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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate when people unconnected make a tragedy all about them?

96 replies

crunchymint · 23/12/2017 12:40

Had this experience last night. We had a fatal crash near us. One friend kept going on and on about how she was driving down that road 10 minutes before and could have been hit.
It really really annoyed me. You didn't see anything, you don't know anyone who was hurt or killed, it is nothing to do with you.

Or another friend who heard the police breaking into a house to arrest suspected terrorists. She kept on going on and on about how close they were to it. The arrest happened about 0.3 miles away from her, she doesn't know anyone who was arrested, or even anyone who lives on the same street.

Just really annoys me.

OP posts:
doodlejump1980 · 23/12/2017 14:27

I fell out with a friend for doing similar. There was a fire in Edinburgh in a disused building about 2 blocks from friend’s brother’s flat. When she came out with “we nearly lost him” in floods of tears just after I’d lost my sister suddenly to meningitis I lost it. When it then transpired he was 100s of miles away in Manchester AND his flat wasn’t even remotely affected by the fire I began to see her for the attention-seeking madam she is. Grrrrr.

brizzledrizzle · 23/12/2017 14:27

It annoys me as well, I can understand it if it genuinely could have been you not somebody else but even so.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/12/2017 14:31

I totally understand. There was a house fire in my friends duster street, and the sister kept posting photos of it and a video on Facebook. I thought bloody hell have some respect will you, it was really inappropriate.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/12/2017 14:32

Sister not duster, doh.

putdownyourphone · 23/12/2017 14:38

The car crash thing is kind of understandable - it could have been her and it does make you think about your own mortality.

I once had something fall from a building and land just behind me and my baby, had we been a second later one or both of us could have been killed and it really shook me. The crash situation is similar.

Santasbigredbobblehat · 23/12/2017 14:41

YANBU. These sort of people are the worst.

GoldenPants · 23/12/2017 14:42

Yes and no. I can understand minute later/earlier thing, puts your life in perspective. Some people just go over the top and make things about them when it has nothing to do with them.
Years ago, before I had my own car I was doing some shopping in near by town. Colleague offered me a lift home because he was going same direction few hours later saying to come over to his house and then go together later, I said ok. After doing my shopping something has made me changed my mind and took a bus home. Later I found out the he got into car crash on the same day and same time when I was supposed to be getting a lift. He suffered minor injuries but left side of the car was completely destroyed. I didn't make it about me because it wasn't me who got hurt but couldn't stop thinking I could have been in that passengers seat.

Rebeccaslicker · 23/12/2017 14:46

Yep. The most tragic thing I've known personally was my friend's little sister being killed when we were at school. The next morning some of the girls in my year - who couldn't even have picked her out of a line up - were carrying on and screaming and sobbing. My friend just sat, quiet, white faced and dignified, and said nothing about it save to thank people who told her how sorry they were. Dramaholics are not cool.

CaveMum · 23/12/2017 15:10

Did anyone else read Victoria Coren-Mitchell’s article about the death of her father and the free loaders who tried to attend his funeral? Turns out they were known for it and seemed to get some kind of warped enjoyment about attending funerals/memorial services for pretty much anyone who got an Obituary in the broadsheets.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/dec/21/celebrity-victoria-coren

MiaowTheCat · 23/12/2017 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smurfy2015 · 23/12/2017 15:46

This may be triggering - re suicide

Coming home from a party in the early hours one morning along a country road, passing the house of one of the groups acquaintances when his parents stopped us on the road, around 5 am, short version, he had shot himself in the head with a legally held shotgun and they wanted help with first aid, they were in shock, it sobered us in an instant and we scrambled out to help,

We called ambulance, (the hospital it was coming from for major trauma was over 45 miles away) they had been in too much shock to do so and started to make it look like we were trying to help, we knew as 19-year-olds by the damage that he was past anything we could do from first aid classes which we all did together and it was only for the parents sake we were going thru the motions so we did,

Was delighted to hand over to the paramedics with the others when they arrived and let them take over

This other person/twat who never bothered with him in life much started how he lived a couple of miles away and someone should have come and got him - he would have been more helpful as he was a healthcare professional. If it had to be someone who would be helpful and qualified, someone would have gone down and banged every door and window to get help but it turned out he was talking about qualification as healthcare assistant,

don't get me wrong I have full respect for HCAs and care assistants, (full thread on that someday) but him being a twat that morning wasn't going to help anyone.

As we were, 2 females, 3 males, his brother and his parents who all worked on what we could, although we sent the family up to the house to grab a load of stuff basically so we could sort out our plan as we knew we couldn't save him and it was sickening for all of us, we threw up alongside my friend turning away to the side, not from alcohol but I am content many years on, we tried, we couldn't save him.

