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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm never going to hear the end of this

56 replies

Happyhippy45 · 23/12/2017 18:29

I am right to be annoyed at him aren't I?
Back story. I recently became quite disabled. (Mobility issues mostly.)
Dh has been working hard keeping our business going and ferrying me to dr appointments and what not. Stressful time for both of us.
Money is tight and there was talk (from him) of not doing Christmas as he didn't think we could afford to. We don't do extravagant. Never have.
He then started to speak about an item he really wants for Christmas that costs about £350. Which is more than the total I spend on presents for the family.. We had "words" about it. When he realised him saying we couldn't afford Christmas meant for him too, he back tracked and said we could still host but get folks to bring something.
He also suggested pushed me to askI ask (my) family to give him money towards the item he wants. I said no. It sounds really cheeky, especially as we're not giving great presents this year. He said he was fed up getting stuff he didn't want or need and would like money so he can save up for his item. I said maybe I'd suggest a gift voucher for the shop if they were stuck for ideas. No one asked for advice on what to get him this year.
He's now being a huffy shite and going on and on about why I didn't ask family. Even saying I did it out of spite.
He also says he's going to keep going on about it as punishment.
The item he wants is for a hobby of his.
He's on holiday for the next 2 weeks and I don't think we'll both survive it!
What can I do to get him to shut up about it and stop acting like a spoilt child?

OP posts:

StatelessPrincess · 23/12/2017 19:16

Capelin Because they aren't buying any presents for the parents.
Tell him to shut the fuck up OP. Hope you get your bungalow.

StatelessPrincess · 23/12/2017 19:19

sorry, misread great as any

LouHotel · 23/12/2017 19:24

I think that it sounds like your husband is working full time and having to be a carer on top of that which is an incrediably stressful situation and as this thread shows goes unappreciated alot of the time.

Calls for LTB show no understanding of the life change going on.

This is no way is suppose to diminish the changes to you personally but it wouldnt have beem hard to ask family and friends to get gift vouchers for the shop.

Shame on posters calling this man a twat/dick.

PoorYorick · 23/12/2017 19:30

I feel for both of you, OP. You for obvious reasons, your husband because caring is also a very hard job, and both of you because of the completely understandable strain you're both under.

I don't think it's fair to minimise the impact this has on either one of you. You're both in a very difficult situation, to say the least. I guess the question is, do you want to do it together?

Osolea · 23/12/2017 19:41

Agree with LouHotel, and actually feel quite sorry for him. It does sound like he's being a bit childish, but no one acts their best when they're under a lot of stress and it sounds like most of the time he's brilliant if he's keeping your business going alone as well as being your carer and catering for your family for Christmas. If you're going to leave him you should do it soon, he doesn't deserve to be used.

cordeliavorkosigan · 23/12/2017 19:42

It really sounds like Christmas aside, you're going to need to drop the "stiff upper lip" thing and be more open with family and friends - if I were in their shoes I'd want to know, and I'd want to help! But they can't help or support you through all this if they don't know what you're going through.

froshiechipandbrickie · 23/12/2017 19:44

we are not a family who asks for money

I am honest,y not trying to be snippy, but maybe you are nowadays.

we all do the stiff upper lip thing and minimise how tough things are.

Maybe that’s not the way to do things in this situation. I don’t think I could deal with that on top of DH becoming disabled / having a progressive illness.
But then again, I’m a ‘foreigner’ and I personally simply don’t get the appeal of sticking it through with a stiff upper lip in a situation like this.

But this obviously doesn’t mean that your DH’s behaviour is justified. He really shouldn’t deliberately annoy or ‘punish’ you, that’s really mean-spirited.

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 23/12/2017 19:53

LouHotel he was a dick before I became disabled😂
He not my carer. His workload has increased as he has to make his own dinner and do his own laundry and clean the house........all things he'd need to do if he was on his own. He does run the business without my help but he's reduced the workload accordingly.
I could do with some help with personal care and making my meals but he's too busy for that....and I wouldn't ask because it's grudged.

OP posts:

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 23/12/2017 19:58

I've only very recently told my family the severity of my illness. I'm having to learn how to accept help.

OP posts:

Foodylicious · 23/12/2017 20:06

Have you looked into if you can get funded carers for personal cares etc?

