DH, kids and food

[ImMissHannigan]

Background: I'm at my wits end trying to feed my family. Eldest DD will and does eat most things. Middle DD changes what she will and won't eat every week. DH is intolerable. Will only eat dry food (no sauces, stews, casseroles etc). Won't eat any veggies at all (like a small child if a veggie touches his plate!). Doesn't like pasta. DSS will only eat pizza, chicken nuggets or super noodles. Or a Morrison's salad bar of tuna pasta. Can't make it, has to be in a plastic container. Baby is quite good but turns her nose up at veggies like her dad. So there are 6 of us and I have to go to the supermarket every day after pulling teeth to get an idea of what they will eat. Most days it is 2 meals. Sometimes 3 or even 4 different meals. It's time consuming and expensive to boot.
Anyway on to my AIBU. A few days ago I sat them all down and asked for ten meals they would eat and ten they would consider trying. Didn't get much but got enough to plan the meals for the next week. I didn't fancy battling through the supermarkets in the Christmas rush every day. Yesterday I was ill with food poisoning and in bed. OH comes in and says he has made a pizza for DSS. This was for Boxing Day and not just a standard pizza. It's a super large family pizza. Meant to feed the whole family, not just one child. And now leaves me a meal short and a trip to the shops. Again! Anyway I told him it was a meal for later in the week and he sent me a nasty text and then went out and replaced the pizza. All good and should end there, you would think. But no. He has declared now that he will buy and cook all his own food from now on. That he won't touch a thing that I have bought for Christmas and will take care of him and DSS meals. But all in a very PA way. Saying that I was out of order for him wanting to feed his son. I should also say that when I asked what they wanted from the supermarket I got everything he wanted and DSS was meant to be at home with his mum for tea yesterday so didn't plan for him. However his regular chicken super noodles (I hate these things and wouldn't have my kids eat them so regularly but it's OH choice) were in the cupboard as were chicken nuggets in the freezer. So why take a large 18" family pizza for one child. So now he thinks I'm the bad bastard for not letting him feed his son and is ruining Christmas with his frankly childish stance. AIBU? Should I just let him get on with his crisp butties for tea (at least 3 times a week!) and concentrate on feeding the rest of us healthy meals.

That does sound very difficult. Your plan still is a good one though. Otherwise absolutely tell your husband to crack on and cook for himself and your son.

Appalling that you are in this position. Let your H shop and cook for himself. Do not go shopping today - he can do it. Cook whatever you want for you and your DDs - perhaps something where the veg is disguised so the baby will eat it. If middle DD won't touch it then she can make herself a sandwich if she is old enough. Do not allow yourself to think for a moment that you are inadequate in any way. Your H is behaving very badly indeed - he is behaving like a recalcitrant teenager. Sounds as though it is impossible to reason with him and if you can't do it face to face then write it down. Be factual and civil, however hard it is. Be strong. I really feel for you.

Fuck that. Your DH has an awful diet but so does your DSS.

I have had similar issues, I have two DC's and my DP has two DC's. My DD1 won't eat red meat or potatoes (she has never eaten potatoes, she hates the texture), DSD1 wont' eat anything homemade. Literally lived on pizza, chicken nuggets and chips. DSD2 was a relatively good eater but wouldn't eat onions and if I cooked with them in would painstakingly pick all the bits out. DD2 is the best eater out of them all and eats anything. Dp and I are also great eaters.

So cooking a meal for them all was such a nightmare and I got fucking sick of pandering to everyone. In the end I did as you did, asked them all to write down what they would eat and did a plan around that. On the basis that we only had his DSD's 8 nights a month it was ok to have pizza etc but it drove me insane.

I have no idea what the solution is but I really feel your pain. Cooking for your family and having half of them whine about it is bad enough but if my dp ever moaned about what I'd cooked I'd tell him to fuck right off.

When it comes to the dc I know it's hard. Its easy to say cook what you like and the kids can take it or leave it, they won't starve but hard to live with in reality ime. I think your compromise is a good idea and has the potential to work. Your dh however is an arse and i would definitely take him at his word. He will soon get fed up with shopping for and cooking his own meals but it might teach him a lesson and help him realise what a headache meal planning can be.

@tendergreenbean I completely agree with everything you say there. Super noodles are not a healthy meal and all humans need vegetables in some form. When I refer to crisp sandwiches I should also mention he will change this up with fish finger butties. He is quite overweight and has a poor diet. I can see the effects of his parents indulging his eating habits as a child and the cycle repeating with his son. On one occasion at his grandmas (OHs mum) my DSS had super noodles for 3 meals. And sweets in between. In 4 years I have never seen him eat a vegetable and only once a banana. Literally once. He suffers badly with constipation, is on daily medication and under a consultant. I wish I could tell this consultant what his diet really is. Would solve the problems straight away. But the parents and grandparents won't "force" him to eat anything healthy. And yes he sees his dad do it so it's okay. Eldest DD just loves food so is easy enough. Middle daughter is more carb averse. So doesn't like potatoes or chips but will eat the rest of the meal. I can see the baby (18mths) starting down the same route and I just won't let it happen. They can carry on and i just have to let it not be my problem. It will be nice to make family meals again.

