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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make DS go to a party

75 replies

Mehfruittea · 23/12/2017 09:59

...that he doesn’t want to go to.

Got the invite about 3 weeks ago, he was excited. Likes the other boy but not one of his best friends.

The party has a theme that DS has sometimes liked, often indifferent about and at times really hated. The theme was on the invite. DS is 6 and now refusing to go to the party.

I’ve insisted he goes anyway. What would most parents want? A child to turn up, but moody and vocally refusing to join in, or a polite sorry, he’s not well (with DH taking the gift along to venue).

I’ve pushed it because I’ve assumed less kids will be able go due to it being so close to xmas. Parent sent out a polite reminder yesterday, I replied positive to it. DS had not mentioned party or refusing to go at this point. I believe if you agree to something, it’s a commitment. And when he was invited, he was really excited. Theme was very clear on invite.

I know DS is stubborn enough to refuse to have fun, even when dragged in to the venue. Would that ruin the party for the other boy?

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 23/12/2017 16:19

I'm glad your DS went. It isn't right to give a child the idea that they can just pull out of a party because they don't like the theme anymore. The party is about the birthday boy, not him. It sounds like he wasn't all that gracious about it, but he is only 6 and that's fairly normal behaviour at that age.

I'm just remembering how one friend went to DD2's themed princess party when she turned 5 earlier this year. She's a real tomboy and doesn't like princesses at all, but was still happy to come to the party. I was very touched.

TalkinBoutWhat · 23/12/2017 19:30

Nothing wrong with not participating in the theme. DS1 hated dressing up until about 8. Loads of parties had fancy dress themes, so we dressed him in ordinary clothes that had a nod to the theme, (Eg striped t-shirt and a toy telescope), or something partyish like a nice shirt.

Don't think anyone ever got upset with us, and if they had I couldn't have given a toss quite frankly.

PumpkinPie2016 · 23/12/2017 19:51

I am really pleased you made your son honour the commitment he had made! That's the way life works and I think it's good for children to learn that you can't just let people down.

I would always make my son go if he had accepted a party invite.

We had a party for my son recently and one child just didn't turn up at all even though the mum had sent me a message saying they would be there! I still had to pay for their place and was quite annoyed as it wasn't a cheap venue

Starlight2345 · 23/12/2017 20:17

He was rewarded with a McDonald’s he decided he wanted to go to. 😮

Haudyerwheesht · 23/12/2017 20:21

You did the right thing making him go. Fwiw he wouldn't have been bribed to go in this house - he's not doing anyone a favour going to their party. He chose to go, end of. Also if he'd been vocally bad mannered and difficult I would've been beyond angry and disappointed - I honestly don't have perfect children by any stretch of the imagination but they wouldn't go and be rude at someone's party. I think it's good you made him go and have had a chat about commitments but also I think I'd look at general attitude if he can't be trusted to go somewhere and be polite.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 23/12/2017 20:24

It’s a life’s lesson for him. He takes responsibility for his choices.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 23/12/2017 20:26

The trick is probably to help him look at the pluses and minuses before commiting and accepting a party invite

Kentnurse2015 · 23/12/2017 20:29

He should have gone without a reward!

Jessikita · 23/12/2017 20:30

I think you should make him go, because he said he wanted to go in the first place.

If he’d had said from the start a no fair enough. But would you accepted as far as I’m concerned your committed.

I’m sorry I just wouldn’t accept a 6 year old dictating what they wanted to do.

SpartonDregs · 23/12/2017 20:31

Party is long gone now...

Trb17 · 23/12/2017 21:09

It’s not nice to teach kids that they can commit to an activity and then bail out and let friends down when they just change their minds.

Teach him that if you commit, you see it through.

I’d make him go to the party.

Original poster

Mehfruittea · 23/12/2017 23:07

The party is over and DS asleep. DH was there and has now told me what has happened. My DS is very sensitive boy and non-confrontational. Also an only child. School have said he needs to learn how to deal with conflict himself, teachers won’t/can’t sort out every quarrel. DS is very ‘straight down the line’ and doesn’t understand why people break rules or are mean etc.

