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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DS go to a party

75 replies

Mehfruittea · 23/12/2017 09:59

...that he doesn’t want to go to.

Got the invite about 3 weeks ago, he was excited. Likes the other boy but not one of his best friends.

The party has a theme that DS has sometimes liked, often indifferent about and at times really hated. The theme was on the invite. DS is 6 and now refusing to go to the party.

I’ve insisted he goes anyway. What would most parents want? A child to turn up, but moody and vocally refusing to join in, or a polite sorry, he’s not well (with DH taking the gift along to venue).

I’ve pushed it because I’ve assumed less kids will be able go due to it being so close to xmas. Parent sent out a polite reminder yesterday, I replied positive to it. DS had not mentioned party or refusing to go at this point. I believe if you agree to something, it’s a commitment. And when he was invited, he was really excited. Theme was very clear on invite.

I know DS is stubborn enough to refuse to have fun, even when dragged in to the venue. Would that ruin the party for the other boy?

OP posts:
Beamur · 23/12/2017 10:41

I was going to suggest a bribe too!
Lessons can be learnt in kinder ways too.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/12/2017 10:41

Difficult situation, but he should go.

pictish · 23/12/2017 10:45

Yes make him go and send him with a flea in his ear about not bringing the atmosphere down with a sour face and bad attitude as well. Ask him how he would feel if someone carried on like that about his party. I know he's only 6 but there are appropriate ways of communicating these sentiments that he will understand.

MsWanaBanana · 23/12/2017 10:46

Don't make him go. My DS is like this - one day he loves Ben and wants to play with him all the time, the next day they've fallen out and he never wants to speak to him again. One day Lego is the coolest thing ever, the day after it's lame ... I'd let the parent know what's going on, they will understand. I wouldn't even say he was ill, I'd tell them the truth

This is so bad mannered. How would you like it if you organised a party for your ds that he had been really looking forward to and kids didn't turn up because they didn't feel like it? Ridiculous advice. The Mum would of catered for your ds as well. You explain to your kids that you have said yes and birthday boy/girl are really looking forward to them coming and would be disappointed if they didn't. Then you make them go.

Crumbs1 · 23/12/2017 10:46

If he accepted then courtesy suggests he needs to go with good grace. The theme is the hosts choise not the guests. In my house he would not be bribed he’d be told to go and behave himself. If he spoiled someone else’s birthday party by sulking there would be consequences - not least an apology to the host child and parents.
McDonalds won’t kill him but I’d give it a reward for good behaviour rather than a bribe.

ScipioAfricanus · 23/12/2017 10:46

Tricky because it does sound like he could make the whole thing unpleasant for the boy whose party it is, but I think you were right to make him go as he’d already committed and it’s ruder not to go than to go and be sulky. Hopefully in the long run following through will teach him to accept things like that without being difficult.

KC225 · 23/12/2017 10:47

I would make him go, let him go I'm ordinary clothes and take a few costume items. Is it possible for you to hang out for 10 minutes or so just to make sure he had got into the swing of it.

FoolandFitz · 23/12/2017 10:48

Mehfruittea totally agree that he should go and good for insisting that he should go, hopefully your DH will follow through. Even my ASD child knows that he has to go if he's accepted the invite.

pictish · 23/12/2017 10:48

And I wouldn't have offered him a special treat...but you've done it now. I would have impressed the need for good manners instead of rewarding him for doing what he should anyway.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 23/12/2017 10:50

This is a chance to teach him about good manners OP.

You accept an invitation...you go.

Unless you're sick.

youarenotkiddingme · 23/12/2017 10:50

I'd tell him he made a commitment and should honour it. Ask him how he'd feel if friends did this to him?

I know a parent who did this all the time with her 2 children, literally would cancel half hour before if a 'better' offer came along.

Both are now teens who struggle socially in their own ways and have really struggled since starting secondary to grasp the idea of rules being rules - not something to negotiate.

Empathise - not your theme, tired, excite ness for Christmas etc - but don't pander.

