DH in A&E, hand hold?

[skifunday]

DH is currently in A&E with abdominal pain. We don’t know what it is yet. He’s had blood tests and is going for a CT scan.

I am sympathetic to a point, I don’t want to sound like a cow, I really love him, but I’m sick of the anxiety anger stress and worry his health causes us.

He’s had a DVT, sepsis, a non-healing infected spot on his leg, investigations for colon cancer - he’s been told he has polyps, and now this. All in the last 2.5 years.

He is massively overweight and totally sedentary. He refuses to do any exercise. I convinced him to hire a personal trainer, but he went twice then cancelled sessions, he has a gym membership - doesn’t go, ever.

I’m a (size 8-10) SAHM, I cook from scratch, I make his lunch everyday but he usually ‘forgets’ it.
I cook healthy - but tasty - meals at home for us all (I’m a bit of a foodie, so it’s decent stuff!)

I find the wrappers of chocolate, crisps, supermarket sandwiches and sugary drinks in his car.

When its his turn to cook, he’ll arrive home with a takeaway.

We have 3 DCs, one a baby, I’m completely exhausted doing everything at home (he only takes out the bins).

He works long hours, and he has a stressful job, and I really appreciate him working so hard, but we can’t continue like this.

It’s Christmas bloody Eve, and I’ve just taken him to A&E, I’m now on my own with the children, snapping at them for making a mess, and stressed up to my eyeballs. I’ve made up some rubbish lie to hide this from the children!

(It’s just us at home for Christmas so I’m not stressing about Lunch tomorrow)

I know this is in AIBU, and I know I’m not BU to be this stressed and worried, but I don’t know what to do 😔 hand hold maybe?!

Mini - yes they said he was dehydrated too, and he drinks 3-4 cups of coffee a day, but won't drink water!!

MsHarry - I know I have to be jolly for the dc's sake! I will really try!

Dh is asleep on the sofa next to me, I know he's been through the mill today,

Do you think I should show him this thread after Christmas, or is it too much?
I really want him to get healthy, but I just don't know what else to do to help him!!

Well how about you get back to work quick sharp and he can drop his hours and spend more time improving his fitness?

I don't think it would be unreasonable that his refusal to deal with his health is becoming a deal breaker. Definitely a counsellor and then changes to his diet are urgently required

Jun - he used to be slim!!
He started eating for two when we had dc1, put on as much weight as me by 9 months! Then it kept going from there. He has lost a bit of weight a couple of times - one time his mother commented on how 'skinny' he was (in reality he was still about 15kg overweight)
Hadn't thought about counselling, maybe that is an option?

How old is he OP?
If he is a relatively young man ruining his health with his diet, perhaps the doctors will be a bit blunt with him and give him a wake-up call so that he changes his ways - sometimes the short sharp shock of staring mortality in the face can be very effective.

YABU and rather mean, poor bloke. I've had (and still got) kidney stones and I'm a 31 year old, size 8 woman with a healthy, varied diet. The urologist told me that diet doesn't cause the vast majority of kidney stones. Give him a break!
I hope the poor guy doesn't go and get cancer, you'll be raging at him!

It's rubbish for those around when family members are ill but kidney stones are not his fault. You married him in sickness and in health, right?
Go and give him a hug and enjoy your Xmas

I remember a post exactly like this one - have you posted about his weight before?

I hope your anger comes from a place of love and concern

More hereditary than lifestyle I think. Im slim and eat well and apparently have 2 in one kidney and one in the other. All too big to pass so hoping they stay put as they havent moved since first scan5 years ago.
Spent 6 hours in a and e last month with my slim healthy 26 year old son crying and writhing in agony and put on morphine. Scan showed 3mm stone trying to leave kidney. He drinks pints of water.

Hope they gave him strong painkillers, my son had suppositories and a ureter relaxant drug.

It was the worst thing Id ever experienced with a family member, seeing your child however old in pain was awful

Oh right, it's OP's fault for being a SAHM. Now I've heard it all. Going back to work is the answer to every problem a SAHM has, according to MN

Honestly OP, I get you. I don't know why people are so keen to point out that your DH's issues aren't necessarily related to obesity/poor diet. Fact is, he's in poor health and it massively impacts upon your family. He could do something about it and doesn't. I get your frustration.