The group of boys were doing a themed activity. It was very physical and rough. One boy made a mistake so another pushed him over and started shouting at him, calling him a loser. Parents were there and mumbling of a vague telling off, but more cheering and encouraging their very aggressive behaviour. They are 5/6 year olds.

My DS did not want to join in and stayed out of it with DH. There is no way I would have encouraged him to join if I had been there. When it got to party games/food/blowing out the candles my DS was with them and fully joining in. I understand now why he didn’t want to do the themed activity, but didn’t know how to explain it to us without getting upset. He says he was excited to get the party invite but didn’t read it, so didn’t know the theme. He wanted to hang out with these boys but not when doing an aggressive activity. I took him to another party last weekend where one of these boys punched and bit one of my DS’s close friends.

Sorry to drip feed all this, I didn’t understand the back story and DH didn’t want to say anything in front of DS.

Yes we took him to McD’s. For the first time in his life, and after much pestering. He spent most of today doing various things he didn’t want to do, enjoyed bits of them and was not rude or misbehaving in any way. He may even get the chance to go again next year!

OP posts:

lunar1 · 23/12/2017 23:17

He's 6, why didn't you read the invite with him and explain it?

Appalling that you gave him a treat for this, you bribed him and he will remember that poor behaviour and attitude is a way to get what he wants.

GwenStaceyRocks · 23/12/2017 23:23

Generally children do want to go to parties. If they're not keen, it's usually a sign that something is going on. I'm glad you got to the bottom of it. It will help you to make decisions for any forthcoming parties.

Haudyerwheesht · 23/12/2017 23:25

What was the aggressive theme??? Seems v odd

Original poster

Mehfruittea · 23/12/2017 23:44

I don’t want to say the exact theme but think something like laser quest. Group get seperated in to 2 teams to compete against each other. Parents are at the side and can watch, cheer, shout advice/obscenities etc.

Yes this is a lesson learned for all of us. And I have not said at any point the my DS behaves badly. I was worried he would, but he didn’t.

OP posts:

MissDuke · 24/12/2017 05:57

Sounds like a nerf type party? I think your ds was fine. I have saw children many times at parties who sat out, hardly a big deal. They are very little. At 6 my ds wouldn't have been keen on what you describe either. I think some posters are being harsh and forgetting he is very little yet. I personally think you handled it fine op.

Ohyesiam · 24/12/2017 06:48

Haven't read the whole thread, but I'd say that if you RSVP d yes, then he needs to go.

Pidgythe2nd · 24/12/2017 06:59

You're doing him no favours rewarding going to a party.
And your poor little precious snowflake having to take part in such a rough activity. Kids sit out at parties all the time...just don't make a big deal of it and stop pandering to him.

cariadlet · 24/12/2017 07:37

My initial reaction was that he accepted so of course he had to go. Even at 6 he's old enough to accept that you have to stick to your commitments. I was glad that you made him go, but not too impressed with the bribery.

However, after your latest update I can completely sympathise with your son. The dominant boys (and their parents) sound very unpleasant and I can see why your ds was anxious about the party. Well done him for going along and joining in with as much as he was able.

At least, with all the info you now have, you'll all be able to discuss the invites in future and be able to make informed decisions about whether your ds would enjoy the party or not.

Notcool1984 · 24/12/2017 08:40

My son is 7 and like this with group sports parties (he is very very shy). I would take him if you have committed, he may just enjoy himself when he is there? Also I hate when ppl pull out of parties last minute, esp when you pay for them.

timshortfforthalia · 24/12/2017 08:43

Is it football? Ds(8) said no to the last football party he was invited to. Hes a couple of years older than your son though, and it's taken him quite a few bad football parties to get to this place.

Id make your ds go though, no question.

Notcool1984 · 24/12/2017 08:44

Woops missed all the updates!

timshortfforthalia · 24/12/2017 08:44

Sorry, missed your updates.

JacquesHammer · 24/12/2017 08:50

And your poor little precious snowflake having to take part in such a rough activity

Why be a dick?

I can totally see how this happened. At 6 it's "yay party" even if theme sounds something he wouldn't enjoy.

Glad he went and the situation was sorted

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