To be a little bit sad at my DM?

[Wineisalwaysagoodidea]

NC for this.

So, a few weeks ago my DGM died. She'd been suffering from dementia and had been in a home for some years. Whilst it came a bit sooner than expected it's in some way a blessing as she had no quality of life at the end.

I live overseas and went home to support DM and DGF and help with the funeral etc. I was very sad that she'd passed away but as she'd been 'gone' in some respects for so many years I was able to deal with it ok. DM and DGF are understandably devastated.

I asked them to return back overseas with me for Christmas as it'll just be the two of them (finances are not a problem for this) but they declined. Fair enough. I went home last year with my DH and we had Christmas together, I was 6mths pregnant at the time and we all agreed I would remain overseas this year rather than flying with a lo.

Now, my DM msgd me last night and asked me not to call on Christmas Day. She still doesn't know what her and DGF will do on the day, they've not decided yet but just want the day to be over.

I'm a bit sad. I understand they're grieving and my heart aches at being so far from them but it's bad enough that my DM faces her first Christmas without her Mother, but why do I also need to have Christmas without mine? Through the magic of FaceTime and Skype I was at least looking forward to my DM being able to see my DD on her first Christmas.

My DGM, god rest her soul, was so family oriented and would be horrified at this.

DM maintaining that it will be too upsetting. Life goes on though? Am I being terribly harsh? I would have just liked a 5-10min FaceTime.

She’s probably still in shock really, and can’t imagine doing anything fun. I’d take lots of photos and videos on the day ao you can share them later. It’s also fine imo to say that you’d be very sad not to talk to her on the day, and ask her to reconsider.

It's a tricky one. You're not being unreasonable to be upset but you can't force her to FaceTime you, that's her choice. I feel for you though. Please ensure you have a lovely Christmas for you and your daughter, especially if it's her first one, and don't feel too harshly towards your mother and grandfather - they are grieving and probably disorientated and dealing in the way they think is best. As a compromise, perhaps Boxing Day, when the main event is over? Then you can also show the gifts your daughter got and you can show them her playing with them?

I'm so sorry for your loss
OP I'm also an expat so I can appreciate the feelings of disconnect at this time of year especially. I gather from your post that DM doesn't have a partner? What did she used to do at Christmas, spend it with DGM and DGF?
It's hard to understand the reasoning sometimes with grief but I can completely understand why you're upset as well. I'm not sure she can see outside her grief at the moment but I think seeing your LO will help both your DM and DGF on a day that would otherwise be filled only with sadness for them.
If they really don't want to talk on the day itself perhaps you could suggest FaceTime on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day?

I can understand; she is grieving. On the Christmas Day after my mums mum passed away my mum just walked out of her seat mid meal and say in another room watching tv. We asked her later what was wrong and she didn't even remember doing it

She's lost her mum and not only that, she got to loose her inch by inch as the dementia took her.

I think children will always be tempted to behave in a childlike way towards their parents. But you're not a child, so give your mum a break. If you you are lucky she'll be around next week and next month and next Christmas to be with you. Let her grieve in peace without a bloody guilt trip.

YANBU to feel upset at all however, your Mum is grieving and needs to deal with that in her own way.
I would make sure you take lots of photos of your lo on Xmas day as I’m sure, when everything is less raw for your Mum, she’ll be upset that she missed her first Xmas and will want to see your happy day.xx

Thanks for that BarbarianMum. I have absolutely no intention of making her feel guilty, hence why I posted on here and didn't say anything to her. I am just feeling a bit sad about it.

To everyone else, thank you so much. I will take lots of pics and videos to share when they both feel ready to see them.

I'd be saddened by this too, it's your wee ones first Christmas 10 mins to say hello and wish her a happy Christmas would not have hurt anybody. Remember Christmas is just a day so don't put to much emphasis on it, move on and hopefully next year will be better for you all.

I'm sorry for you and your families loss .

It’s ok for you to feel sad. Don’t forget that your sadness may also be linked to your own grief, she was your DGM too.

