DH in A&E, hand hold?

[skifunday]

DH is currently in A&E with abdominal pain. We don’t know what it is yet. He’s had blood tests and is going for a CT scan.

I am sympathetic to a point, I don’t want to sound like a cow, I really love him, but I’m sick of the anxiety anger stress and worry his health causes us.

He’s had a DVT, sepsis, a non-healing infected spot on his leg, investigations for colon cancer - he’s been told he has polyps, and now this. All in the last 2.5 years.

He is massively overweight and totally sedentary. He refuses to do any exercise. I convinced him to hire a personal trainer, but he went twice then cancelled sessions, he has a gym membership - doesn’t go, ever.

I’m a (size 8-10) SAHM, I cook from scratch, I make his lunch everyday but he usually ‘forgets’ it.
I cook healthy - but tasty - meals at home for us all (I’m a bit of a foodie, so it’s decent stuff!)

I find the wrappers of chocolate, crisps, supermarket sandwiches and sugary drinks in his car.

When its his turn to cook, he’ll arrive home with a takeaway.

We have 3 DCs, one a baby, I’m completely exhausted doing everything at home (he only takes out the bins).

He works long hours, and he has a stressful job, and I really appreciate him working so hard, but we can’t continue like this.

It’s Christmas bloody Eve, and I’ve just taken him to A&E, I’m now on my own with the children, snapping at them for making a mess, and stressed up to my eyeballs. I’ve made up some rubbish lie to hide this from the children!

(It’s just us at home for Christmas so I’m not stressing about Lunch tomorrow)

I know this is in AIBU, and I know I’m not BU to be this stressed and worried, but I don’t know what to do 😔 hand hold maybe?!

YANBU to be stressed because it's extra hassle at a busy time, and you're probably worried about DH (even though he barely deserves it!). No idea what to recommend but you can have a handhold....

I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I don't have any advice and I fear my husband is heading in the same direction and I've almost given up trying to encourage him to make healthier choices, even to just set a good example for our child. I hope it's nothing serious and you get home for Christmas

Tell him that all you want for Christmas is for him to care more about himself and live enough to see your kids grow up. YANBU.

hand hold here. He is being totally irresponsible to his family but unless he wants to change it’s not going to happen.

I think you need to lay it all out for him and use this as a wake up call to get himself healthy physically and mentally.

I hope his tests all come back clear today and the children have a magical day tomorrow.

Handhold from me. You've got a lot on your plate. Hopefully your DH will start to take his health seriously if the doctors give him a serious talking to.

Scale back as much as you can, maybe get the children to help more if they are told their DF is poorly it may not be done exactly how you would do things but be good enough.

Try not to worry he is in the best place and they will care for him. You take care too and try to put your feet up sometime, or relaxing bath or cup of tea.

Thank you all 😊 I definitely needed some support!

He's had the CT, they think it's either appendicitis or kidney stones...

FIL is in awful health - high bp, gout, kidney stones, overweight and on so many tablets..

MIL is always telling DH he's 'looking well', and has always encouraged over eating of junk food, if we are all together and he says he's full, she looks shocked and hurt that her food is being rejected!!!!!

I thought all the other health scares would have been wake up calls, DH can't even run after the children 😧

Whilst I am completely sympathetic to your plight I also feel sorry for your DH. He will know that his lifestyle is a large factor in his ill health and I'm sure he is genuinely unhappy about it. This may be the wake up call he needs to get help and it really is help he needs. I hope he is ok and you all have a great Christmas. Perhaps the start of a new year will trigger some action.

Dh has a kidney stone lodged. There's a 10% chance it won't pass and he'll need surgery.

He's just got home and is understandably feeling rubbish, but has said it's 'not his fault'.

I said it was very similar to FIL (who in the past Dh has said has lifestyle diseases) so maybe it'll sink in, that it is due to the way he eats and lack of exercise

Have done none of the Christmas Eve stuff we planned, I am grateful it isn't appendicitis, and having had gallstones myself, I know that kidney stones are really painful, but I can't help feeling down, as this was all avoidable if he'd taken care of his health

Kidney stones hurt like hell! Hope he's got good painkillers.

Did the hospital say the kidney stones were caused by lifestyle? I have always thought they were unavoidable, with some unfortunate people being prone to them. Drinking sufficient water is probably essential to help flush them through, that's about the only diet change I'd think was effective?

I'm glad he's home safe. Honestly OP you need to decide in yourself what you will stand for. I'd have an open honest chat with him - would he see a councillor? I think very few of the super morbidly obese don't have underlying issues driving their eating. That's not to say you have to put up with it but just that dieting probably won't deal with it.

That is so tough. He is literally slowly killing himself in front of you.

Can you sit him down after Christmas let him know how worried you are?

I don't think kidney stones are caused by lifestyle, they are something that some people just get

I’m sorry to hear this. It must be frustrating for you.

It is extremely hard for some people to lose weight. There has to be a real motivation and willingness behind it. Food can be an addiction and it’s so hard to change, especially if he’s grown up with parents who have taught him that food = love. It’s like people who smoke and get horrible lung conditions, but keep on smoking. Yes, deep down you know it’s terrible, and you keep telling yourself you’ll change.

There is a group called Overeaters Anonymous who are great for helping those who eat emotionally or binge in secret. Also, I know they get mixed reviews on here, but Slimming World are quite man friendly and their diet is designed so you still feel full.

Hope he's OK op.

Just reading the original post and my dp has a DVT at the moment and we have discovered the spots (look like big boils and last forever) on the leg are linked to / can be a sign of DVT. We didn't realise and dp had two big ones on his inner thigh for a while before the DVT was discovered. They're healing now he is on meds.

Kidney stones are more painful than giving birth to a 9.8 lb baby with no intervention. I know I’ve had both!

So massive support on that front.
I found that drinking pure apple juice ( not the clear stuff) really helped, it apparently can dissolve the stones.
Secondly, the eating problem might need more than just a diet, perhaps some counselling might help to get to the root of the issue.
Whatever the future, I hope you can enjoy some of the family Christmas.

Being inactive and potentially dehydrated (that is not enough water) are good triggers for kidney stones. Have you ever been brutal to him OP and made it clear his lifestyle is killing him? I know you shouldn’t have to but I wonder what conversations you’ve had?

I definitely sympathise. But also with your DH. It won't all be lifestyle related - polyps aren't anyway.

Has he always been like this OP (junk food, takes no care of himself, overweight, etc)? If so, why did you marry him, since your views on these things are so radically different? I'm struggling to see how a slim, healthy, self-confessed 'foodie' ends up with a junk food scoffing guy who's very overweight. You sound completely incompatible to me.

Would he go to counselling? I think it’s not just a lifestyle thing, being very overweight myself. There tends to be some underlying issue.

I understand and would feel the same OP. Put it on hold for now for the DC sake. Make sure he takes his painkillers and after Christmas he needs to wake up and smell the proverbial coffee. Hope you can enjoy Christmas.

BTW kidney stones are not necessarily caused by weight and inaction. My very skinny BIL who walks miles daily had one.

Look at Apple cider vinegar . A couple of shots followed by water helps. It will also retrain his taste buds.

Huge sympathy OP.

Thank you Blacktea and More, I know you're right,

Hellon - I think because his father has gout and kidney stones, dh knew there is a genetic risk, so should have a low protein high fibre diet
But he eats meat every day, lunch and dinner, and looked at me like I was a crazy person when I made a mushroom risotto, he suggested nipping our to get some pre-cooked chicken to add!
The nearest he gets to fruit is apricots in Stilton cheese - I kid you not