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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell dad he needs to stop peeing himself?

68 replies

BadElsa · 24/12/2017 13:09

For several years my elderly father has come to ours for Christmas. Every year he wets himself. Sometimes while sitting on the sofa, sometimes he doesn't make it to toilet in time and leaves puddles on the floor. He also leaks I suspect and doesn't change his trousers so sometimes absolutely reeks. He seems completely oblivious. I've tried getting an older family member to gently broach the subject to little avail. He stinks right now and we have people coming round. But how do I tell him on Christmas Eve that he needs to do something. Note this is only an issue when he drinks but he drinks whisky constantly.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/12/2017 13:42

He's not an alcoholic, he just likes a whisky but when he has too many his bladder weakens. And, despite knowing the outcome, he does it again and again... he is an alcoholic.

You need to accept that one before you can do anything that might help!

TinselTwat · 24/12/2017 13:42

Snowman41 why on EARTH should the OP be ashamed?! She doesn't make him drink too much whisky and piss himself. Get over yourself.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 24/12/2017 13:42

My friend cares for his elderly neighbour...he and his wife include this man in all their days out and special meals etc. The poor old man also wets himself a lot. My mate just covers up the sofa on days he's going to be there.

Easy.

Mumof56 · 24/12/2017 13:43

If it's on going, why did you decide Christmas eve is the appropriate time to address the issue?

Roconnell · 24/12/2017 13:46

Note this is only an issue when he drinks but he drinks whisky constantly.

This is the key sentence here. It's not your responsibility OP, it's his. If he only wets himself when he's been drinking then he needs to not drink. Simple.

FuzzyCustard · 24/12/2017 13:47

Don't give him whisky if that makes it worse? It would mean you'd all have to forego alcohol (or it would be really unfair and obvious) but it seems a reasonable if short-term solution for now. And then address the real problem after Christmas.

Snowman41 · 24/12/2017 13:49

Snowman41 why on EARTH should the OP be ashamed?! She doesn't make him drink too much whisky and piss himself. Get over yourself.

Because he is her FATHER. He needs her help, be it with the incontinence or the alcohol issue. The OP has done nothing for YEARS to try and help him. That's why.

Gemini69 · 24/12/2017 13:50

Stop giving him bloody Whisky.. get him in a bath... put Tena Pants on him... it's really not acceptable... Xmas Grin

ShatnersBassoon · 24/12/2017 13:52

Why, if this has been going on for several years and you don't want to spoil Christmas, are you just today asking people on the internet who can provide no practical help what you should do?

Viviennemary · 24/12/2017 13:53

This is a common problem in elderly men and a medical problem. Made worse by consumption of alcohol. You're the one in the wrong for being so naïve and unsympathetic.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/12/2017 13:53

Because he is her FATHER. Do you think OP should be responsible for her DFs drinking, Snowman? That way utter madness lies!

Alcoholics CANNOT be helped, that's why!

Gemini69 · 24/12/2017 14:02

I'm telling you ... Tena Pants are the way to go OP Xmas Grin brilliant things

Cindie943811A · 24/12/2017 14:04

Tell him it’s a common problem when one gets older and supply him with incontinence pants. Assure him they are not detectable. Can you nip out to the supermarket or your local Boots? Get a waterproof sheet for bed in the New Year — John Lewis have one’s that zip on over mattress and which are not noisy or noticeable. Supply night incontinence pads for when he stays over. Put a plastic bag in a bin placed discreetly somewhere for him to dispose of used pants.
Although aware of the problem, I suspect he is not so aware of the smell — perhaps his sense of smell is not as acute or maybe he is developing Parkinson’s (this is an early indicator).
I doubt he is incontinent only when he drinks — it’s likely that it just isn’t as noticeable until he has a full (whisky filled) bladder. One of the problems is that often the person affected does not feel the urge to empty the bladder until it is too late to get to the lavatory, so your DF May resist your urging when he believes he doesn’t need to go.
The Continence Nurse will be very helpful to him
Good luck

meredintofpandiculation · 24/12/2017 14:05

He may be oblivious to the smell, you don't always smell your own urine.