TalkinBoutWhat · 23/12/2017 10:52

I'd make him go with dire threats of screen bans etc if he refused to join in and sat around like a wet blanket. No way is any child of mine going to treat friends poorly because he felt like being moody.

BillywilliamV · 23/12/2017 10:56

It would be interesting, in 20 years time to see whether there was discernible difference in the characters of the children made to go and those allowed to stay away

WeAllHaveWings · 23/12/2017 10:58

I’ve been there will ds and he was told not only he had to go because he accepted the invite, but also any sulking in there and ruining the birthday child’s party would result in a consequence. We had the chat about how others feel etc etc.

Rewarding a child for going to a party is a slippery slope.

Evelynismyspyname · 23/12/2017 11:01

If it's just the theme and he personally chose to accept the invitation then yes he should go, but make sure the parents have your mobile number and say that he's a bit grumpy today and you'll happily pick him up if he's spoiling the mood.

I usually would make the child go, but have let dc3 drop out when the frenemy who invited him switched yet again from being his bff to trying to isolate him and telling the other boys in the class not to play with him. I thought we'd sorted that out with school's help (it's been going on since preschool and he's nearly 7 now) but clearly not. I don't trust the boy's parents not to let it happen, they are proud of what a "strong leader" their son is and think butter wouldn't melt, so Had no guilty feelings about pulling DS out of that party at the last minute when he started crying at the idea of going and told us about how Do is "being really mean" again and won't let anyone invited to the party play with him... DS3 is now finally accepting that D is not his friend even when he behaves as if he is, which I guess is a life lesson, but a harsh one for a smallish child. Next time we just won't let him say yes to that child's invitation in the first place - hopefully he will know to say no himself.

WooWooSister · 23/12/2017 11:05

Next time we just won't let him say yes to that child's invitation in the first place - hopefully he will know to say no himself
YY I think this is key. As a parent, you have to take responsibility at the invitation stage. Sometimes DCs don't make the best decisions about parties because they are caught up in the initial excitement of the invitation.
I have one DC who gets excited with invitations but actually is very anxious at parties. We manage which ones we think they can attend and respond to the invitation accordingly.

Lovemusic33 · 23/12/2017 11:10

I would take him, he might be fine once he gets there. Chances are his place has been payed for (food and activity), it’s unfair to change his mind at the last minute. Take him, see how it goes, worst thing that can happen is you need to take him home early.

Oldraver · 23/12/2017 11:11

I think you need ot make him go now you have confirmed you will. How would DS like it if lots of people ditched out of his party on a whim

Beamur · 23/12/2017 11:11

I think I'm coming at this from the POV of a parent with a child who doesn't enjoy parties much anyway, so to be strong armed into going would be counter productive.
Personally I'm not against a little bribery, but it seems I am not in the majority here Grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/12/2017 11:13

He's gone to the party, folks.
He's even getting over himself.
THe party's probably half over by now, and the DS will be looking forward to getting his MacD's.

sirfredfredgeorge · 23/12/2017 12:08

Parent sent out a polite reminder yesterday, I replied positive to it. DS had not mentioned party or refusing to go at this point.

You really should have asked your DS then, whilst he clearly should go.

Original poster
Mehfruittea · 23/12/2017 16:03

Party went fine, birthday boy happy and had a good turn out. My DS refused to participate in the theme but it didn’t ruin it for the birthday boy. Stern chat had about making a commitment. all future party invites will be vetted and rsvp’s will be sent after a 7 day cooling off period.

Thanks for all comments, glad I was right to push this one and make him do it. DH also did a sterling job of sticking with it, even though he didn’t agree to making him go.

OP posts:
SnowannaRainbow · 23/12/2017 16:08

My DS refused to participate in the theme but it didn’t ruin it for the birthday boy

Well I hope you didn't reward him with a special treat after behaving like that.

MumGoneMild · 23/12/2017 16:10

How old is your ds?

MumGoneMild · 23/12/2017 16:10

Oh he's six, sorry i missed that in the first postBlush

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