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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to invite ex-DH for Christmas

35 replies

purpleangel17 · 23/12/2017 14:56

Ex-DH is ex-DH because he was emotionally and financially controlling. We have been separated nearly 4 years now, neither of us has a new partner.

Although we agreed years ago to alternate Christmases, he has yet to have them on Christmas Day because he always says he can't afford a tree, a special meal etc. He doesn't make a lot of effort when they stay with him anyway - they usually end up video calling me because they are bored downstairs while he plays on his computer upstairs.

'I can't afford it' is his constant refrain and has been for the 14 years I have known him. I obviously don't know the ins and outs of his financial life but he has a decent job and pays less maintenance than the CMS calculator says so he is not on the poverty line.

So as agreed I dropped the girls off with him this morning and he will bring them back tomorrow afternoon before my parents arrive to spend Christmas with us. This morning he was taking pains to tell me in front of the girls that he has no food in after tomorrow and no money till he gets paid next Friday.

I don't believe him so I just ignored it and said bye. He has been dropping hints about being invited for Christmas but I am just not doing it. He would control the whole day and we would all be miserable. He also hates my parents and they him.

So, AIBU given that he will be alone on Christmas? (His parents gave up inviting him last year as he always refuses to go.)

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 23/12/2017 14:58

tough titties...

he can use the money he has been stealing from his children.... as in not paying to support them as much as the bloody minimum he should

Pou · 23/12/2017 15:02

Leave him to it, he’s just trying to pull at your heart strings. Don’t forget there’s a reason he’s your ex!

He’s trying his luck big time.

Bambamber · 23/12/2017 15:05

YANBU

He's not your problem. Christmas is the same time every year, plenty of time to get himself sorted

Fortheloveofdog · 23/12/2017 15:06

Don’t do it... it’s making him happy at the expense of your happiness. My ex used to pull stunts like this. Thankfully ds is an adult so I don’t really have to deal with ex any more.

Clutterbugsmum · 23/12/2017 15:06

So is he expecting to stay at yours for the week then.

Allthebestnamesareused · 23/12/2017 15:07

He has his own parents. They can deal with him!

He is an ex for a reason as you say and your parents don't like him.

Leave him to his pity party - I bet he'll suddenly find somewhere else to go or some cash!

Howsthings1234 · 23/12/2017 15:08

Just ignore it. Not your problem. Not your responsibility. Focus on creating a magical and fun filled day for your children - something he clearly has no desire to do!!

letsdolunch321 · 23/12/2017 15:12

I agree with others, he is an ex for a reason. Christmas falls on the same day every year. Let him sort himself out.

Almahart · 23/12/2017 15:13

Don't invite him!!!

LucyLogan · 23/12/2017 15:18

Do not invite him. Have a lovely time with your lovely children and don't give the sod a second thought.

I might have some sort of phone related problem that meant I couldn't be guilt tripped on Christmas Eve and Day too, if I were you.

I hope you have a lovely day.

sarahjconnor · 23/12/2017 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 23/12/2017 15:33

Why would you invite him? He is an adult and as such he is perfectly capable of cooking a roast and putting a cheat tree up.

By inviting him you are enabling him to be pathetic. Let him stew.

Lindy2 · 23/12/2017 15:36

He's your ex. The ex bit means where he spends Christmas, what he eats etc is no longer anything to do with you.
Carry on with your original plans and enjoy your Christmas.

dertyyuoih2 · 23/12/2017 15:38

Co-op do a £10 roast dinner, turkey and trimmings.

If you had an amicable relationship or your DC were asking for him to come over and you all got on well, i would say invite him. But you don’t do enjoy it with your DC.

I’m spending xmas dinner with the inlaws, my DSS, DC, DH and DSS Mum and boyfriend. We’ve got an amicable relationship and know that we have to get on as we have shared interests in the children. This is a recent thing really but still we like each other enough for it to be okay ( gin is my friend 🙈😂)

user1493413286 · 23/12/2017 15:39

It sounds like it’d ruin all of your day. He’s an adult and can sort himself out

Ellie56 · 23/12/2017 15:42

YANBU but you know that really.In your opening line you say Ex DH is emotionally and financially controlling. This is just more of the same.

Anybody who is abusive and controlling deserves to be on their own at Christmas, then they can't make other people miserable.Just carry on ignoring him. He is a twat.

lilybetsy · 23/12/2017 15:42

Def don’t invite him. I am spending Christmas Day on my own as I would rather spend the rest of my life on my own than spend a day with my ExH ... don’t inflict him on your parents,! He’s NOT your responsibility

MagicFajita · 23/12/2017 15:43

The reason people like this always land on their feet is because someone gives in when they emotionally blackmail, whine and complain.

Ignore him op , he's not your problem.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/12/2017 15:44

Definitely don’t invite him. He’s a grown up, he needs to sort this stuff out. Insist on all the maintenance you’re entitled to.

JackietheBackie · 23/12/2017 15:47

He is manipulating you and your children. He would make you and your parents miserable. He doesn't want to spend quality time with his daughters. He wants to spoil the day because he is a bully. Ignore his nonsense.

blackteasplease · 23/12/2017 15:47

Do not invite him no matter what he says.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/12/2017 15:51

YANBU. You're divorced. I usually hate this saying, but its not your problem.
You don't care and you don't have to.
Plus if the boot were on the other foot. Do you think for one minute he'd study you.

PavlovianLunge · 23/12/2017 15:51

Stop it, purple, it would be a mistake to invite him. He’s made his bed, let him lie in it while you have a lovely Christmas.

kateandme · 23/12/2017 15:52

i hate people being alone.but pleeeease don't invite him.hes old enough now to no that ur separated and would hve to make different arrangments.
this is not your problem.
please I can really imagine if he comes the scene and how uncomfortable it will be and miserable for you and the others at ur.make my tummy lurch.dont do it.
ur kind to even think of it.
if he was right here he would have taken you off quietly and talked through his sad situation and NOT made a point of doing so to control and manipulate ur response in front of the kids

Gemini69 · 23/12/2017 15:53

Leave the selfish git to sort himself out.... Xmas Grin

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