Am I being a special snowflake?

[Mamabird3]

This is my first aibu so go easy 😂
Every Xmas we go to my in laws somewhere in the days before Xmas. My mil visits on Xmas morning before she goes to see her family, and we spend Boxing Day with my family. This leaves Xmas day to do things with just dh and dc, presents, dinner, fun etc. This year my mum has decided that we are all to go to hers for Xmas day for dinner etc. I don’t want to go, as I love spending time with dh and dc at home with no pressure to go anywhere or do anything except spend time together. Dh works away a lot and we have had a really awful time recently as well as the fact that this is the first Xmas I have had off in 4 years (nhs). I want to go and spend time with my mum dad siblings and family etc but I don’t see why this can’t be on another day, when I’ve raised this my dm says its because my sil (and brother and niece) is spending the other days with her family and Boxing Day my df can’t drink as he has work the next day.
I don’t know what to do as I know if we decide not to go on Xmas day I’m going to have to deal with my dm being passive aggressive about it for weeks.
Sorry this is long and rambling! Just would like to know what others would do in this situation!

Your fathers need to drink to the point where he isn’t fit for work the next day does NOT trump your need for a Christmas Day in your own home, the first in 4 years.

Just say no. If she gets mardy just tell her that. If she carries on tell her you are not putting up with this crap and won’t go at all next year.

Stay at home, your family time is precious.
Your DM is entitled to change her plans, but she has no right to demand that you change yours.
Do your own thing.

I can’t believe you have left it so late to make these arrangements.
That aside, I think that if it’s only the case of swapping the days around for the sake of family I’d do it.

This leaves Xmas day to do things with just dh and dc, presents, dinner, fun etc.

The first time in 4 years you get chance to have this lovely day?
Take it, stay at home with your family and enjoy every minute

Do whats most important for you and your DH and children. They matter most. I'm having my first Christmas off in years too (also NHS) and I'm damned if I'm doing anything other than what I want to do with that time!

"This year my mum has decided that we are all to go to hers for Xmas day"
No. Not her decision to make.

And frankly, her 'reasons', such as they were, are total codswallop. So your father can drink? So your brother can do what he wants when he wants? Bollocks to that.

And as for your mother being passive-aggressive for weeks if you stick to your guns - treat it as an opportunity to teach her being PA doesn't get her anywhere. Every time she gets PA on the phone, hang up. Face-to-face, walk out. Expect her to do it, and have your response to it (withdrawing from her) ready and waiting to go. Don't have her round to yours (it's hard to throw someone out of your house) but meet her at her house, where you can get up and leave, or on neutral territory like a cafe, where, again, you can just up and go. If you can't arrange transport to make your exit in (e.g. if you don't drive) then just don't meet her. Treat her like a toddler - firm and consistent, and never giving in to tantrums.

Thank you for all your replies. I realise it’s been left late but dm has been changing her mind about it based on my brother and his family. My step dad is a hgv driver so won’t have any alcohol at all if he’s to work the next day. I just don’t want to deal with the fall out of wanting to stay home as it will be me “who has ruined Christmas”. I can see her point that she wants everyone together for a day but honestly I’m just so desperate for a good Christmas with my dh and dc’s. I just don’t know if it’s worth going along with what she wants to keep the peace. I guess it’s the leftovers from a pretty poor childhood and not knowing how to stick up for myself and not wanting to cause anyone any upset at all.

No, OP, no! Your first Christmas Day off in 4 years should be strictly at home. You’ve invited your mum, what more does she bloody want?

What will the fallout be like?

Maryann1975. - I wanted to be at home, let the kids open their presents and not have to pick one to take to my parents for the day.

Oh, dear! At first I read that as having to pick one of your DC's to take to your parents! . Clearly time I was in bed...

You were up for the usual plans. They've changed things, not you. SIL's plans do not trump yours and require you to change.
Can they visit you on Xmas Day evening?

I don't understand why your df not drinking stops you from going on Boxing Day.

Ummm...isn’t it a bit late to announce you’re all not coming? I mean, couldn’t you have stuck to your guns the moment she suggested it and explained clearly that your plan was to celebrate at your home?

Surely she didn’t announce this new plan a scant few days before Christmas Day? Even if it was cheeky of her to try and pressure or guilt you into it, she’s now gone and bought food/drinks, decorations & has set the table? If you let her believe you’d all be participating, then you’d be just as wrong to pull out now.

YANBU to want your peaceful Christmas Day at yours, but YABU to pull out last minute, for mine.

OP do what suits you, I've always gone to my parents for Christmas lunch because that's what suits us and that's what we want to do, no pressure -and my mum makes the best Christmas lunch ever. However my DFiL passed away 5 years ago and DH and I had DMiL for Christmas lunch for the 4 years before she sadly passed away, I loved her to bits, she was the most fabulous MiL that anyone could ever dream if. My only bug bear is that DMiL had my BiL and SiL and DGd and GGD, they would have a family Christmas and it invite her? I never got my head around this, why would you not invite the matriarch of your family. DMiL would often spend Christmas Day with me, my children (her son's step-kid ands my parents, brother). As I say I loved her to bits (she passed away 18 months ago) but I really can't understand why she never had an invite from the other side of the family for Christmas? At least I have the knowledge that she had a lovely time. So at the end of my rambling DO do what suits you (my hubby is NHS worker too and often works Christmas )

You are a grown woman with children of her own. Your mother doesn't get to tell you what to do anymore. So you break your family tradition just because it's convenient for her. No, I would be saying It won't work for your family and if ahe gets pa with you then oh well tough.

Surely at this late stage you have already got your food in and made preparations for Christmas at home? Just tell her 'no'. The plans have been made and you are not going to change them.

Stand your ground and stay home. Tell do sorry but everything is planned. And maybe next year you will go to hers Xmas day.

Honestly I'd just say no it's too late to change plans

When did she decide this? It's a bit late to be deciding this, isn't it?

Why can't you do the DH/dc and you together on Boxing Day ?

Tell her no your an adult it’s your decision to spend Christmas how you want. If she doesn’t like it tough.

We neve go to family on Christmas Day. I stay at home with my hubby and kids. Mil normally visits but I always see my mum and step dad in Boxing Day. Next year they might stay Christmas Eve to watch the kids open there Santa presents if they want to and our new house is big enough.