man spreads a lot of misery and unease.

Well done to you for finding a way through your past traumas. Enjoy Christmas and the New Year with your family.

My partner would be angry and feel betrayed if I didn’t tell him I’d received a message like that so I’d tell him

I would tell mine. I don't see the point in hiding it. If it comes out later on he will wonder why you never mentioned it.

It's not likely to come out - my friend disagrees with my decision but isn't going to betray my confidence by telling him.

It's saddening how many of us have has this isn't it.

I would tell my husband, he wouldn’t react violently or act as though it was an insult to him, so I would have no reason not to. I had an acquaintance from school message me to tell me I’m sexy and ask whether I want to hook up. Yuck. There wasn’t even any back and forth before that. I wonder whether it has worked for him in the past?

This stuff about the dh has a right to know is just mad. She’s not been engaging in consensual activity behind his back! She’s got a stupid message from an arsehole. Do you go running to your husbands every time someone cat calls you in the street?

I'd have told my OH straight away, I would have told a few people straight away, because it's odd an shocking behaviour and I'd want people to know for some reason.