It's not about the kidney stones is it, there have been numerous Heath episodes in 2.5 years that ARE related to his lifestyle choices.

I have a lot of sympathy for him. Stressful jobs make it very hard to stay healthy. Maybe you could swap roles for a bit?

Would he try something like Slimming World? There's lots of likeminded men there and there's lots of food he can eat that's satisfying whilst losing weight e.g. Fakeaways or burgers and chips. It can be a really great community, friendly and welcoming which is part of its success for a lot of people. Thinking of you. I was the big one in my family and my husband was worried about me. Slimming World helped me so recommending it in a non-pushy way that first group was the real catalyst for change. I wish you and DH a happy Christmas and hope he feels better and you all have a lovely day tomorrow xx

It's good to see balanced views, I really do appreciate it!

Baby is 5 months old and breastfed, yes I will go back to work but I think 5 months is too young..
Plus being at home means I can cook him healthy meals, but he rejects them, or covers them in sauces before even tasting them!

We live in a small village, and he's said in the past that he wouldn't do a slimming world type thing, as it would be all women and he would know them
I know he's in a lot of pain and I promise I really do sympathise, we've been together forever and of course I love him, I've tried everything to get him to he healthy! I'm at my wits end, and really scared there will be more health issues as time goes on

We are early 40's, and he sets such a bad example to the DCs, I make them eat veg, he gives them biscuits

Re the kidney stones - given his dads medical history - this was kind of inevitable 😳 and I've been saying for years that he needs to eat appropriately for this risk

I know it's in sickness and health, but what do I do when he is doing the polar opposite of 'healthy'?

Hugs to you .Hold on tight in the present circumstances. you should also tell your dear hubby once is well that he needs to be a responsible parent .It doesn't only comes with only earning .If something happens to him the whole family would suffer .Please take care yourself as nothing can be done at this moment .You need to just wait and see whats ahead .Also if you have friends and family around just inform them they would be a very strong pillar of support to you .and last it's not unreasonable for anyone to be stressed in such a situation

How overweight is he - in terms of weight and height? Men seem to lose weight and show the loss more easily. My DH can lose a stone and look completely different in terms of his shape and even then could probably lose another stone but he's 6ft 1 and broad and can carry a bit of weight.

Do you know what his BMI is OP.
If it's over 40 or 35and he has high bp, sleep Apnea, heart problems, serious joint issues or diabetes.
If he falls into one of these category's he will be entitled to go on the NHS Bariatric programme which is 6 months of diet and psychological help, followed by surgery (not bands NHS don't do that anymore) but Gastric bypass or gastric sleeve surgery. This is the only weight loss system that has been scientifically evaluated to provide success for long term sustainable weight loss. It's absolutely vilified on MN as 'the easy option' , by people who don't know what they are talking about.

My sister went through the programme last year. She has struggled with weight issues a long time. It's changed her life beyond recognition . She had been active and slim her whole life until 47. A nasty illness left her a sedentary, overweight, depressed blob. By the time she had surgery she was 23 stone at 5'6". Had no motivation and was on statins, blood pressure pills and suffering horrendous arthritis pain.
She is now 10stone 6. It took just under a year. She lost 4 stone in the first 4 months. Skin is a bit saggy but not baggy. Her arthritis is gone. She takes no pills. She did couch to 5k three months in and is now a regular 10k runner.
Best of all she is no longer constantly ill like your DH Op. she is fit, well and happy.
He probably feels like the Hill is too hard or impossible to climb. Get him to the GP and ask for this specific help. Not just , I'm miserable because I'm fat - or they will send him to a dietitian. Which is useless.
More info look at imperial college research into obesity and google Dr Rachel Batterham at UCL and her documentary on Bariatric rationing on the NHS. Good luck, the worst he can do is nothing.
Pm if you. Want more info.

Nhs also cover WW or SW classes. There are loads of blokes that do it but don't always stay for session. The ones that do get a great fan following with the ladies! He might not like it but the community and the food options are great - Google Oinch of Nom.