AIBU to tell dad he needs to stop peeing himself?

[BadElsa]

For several years my elderly father has come to ours for Christmas. Every year he wets himself. Sometimes while sitting on the sofa, sometimes he doesn't make it to toilet in time and leaves puddles on the floor. He also leaks I suspect and doesn't change his trousers so sometimes absolutely reeks. He seems completely oblivious. I've tried getting an older family member to gently broach the subject to little avail. He stinks right now and we have people coming round. But how do I tell him on Christmas Eve that he needs to do something. Note this is only an issue when he drinks but he drinks whisky constantly.

. HTH

I don’t think you’re going to be able to stop him but you can encourage him, bluntly, to change his clothes.

The last sentence of your post is important. Is he an alcoholic? My initial thought on reading your post is that there must be something medically wrong. People don’t just choose to pee themselves and telling him to stop it seems cruel. It sounds, however, that you should actually should be asking him to not drink booze.

I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that he is wetting himself, it isn't normal, the smell is unpleasant for other people and he needs to seek medical help. Then I would offer to go with him to the GP/continence nurse who will review him and come up with some suggestions as to what to do to control it or if it can't be controlled they will recommend or prescribe continence pads.

Can you keep reminding him to go to the toilet? Poor you op that sounds awful.

He’s an old man -he can’t help it. It sounds like he needs incontinence pants.

So it isn't that he is incontinent but that he is an alcoholic!

Is he in touch with any support services? Is he in any immediate danger health and or safety wise?

There is so little you can do for an alcoholic, it is really difficult to find your balance and to deal with it without getting embroiled in so much emotional 'warfare'.

Have a Christmas Hug, and my best wishes!

You might want to buy him some incontinece pads or pants, and be direct but polite with him, and tell him to shower and change his trousers before your guests arrive and make sure you wash his trousers and undies.

Tell him as soon as you can it’s not a conversation to have with guests around.

You can also get chair pads, perhaps put one under him and put a washable blanket over to hide it to protect your sofa. You might need to nip out to boots or a supermarket. Drinkers bed pads are good too and easy to get anywhere

If this has been going on for years why haven't you addressed the issue before???

Dri nites. Stupid autocorrect

When he's not drunk, I'd tell him straight out.
Have some pads to give him. Tell him he can get more at the chemist or online.
Tell him he's not welcome at your house if he continues to pee himself and stink.

If he's always drunk I'd refuse to have him round at all.

How does it help to say she should have done it before?

LOL - I thought that Drinkers Bed Pads were addressing the alcoholic reference in TPA!

why haven't you addressed the issue before? Embarrassment.

Get over that and get him told!

He may be alcoholic but the practical side can still be dealt with in a dignified way. Old men often have no idea that incontinence products are easily available.

He's not an alcoholic, he just likes a whisky but when he has too many his bladder weakens. I haven't mentioned it before because I thought it would be pretty upsetting and humiliating to be told this by your child and ruin his Christmas.

Many older people, particular with dementia, have incontinence issues and at first I thought the title of your post was very harsh. But it seems like your dad has a drink problem resulting in his loss of bladder control. It is absolutely unacceptable to stink your house out and damage your sofa. You should really have broached the issue a while back. I know its not helpful but the fact is that matters will stay as they are otherwise.

Could he have a bath and change of clothes at your house op? Whilst he may be resistant you could try to be persuasive and perhaps wash and dry his clothes. However, that doesn't deal with the ongoing problem. I don't think he is choosing to pee himself, but I think he no longer cares because whisky is more important and this indicates what other posters are saying about him being an alcoholic.

He must know he does this. The smell alone is awful - plus he must realise he's wet.
Just tell him straight. He knows already and isn't addressing it and doesn't care enough for you to do anything other than let you clear his mess.

Get him pads to pop in trousers and take him to the GP in the new year.

haven't mentioned it before because I thought it would be pretty upsetting and humiliating to be told this by your child and ruin his Christmas.

Yeah because hI** doesn't already know

The only upsetting factor for him is that he has a daughter who doesn't care enough to help him address an incontinence problem he has had for years. You should be ashamed.

If alcohol makes it worse then he should avoid alcohol. The fact that he won’t does suggest some kind of dependence

Adults don’t generally pee themselves by choice, it’s embarrassing and unpleasant. But because it’s embarrassing people often put off seeking help and prefer to bury their heads in the sand about it.

He may be unaware that there are incontinence pads/pants out there so may be just accepting it as an inevitable part of aging. But he doesn’t have to and you don’t have to accept your furniture getting ruined.

YANBU to broach the subject but don’t just say “you need to stop wetting yourself” as it’s likely he can’t help it and will get defensive. Ask him if he’s sought medical help and offer to help him do so. Get him so pads to try and tell him where he can get more.

Surely if he drinks whiskey constantly he's an alcoholic

As it's Christmas Eve there's little you can do practically right now, other than insist he has a bath and changes his clothes, repeatedly remind him to go to the toilet, and cover him up with a blanket to hide it in front of guests. It sounds like treating him like a baby, but if you want the problem sorted I don't see how else you could approach it. He has to know that you know. In the new year, take him to the GP.

He can get a referral to his local continence clinic through the GP who will be able to look at his issues and provide appropriate support and supplies e.g. Incontinence pads or pants.

Christmas Eve is not really the time to address it for the first time is it?

How old is he? Has he been to discuss it with a doctor? Out of kindness I would leave it for xmas day etc and bring up later. Ask him gently if he’s been to see a doctor and then support him either getting a resolution or the appropriate aids (Tena lady equivalent for men). You won’t be humiliating him if if comes from kindness and care and done privately rather than the disgust your op suggests.