I’m not overseas but other end of the country. My DGM also passed away this year from dementia in similar circumstances. My DM is understandably devastated too. I feel a bit like you - my grandmother as I knew her had been gone for a while. That said, I do get sad myself sometimes about the loss. Especially at family times. Be mindful of your own feelings around this and it being your LOs first Christmas.

Perhaps you could record a short Christmas video for your DM and DGF of you and your little one to be shared at a later time with them.

I wonder if your Mum is trying not to overshadow your first Christmas with your new baby. Be kind to each other.

Perhaps your mum is worried she'll break down and the DC will see.

She's your mum. You are a mum. She's lost her mum. Perhaps this year you should just give her a little ring, a private mother daughter chat where you tell her you love her and are thinking of her and dgf.

They will live to hear from you. They just Don't want a party. Such a shame you are so far away.

PlyingPlyif? Are you seriously saying her 'wee one' will know much less care about skyping, or are you implying the ops right to show off her baby trumps the grieving mother's wishe

She might contact you on the day. I would just say that you would like to speak to her but will leave it up to her when. Perhaps they are thinking of a walk out and not sure if available but leave the ball in her court and she may contact you. Just let them know you would a little contact as you will be missing her. I think she just isn't sure how the day is going to go and doesn't want to be tied down to a time. Just let her know when you are having your meal and say you would love to hear from them if they can manage.

You are an adult now with your own child. Feel lucky and happy for all the good things you have. You sound as if you have a good relationship with your mother, which is a blessing. Let her and your gf grieve in their own way.

Does your mum not Work? It does sound like she’s dwelling on things perhaps a little too much. She may have sent the message at a low point and be talked round if you leave it a few days?

It’s her first Christmas without her mum. Don’t make this an issue when it doesn’t have to be. This is my ds first Christmas without his dad and I will be doing everything in my power to make it easy for him, no matter what.

Really Achoo? And just how much should one dwell on the loss of one's mum on Christmas Day just a few weeks after you've lost them? Couple of hours before lunch perhaps?

I also think she’s feeling sad that you aren’t visiting in the flesh, whatever you might have agreed. If it’s just her and Her elderly father, Christmas Day is not going to be much fun for her, and 10 mins on skype isn’t hugely going to improve that

It's her way of dealing with it. It doesn't matter how old your DP are, it's still a shock when they go, and I haven't lost either of mine yet.

I have lost both my parents very recently. I know grief is different for everyone. My way of coping is to keep very busy. When I’m not busy I plummet. Hence my comment. But I acknowledge everyone is different.

It is very sad but life does go on and filling it rather dwelling is my way of coping.

Each to their own though.

She may be saying it in order to try and take back control a bit over what is going to be a very difficult time for her.

I know it really sucks for you, but if you make it clear that you are available if she changes her mind and wants to get in touch on Christmas day, it leaves the door open.

It is really tough on you, but grief is such a personal journey, nobody can predict how it will affect you.

Check out bereavementuk too. You will find people there who have similar struggles and are really supportive. Good luck OP x

DM was in hospital for a major operation, for rather complicated reasons, DS1 is next of kin, he emailed me once to say that DM had come round and was pulling her tubes out, so they were keeping her sedated, and that was it until she whatsapped me herself! When she was fully recovered, I told her that DS1 hadn't kept me informed, she said he was worried, I said, "Doesn't he think I'd be even more worried? You're his Gran, you're my Mum!"

Yanbu to be a bit upset about it but she is definitely not UR to ask/do it.

It's sad all round. I see your point of view, but I also see your mum's.

First Christmas after DD died, I didn't want to even acknowledge it was happening, she loved Christmas and it was so painful. I think I spent it in bed.

Also your mum has never known a Christmas without her DM in her life, that's got to hurt.

I feel for all of you. Best wishes.

" but why do I also need to have Christmas without mine? "

Good grief-how self centred do you sound?

Let your mum get through it how she wants to.