BatShite · 23/12/2017 20:20

No way would I randomly be asking my family for money towards a new toy for DH. IF they asked what he wanted I would mention it and vouchers but to just ask them outright for cash/vouchers is cheeky as fuck!

MotherofaSurvivor · 23/12/2017 21:22

Have you applied for PIP OP? You could get quite a substantial amount. This would pay for your added costs of Mobility and in lieu of your Care needs, enabling you to pay for a Carer. You can even exchange your Mobility payments for a car with the Motability scheme. If you haven't already got it/applied, I would seriously consider it x

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 23/12/2017 21:23

foody waiting to hear back from PIP. If I get awarded a higher amount I'll get in touch with social work again.

BatShite I feel the same way but dh says he doesn't see anything wrong in asking them. I don't think he would ask his family for money though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 23/12/2017 21:26

mother I'm on the standard rate for personal care at present because of my condition. I'm hoping I'll get mobility and the higher rate (just went through another health assessment because of my deteriorating condition.) It'd help a lot. It'd take pressure off of both of us.......

OP posts:

NavyGold · 23/12/2017 21:29

I'm struggling to understand the notion of how difficulty to cope with your spouse becoming disabled is any correlation to behaving like a dick about a £350 Christmas present!
If he wants it that badly, why not ask his family himself? Why is that the OPs responsibility?

laudanum · 23/12/2017 21:35

What is he, five years old or something? Christ what a 🔔🔚.

KarmaStar · 23/12/2017 21:37

Hi OP
Is this behaviour part of a pattern or out of the blue?
Either way,it is totally unacceptable,especially when you have your mobility problems to contend with and the adjustments you have to make every day .
Offering to suggest tokens for the store if asked was a good idea and just unfortunate that nobody did.
I asked if this was a one off as I was wondering if he has trouble accepting the changes your disability has brought and has bottled it up but he won't talk about it and the feelings are coming out over this?
You should put yourself first.
Figure out what you want and what is best for you.

MillennialFalcon · 23/12/2017 21:37

I can't believe he didn't want to celebrate Christmas until he realised that would mean him not getting a present either and is now sulking that he won't get a shiny expensive new toy! He sounds so selfish. I understand that this is a stressful time but what you are going through should have reminded him of what really matters, spending time with loved ones not material possessions! And this talk of punishing you by ruining Christmas by going on about it is disgraceful. It would be out of order if a child was behaving this way about not getting the present they want, let alone a grown man! You deserve more respect and support.

BewareOfDragons · 23/12/2017 21:55

If it was a reasonable request at ANY level, he would have asked his own extended family to get it for him or give him money towards it. But he didn't, did he? No, he wanted you to be the rude one asking for expensive things from your family.

He sounds like an bratty, entitled child. Tell him to do one.

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 23/12/2017 22:02

karma he's definitely struggling to deal with the changes (in) my disability is bringing. I've had a disability for a few years and I've not been able to work because of it. My disability has gotten much worse and means I can't do the things I could a few months ago.
He won't talk about the emotional side of things...just the practical stuff.

OP posts:

CheshireChat · 24/12/2017 00:49

OP Is there any counseling in your area? Just for yourself or maybe even something like Relate.

What happens if you try and discuss it with him?

AnneBiscuit · 24/12/2017 10:08

OP has he asked his family for money instead of presents as you only mention your family?

cansu · 24/12/2017 10:16

He is being a baby. However I would deal with him thus:

Tell him you would love him to be able to have the item but unfortunately as he knows you just cant afford it.
He left it too late to ask for money towards it from relatives and in all honesty most people just accept what they are given from extended family who in most families do token gifts for the adults.
Moaning about it is childish and is going to spoil Christmas for everyone.

Then completely ignore him every time he mentions it. Maybe have a stock comment to say and appear totally bored every time it is mentioned.

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 24/12/2017 12:40

He didn't ask his family as most of them live overseas and we stopped exchanging gifts a few years ago. His family that we see give him a small amount of cash every year. They have never done presents.

OP posts:

CheeseyToast · 25/12/2017 03:10

Happy he's a tool, isn't he. If you feel it's time to move on, I'd encourage you every step of the way. Life is short and precious, don't waste it on this no hoper.

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