After a very rough and emotional week for our group of friends, his funeral was held, the family thanked us many times and praised us for our efforts, we went for a meal together afterwards with my friends family after funeral and after the meal, the twat neighbour stood up and gave a rambling speech about stages of grief and Elizabeth Kubler Ross. (Apologies I know I ramble too)

I was speaking to someone who knows him and apparently told them last year that he was the one who found my friend hanging, yes claims it the same friend. If you are going to grieve over someone, get basic facts in order

Every year since on a certain date and time, wherever we are in the world and thanks to the www we join the friend's parents and brother for a few moments all together that changed things and our lives forever over 20 years ago, and gave 5 of us a maturity that some of us werent quite ready for but learned to deal with

LetsGoFlyAKiteee · 23/12/2017 15:49

After the Manchester bombing someone mentioned how their sister couldve been there is they're a huge fan. However Manchester is 4 hours or so away from where we live so the chances so unlikely to have been at that one anyway . Know obviously you do think like that but sometimes... If it's no where close and all.

ShirleyPhallus · 23/12/2017 16:41

smurfy2015 what a story, how devastating and traumatic for you all and his parents. Hope you and they have managed to find some peace Flowers

Turnocks34 · 23/12/2017 16:54

I had to delete a long time friend who was the worst grief thief I'd ever met. Painful.

Every single tradgedy, from earthquakes to terror is attacks and she'd post long, self pitying revelations followed by an authentic 'kiss and hug your loved ones tonight'

The final straw was when a mutual friend, gave birth to her daughter, stillborn at 41 weeks. Friends husband sent a text to a few of her friends telling us what had happened, but basically asking us to give them space to grieve etc. This 'other friend' put a long status immediately on Facebook, declaring how devastated she was, how beautiful the baby would have been and how we needed to be strong for said friend. Then tagged her in it. Followed by all her creepy friends asking if she was ok and her replying 'not really Hun'

spidey66 · 23/12/2017 17:03

On 7/7 I was travelling to work on both the Piccadilly and Circle Lines. Fortunately some delats to my journey meant I wasn't on either train. It did make me think ''That could have been me'' and scared the life out of me (not enough to not get straight back on the tube the following day albeit a different route due to the damage.) I wouldn't say I ''dined out on it'' just I think a hell of a lot of empathy for the victims.

Giftdilema · 23/12/2017 17:14

OK I'm going to be honest.

I'm not one for doing this usually and I would have had the same opinion as all of you previously but we were in Manchester Arena a couple of days before the attack with my parents and children (go very regularly with work) and it really really shook me up when it happened.

I didn't make it all about me but it rattled us all massively. Whether because I had been going there since it opened or whether when we woke up in the morning it was to several of mine and Dc Friends/Facebook friends searching for people and some of those people died I don't know.

But honestly it shook the hell up out of us and if that makes me a grief stealer then so be it.

ManicUnicorn · 23/12/2017 17:25

I had this after the awful Manchester arena bombing earlier this year. The amount of people I know who dined out on the fact they were there about six months before was shocking. Even my DB went on ad nauseum about he'd sat in the Mcadonalds right by where the the bomb went off after a gig a year before.

It's a very weird mind set.

fairgame84 · 23/12/2017 17:42

Turnocks that's horrific. What a horrible self centred twat your ex-friend is.

StealthPolarBear · 23/12/2017 17:47

Gift I think there's a difference between thinking that, or talking about it to your close family, and telling everyone or putting it on social media.

GranolaLover · 23/12/2017 17:53

It's like when someone dies and somebody who wasn't even particularly close to them goes into mourning. I've witnessed this a couple of times with a relative of mine,and it really winds me up. I feel like saying to them 'Get a grip and leave the wailing and gnashing of teeth to the people who WILL be affected by X's death!'.

Notreallyarsed · 23/12/2017 17:55

Gift I think there's a difference between thinking that, or talking about it to your close family, and telling everyone or putting it on social media

I absolutely agree with this! You can empathise with people, or confront your fears over your own mortality after a tragedy without being self centred and showy on social media. I think it’s only human to process a terrible event, especially if it’s close to home, but it isn’t to make it all about you.

Notreallyarsed · 23/12/2017 17:57

For example, my mum and DSD were in a cafe in Whitehaven the day before the awful shooting spree which killed so many people. To see the windows of the cafe where they sat with shotgun pellet holes on the news was quite a shock, and I was very grateful they weren’t there at the time and I hugely empathised with the people directly affected, injured or worse.
What I didn’t do was tell the world and make it seem like it was all about me. I’m aware this might be a bit ironic since I’ve just written it on here but it’s anonymous and to illustrate a point Smile

HappenstanceMarmite · 23/12/2017 18:06

Friend to me following the awful terrorist attacks in Paris:

“OMG! We nearly went to Paris the weekend before that, but we decided to go to Rome instead!!! Makes you think doesn’t it?!”

Me: Speechless

StepAwayFromGoogle · 23/12/2017 18:23

There's a massive difference between being genuinely shaken up by a near miss and making the tragedy all about you, IMO.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 23/12/2017 18:25

They are BU to go on and on - hell yeah

But not BU to be shaken up if that makes sense .

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