DH is intolerable

Indeed.

Do not back down. Let him cook his own shit and concentrate on you and the DC. I agree with PP - this is a fabulous Christmas gift. I would turn the PA back on him and be all grateful and say it's soooo thoughtful of him and you really appreciate it.

But in all honesty, how do you stand it?

Just make one meal every meal time and let people eat it or not, surely?

Oh gosh. I can see how frustrating this can be. Your DH needs to grow up for starters.

I like the suggestion upthread of just serving up a meal. Put it all out on the table and let each person serve themselves. Ignore any grumbling .

You are not a restaurant and it will drive you crazy trying to please everyone.

Good luck OP. Hope you crack this.

I couldn’t be with someone like this - does he have any non-bratty man child qualities?!

Give him what everyone else will eat, you included. If he doesn’t want it then he can make his own food.

I don’t get why you’d get him to take it back though... just let whoever wants some have some pizza when DSS has enough on his plate. And if he wants to sort his food out let him. Surely that’s a good thing?

i once watched my friend make her family a meal, her husband, me and my daughter started to eat, her daughter said she didnt want it and wanted xyz, my friend got up and made xyz and came back and started to eat... her daughter then started to cry and said she wanted abc now not xyz..... my friend got up and made her abc.................... SERIOUSLY!
with my family the rules are i make ONE meal, they have to eat at least half a portion of it or they dont get anything else later on... i expect a proper attempt at eating ( if its something they are not fond of)

Jesus wept! I make my kids make their own if they're being fussy, and that includes DS who is 9 with ASD. He didn't like what was served up for breakfast today, so he made his own toast, poured out his cereal and milk, boiled kettle for his tea. I'm not running a fucking restaurant.

Ugh, I couldn't cope with a H who was so limited in his diet, it would be an absolute deal breaker for me. Assuming there isn't a genuine reason for it but just a fussy thing.
Do you find it embarrassing when you eat out or go to friends for food?

@immisshannigan then he's given you the best Christmas present of all, as PP's have said!
Enjoy cooking lovely healthy meals and sod everyone else. You can't force them all to eat what you've cooked, but you can have the satisfaction of knowing you've done a good job.
You sound great and like you've got things under control. DH however...

Perfect! Well played OP... ;)

I would continue to cook for DSS as well as your kids so he doesn't feel that he's treated differently, but definitely let your OH do his own from now on. If he regrets it and tries to back out, you could offer him some of what you're having if you're feeling nice. But no more cooking separate meals for him.

And I agree with you - that if there's a huge pizza in the fridge, you'd check with whoever had done the meal planning over xmas before you used it.

If they're doing nothing about DSS they're all contributing to his neglect. He has constipation fgs! If I went a day as a child refusing veg or fruit my mother would have told me "you'll be constipated!". Does no one tell this boy this? Talk about a massive elephant in the room. Your DH needs telling too - by you. He's contributing to serious health issues.

Tell him or tell him and DSS to eat at different times you to and your kids so they don't see it. Of course, I'd say if you resort to that it's the beginning of the end of the relationship.

The least your DH should have done is snapped the pizza into quarters and just given his DS a quarter. Common sense, no?

I'd let him crack on, he being an arse

Tell him Thank you it's a wonderful idea.

And let him do it.

I give him 2 days max

Let him crack on for a week or so.

You make food for yourself and your DDs.

If anyone doesn't like it, fine, they don't have to eat it. They can have an apple, if they are still hungry. This doesn't have to be a battle - the rules are there, but you can't force a child to eat and nor should you. SEN aside, most children will magically eat most of their meal if they know the only alternative is an apple.

Any tantrums or spoilt behaviour at the table results in them being sent away though. If they don't like it they can leave it, but any silliness, pretend sick noises, complaining about the food etc is rude behaviour and there is no excuse for it.

Though it sounds like DH is the source of most of the bratty behaviour over food here!

I do 90% of the cooking. I make one dish a night (unless it's spicy then I'll do a non spicy version as well). It'll be healthy, full of veggies and protein. If DS (6) and DW don't like it then tough.

You have my sympathy, OP.

We are lucky in that our DC (aged 6 and 9) have had compulsory school dinners since the age of 2 and that has introduced them to a huge range of foods, which they've been obliged to eat. It also means that they eat their main weekday meal at school so dinners can be quick and light.

Would school dinners be an option for any of your 4?

I’m with the majority, let him crack on. He will either give in after a few days and eat what he’s given or carry on. Win win 😄