Am I a diva??

[always2ndbest]

I kinda think I probably have been a bit princess diva like but it's how I feel so here goes.

Every year from about October onwards I start Christmas shopping. I pay attention to what family and friends mention they like in conversations, take time looking round the shops and online, and hopefully buy everyone thoughtful, useful and wanted presents.

Every year, without fail, I get handed an envelope with cash in.

Now I'm not hard done by but I'm not well off either and sadly, when given money, if there's not something I'd like or want to buy straightaway, that money gets frittered away on a bit of shopping here, an unexpected bill there etc etc.

Last weekend I bumped into my parents out shopping. Laden with bags and wrapping I said I'd just finished xmas shopping and they replied with "oh will just give you money again". This is where my inner princess diva leapt in to action. I'm not proud of myself but after battling with the crowds and noise and heat of the shops to buy them some nice gifts, I admit I threw a strop. I said I thought money was lazy and thoughtless and I'd been their daughter for nearly 40 years and I'd like some gifts to open Christmas Day. They replied they didn't know what to get me and it was too much bother! Well a) they could ask, and b) I'm not difficult to buy for. I'd love pyjamas, dressing gown, perfume, smellies etc. Their reply, oh we'll give you the money and you can buy it yourself!!

So was I being an unreasonable diva or are my parents just rubbish!

By the way, even though I'm nearly 40, they were very young parents and aren't even in their 60s yet.

Thank you for getting through that, I'll appreciate your replies!

No, not a diva

A martyr perhaps though.

I think it does kind of suck when you get cash as an adult. In theory, you should spend it on something fun for yourself, but I never do, and I bet a lot of us don't.

Just give them gift vouchers, don’t waste your time as they aren’t wasting there’s.
It is crap and thoughtless of them but they don’t sound like they’re interested unfortunately.

*Their’s

From now on, give them cash and put your shopping effort into buying for yourself.

I’m in a similar situation I put thought into xmas presents but it’s not reciprocated. Now, before xmas, I have my list ready and get things of my list. I prefer it as I can get stuff in the sales.
Is it thoughtless? Tomato-tomahto. I am picky and a bit of a organising freak so if sonething is not to my exact spec, it’s gone. So I can see where my/DH’s family come from and hand me cash. They could have asked for my list but they deviate, “we couldn’t find you the cream shirt from uniqlo so we got you an animal print top 2 sized too small from Karen Millen.”
Now, I do my own thing.

Don't fritter the money away, keep it until you see something you like. My Christmas money will partly pay for a night out I have every January.

I'm generally quite dismissive of adults who are fussy about presents, but your post made me a little sad. It's not too much to expect people to give you something personal, to show they've actually thought about you. I admit I sometimes ask what family members want because I don't want to overload them with stuff they don't have room for and won't get much use out of. However, most of the time I expect to do the work to prove I do give a shit about my own flesh and blood. If they have already told me what they want, how feeble is it to not just pop into a shop and get it? Not as if your folks were too busy/lazy to buy other people stuff (or did I misread that, were they only shopping for themselves?), just somehow they don't feel they need to bother with their own daughter. Basically they're delegating the one task to you that would prove they care. They may well care about you, that is, but they just don't grasp this is a way of showing it, even after you said it in so many words. YANBU to expect a little more.

A strop was probably a bit OTT but you are not wrong OP. As they had various bags of shopping , they are putting in effort for others.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say yes that is a bit diva-ish. If you can't find something you want to buy with the money, or put it away in a savings fund or holiday account, then that's bad money management on your part.

Money is far more useful than "stuff" that you may or may not like or want.

My parents are very generous at birthdays and Christmas with a cheque, but we always tell them what the money is being used for.

Nope, not being a diva at all. I find myself in exactly the same position with everyone, every year! I know you don't give to receive, but year in year out I pay a lot of attention to buying people thoughtful gifts, and yet my parents, DH, and even kids to some extent, either give me vouchers or spend weeks asking me to choose something for myself and they'll give me the money. Like you, I don't think I'm difficult to buy for, I love books, PJs, candles, chocs, all easy and inexpensive. The only one who buys me a gift is MIL and she puts no thought whatsoever in to what she buys so I end up with things like earrings/make up (neither of which I wear and she's known me long enough to know) Happy Christmas! 😂

I'd rather have the money than something I don't like and have to return or exchange, so I would be quite happy with that.

With the money, why not getting yourself a box subscription? There are tons of choices nowadays they are fashionable, make-up, food, books, crafts. You chose your favorite theme, and you get a surprise every month.

I actually prefer cash,so much more than presents,I even tell relatives that cash is best for the kids,you can buy what you like then,no wrong sizes or wrong colours

Google 5 love languages. I can tell you now that yours is acts of service and that theirs is gift giving.

You don't prove /show love through spending money on presents,that's done during the year ,by how you treat your family,with kindness love and consideration all though the year is more of a blessing than presents at Christmas because society says we must...oh it's Christmas best get buying..plus Christmas is about so much more than the gifts...well unless you are 5 ofcourse,then it's just about the gifts..cheer up op,your parents don't love you any less just because they give u money.

Why not create a wish list so people have ideas of what to give you?

YANBU. They could easily make the effort!

It is a shame for you that they won't get you some pressies to open when you've asked them to. Especially when you spend time and money picking things for everyone else, and do it to show your love.

This is a case though where they have clearly shown you they aren't going to change (because the act of gift giving isn't important to them). You can only change how you do things: Buy some gifts for yourself; only do the careful present shopping and giving for those who reciprocate etc etc etc. Turn it around so it feels better for you.

If your parents were posting on here they might be saying 'We don't enjoy getting presents for adults and prefer not to get any ourselves. Our daughter is very different and spends far too much time doing it. We prefer to just give money!' Very different to you.

You're not a diva but the store you set on choosing presents and the love and care they represent to you isn't matched by your parents' views. That isn't going to change. So make yourself plan to tweak what you do or your feelings are going to continue to be hurt every year.

I honestly think people who buy meaningful gifts need to take more pleasure in giving. Some people just can't do it or frankly don't want to and show their love in other ways because they place importance on other gestures.

It's sad that your sad, and I completely understand how hurtful it is to be constantly let down but like you say, you've been their daughter for forty years. Why keep setting yourself up to be hurt when you're fully aware of their MO?

Try and focus on the good points in your relationship with them and if you can't take pleasure from giving them thoughtful gifts without receiving an equivalent back then stop doing it for your own sake.

I don't know. I get a lot of "thoughtful" gifts where my first thought is "who do I know who might like that?"

My parents always give a gift (they'd be horrified at the idea of giving cash to an adult) but they will ask what I want. I never get a thoughtful surprise. Which is fine.

So you start in October & were still laden down last weekend??!!

How does that happen??

Are you the only person that your parents don't buy for?

Do you usually tell the what you would like & they never bother to get it?

Really pisses me off when people expect other people to do exactly the same as them and the others are made out to look shit.

I hate present buying. I find it massively stressful worrying if I've got the right thing, will they like it, what if they just pretend to like it but really hate it and on and on and on.

So you either tell me exactly what you want, from what shop in which colour etc or you get money.

That's it. I don't care what you get me or if you want to give me money, it's fine. But don't get pissy that you don't think enough 'thought' has gone into it just because that's the way you do things.

Buy yourself pjs and smelliest etc and wrap them up under tree - as you know you'll get reimbersed