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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a special snowflake?

46 replies

Mamabird3 · 23/12/2017 21:55

This is my first aibu so go easy 😂
Every Xmas we go to my in laws somewhere in the days before Xmas. My mil visits on Xmas morning before she goes to see her family, and we spend Boxing Day with my family. This leaves Xmas day to do things with just dh and dc, presents, dinner, fun etc. This year my mum has decided that we are all to go to hers for Xmas day for dinner etc. I don’t want to go, as I love spending time with dh and dc at home with no pressure to go anywhere or do anything except spend time together. Dh works away a lot and we have had a really awful time recently as well as the fact that this is the first Xmas I have had off in 4 years (nhs). I want to go and spend time with my mum dad siblings and family etc but I don’t see why this can’t be on another day, when I’ve raised this my dm says its because my sil (and brother and niece) is spending the other days with her family and Boxing Day my df can’t drink as he has work the next day.
I don’t know what to do as I know if we decide not to go on Xmas day I’m going to have to deal with my dm being passive aggressive about it for weeks.
Sorry this is long and rambling! Just would like to know what others would do in this situation!

OP posts:
mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 23/12/2017 22:00

Do what you planned. It's your tradition. I spent years having Christmas Day ruined by my abusive parents behaviour and I don't now. We don't see them. Say no.

lljkk · 23/12/2017 22:00

It's too confusing.

So your mom asked you to swap your usual Boxing Day visit with her, to be on Xmas day instead. You don't like that b/c you want Xmas to be only you & your DH & your DC. Part of why is that Other Xmas days you always worked while your DH spent time with the kids.

Is that right?

coconutnut · 23/12/2017 22:02

No one gets to decide for ME what I want to do!
Or for US what me and my family want to do.

Tabby

Chienrouge · 23/12/2017 22:04

She can’t just ‘decide’ what you’re doing, she can invite you and you can decide whether to accept or decline.

Original poster
Mamabird3 · 23/12/2017 22:05

Lljkk yes sorry it is quite poorly written isn’t it! Usually we visit dm on Boxing Day with the rest of my extended family, my dm wants this changing as she says it’s the only day we can all be there together —it isn’t— and for drinking purposes. I haven’t had a Xmas day off in 4 years due to working for the nhs as a nurse but managed to get annual leave this yeast. Dh have had an awful few months and I just want to make this Xmas really good while we are getting back onto an even keel iyswim.
—Plus dms cooking is awful and I want to eat my yummy dinner 😂—

OP posts:
Seymourcrelborne · 23/12/2017 22:07

Stay at home!! Enjoy your family, that’s all that matters x

Bobbinsandthread · 23/12/2017 22:10

I like being home with DD on xmas day so she gets to play with her toys and relax.

KarmaStar · 23/12/2017 22:15

Stick to your plans,the children will be happier continuing your tradition of being home together and the first proper one in four years?stand firm and have a fantastic Christmas

BewareOfDragons · 23/12/2017 22:15

Just say no, that doesn't work for you this year. But thank you for the invite. You'll see her on Boxing Day if she still wants you all to come by.

Don't engage beyond that.

DeepanKrispanEven · 23/12/2017 22:19

If you can manage for everyone to be together on another day over the Christmas period, tell her that is the only way it is going to happen.

If she's going to spend weeks being passive aggressive, just avoid her for weeks. Or confront her on it every time she does it and make it clear you aren't going to accept it.

MsHippo · 23/12/2017 22:21

Your DF can't drink because herb has work the next day? How much was he planning to drink!?

Skowvegas · 23/12/2017 22:21

Boxing Day my df can’t drink as he has work the next day

WTF? You can't visit on Boxing Day because your father wouldn't be able to drink?

Just visit on Boxing Day if that suits you.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 23/12/2017 22:22

Just say no thank you

FlashTheSloth · 23/12/2017 22:23

She doesn't get to just decide for everyone. Just tell her it doesn't work for you and you will see her on BD as usual. Tough if she gets shitty about it after, afoid and ignore her until she has stopped acting like a child who didn't get their own way.

Ropsleybunny · 23/12/2017 22:24

Do what you’ve planned, don’t let someone manipulate you by being passive aggressive.

whyayepetal · 23/12/2017 22:24

what beware said seems perfect to me.

SingingBabooshkaBadly · 23/12/2017 22:24

I may be missing something OP but why does DF not being able to drink prevent you visiting on Boxing Day as usual? Surely he can enjoy a visit from his family whilst sober?

Sounds like you and DH want/need this time at home with DC and you shouldn't be pressured into changing your plans. I do understand it's hard sometimes to say no.

Really hope you enjoy your rare work-free Christmas Day OP! Xmas Smile

SpareASquare · 23/12/2017 22:25

As a one-off, I would go.
You've said that you spend every Christmas day at home with your DH and DC spending time together, having fun etc. Considering this, I wouldn't have a problem changing plans for one year (and I, too, spend it at home every year)

Actually, we did go to my brothers about 4 years ago because he asked if we could spend the day together rather than our usual boxing day. His plans were diff that year with his wifes family.

So, for me, it wouldn't be an issue to change plans as a one-off for my family.

Ellendegeneres · 23/12/2017 22:27

Does she realise Christmas is Monday!? So you've got all your food in, are settled and not budging? If it were my mum I'd be laughing and saying yeah no mum, I'll be sticking to Christmas at home with my lot, see you on the 26th as usual

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/12/2017 22:32

What is so awful about her passive aggressiveness that would cause you to even consider spoiling your best Christmas in 4 years?

Why does DF not drinking on Boxing Day matter? Are you such a nightmare he can only be near you after a few stiff drinks?

Traffig · 23/12/2017 22:36

Do what you want to do OP, and don't be guilt tripped.
Enjoy your day, you deserve it to be just as you want it to be Flowers

OnTheRise · 23/12/2017 22:38

You're not obliged to do what your DM wants you to do.

If you'd already made plans and your DM is now trying to change them, you are allowed to tell her no.

Have the Christmas you want. If your family are nice they'll understand and if they don't, then that's their problem.

HolyShet · 23/12/2017 22:45

Boxing Day my df can’t drink as he has work the next day.

And that means you can't visit????

Sorry mum, its my first xmas off for 4 years. I want to not have to get up and go anywhere. I will see you on boxing day, it doesn't need to be a boozy do.

HolyShet · 23/12/2017 22:47

Is it because she'd like to have you and your brother there at the same time? I kind of get it if so. Her wanting you to be there I mean. But I don't think you should feel like you should have to go. Stay home. See them 24 hours later.

Maryann1975 · 23/12/2017 23:06

My dm has had a strop this year as I’ve said we are staying at home, she is invited (and has decided to come) but she has been really grumpy about it. I wanted to be at home, let the kids open their presents and not have to pick one to take to my parents for the day.

I do think you/your mum have left this quite late to be deciding where to spend Christmas- we had this rowdiscussion a couple of months ago. I also think it’s sad that drinking is forming the basis of when your parents can host (unless I’ve misunderstood). Your mum only wants to host when your dad can have a drink! What’s that all about? They either want to see you over Christmas or they don’t. They are writing off two days and he is only working for one of them.

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