If he's smelling at the moment, then you need to get him into clean pants and trousers, possibly help him to wash. Treat it fairly matter-of-factly, as if it's no great deal. And just talk about the immediate problem "Oh dear Dad, you seem to have had an accident we need to get you cleaned up and changed", and leave the longer term discussion (seeing GP/cutting down drinking/wearing pads) to a bit later. Indeed if you've had several "we need to get you changed" conversations, he may be more open to admitting there's a problem and looking for longer term help.

It's really rubbish getting old, especially when you're used to being the person who sorts everyone else's problems. Bits of your body start packing up, and not only do you find yourself useless, other people have to start helping you. It's a horrible position to be in.

granny24 · 24/12/2017 14:13

Meredin, what a lovely empathetic response. Growing old can be a real pain, but it's better than the alternative!

gwondle · 24/12/2017 14:14

It's not his fault, as others have said it's a common medical issue.

YABVU to blame him for something he can't help.

meredintofpandiculation explains best how to help him in a matter of fact way. He almost certainly won't welcome the intervention (who wants to be told they smell or wet themselves?) but he needs your help and encouragement to seek help, as it is unhygenic and he is likely to get sore, as well as the effect on others.

Blackteadrinker77 · 24/12/2017 14:17

I don't understand how the very first time it happened you didn't go up to him and take him to the toilet, clean him down and talk about it.

Your his child, he needs your support.
Buy some pants at the supermarket today and just take him and clean him up when it happens. Let him enjoy his whiskey, it is Christmas.

ChestyNutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 24/12/2017 14:17

You think telling him to stop peeing himself will solve the problem?

Incontinence is a medical problem.
Help him.

Lovemusic33 · 24/12/2017 14:17

All the people saying ‘tell him to wear a pad, ask I’m to change’, how do you do that without upsetting him? It must be hard for him to admit that there’s a problem, getting old and losing control must be horrible, sadly it will happen to most of us at some point.

OP, I feel for you, I’m not sure how I would handle it. My grandfather is really old and we have been through this with him, luckily he doesn’t get embarrassed at all and would help me change him and would wear a pad. He now has a catheter which has made things so much easier and so much cleaner. We used the day nite pads or puppy pads for him to sit on for a while before he started using pads, the smell was pretty horrid until he got the catheter.

FurryDogMother · 24/12/2017 14:19

After Christmas, have a frank chat with him, and try to get him to go to the docs and have a blood test to check his PSA levels. Prostate cancer can exacerbate or cause continence issues, and it's not uncommon in older men. In the meantime, do as others have suggested and get him some incontinence pads or briefs. The briefs are better, in my experience (I have a father with prostate cancer) as they seem more like 'normal' underwear.

Original poster
BadElsa · 24/12/2017 14:23

Sorry but I wasn't expecting quite the level of vitriol I have received for this post. He has four other children who won't have him over at all because of this and will not speak to him about it either. Thank you to those who have been supportive. To those who felt the need to call me all sorts of names Merry Christmas.

OP posts:
Snowman41 · 24/12/2017 14:27

Because he is her FATHER. Do you think OP should be responsible for her DFs drinking, Snowman? That way utter madness lies!

Well yes there comes a point in our lives where unfortunately the tables turn and we do have to take on responsibility for our parents. Isn't that just normal? I couldn't ever imagine not helping my parents later in life when they need me.

Alcoholics CANNOT be helped, that's why!

Actually, they can. Well some can, but to not even try and just moan about the smell of piss ruining Christmas is really sad.

Snowman41 · 24/12/2017 14:29

He has four other children who won't have him over at all because of this and will not speak to him about it either.

That doesn't justify your own actions ratherlackofthem it just makes you as bad as them.

Gemini69 · 24/12/2017 14:29

I'm pretty sure your Father would rather know that he's overly 'Fragrant' ... and someone helped him resolve it... than him being left as the unwanted relative... Xmas Hmm

Fffion · 24/12/2017 14:32

Does he have someone looking after him? If so, can you have a word?

If not, then it seems like he is not able to look after himself, and needs some extra help.

Can you just take the bull by the horns and boss him into wearing clean clothes and incontinence pants? Clean clothes for Christmas Day shouldn’t be controversial.

My DF and FIL both wear these pants. It’s a fact of life for many elderly men.

The alternative, as others have said is protective pads and towels for your furniture.

Sorry you have had a hard time. It is not easy dealing with elderly parents so their problems can creep up on you.

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