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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Alone

71 replies

daddysgirls · 22/12/2017 20:51

Being a single dad with 3 teenage girls at home is never easy but Christmas is killing me , I feel so hopelessly alone , all I want is to be loved by someone who understands my commitment to my girls since my wife died in 2009 . I have just sat alone in the local pub we’re I once knew everybody , I can’t bear the Christmas cheer anymore but cannot let my girls know how I feel . My ex partners is out partying because she didn’t want a part time boyfriend !! I have never felt so lost

OP posts:
Allthetuppences · 23/12/2017 14:15

Sorry you're struggling at this time of year.
You can find someone who will appreciate you as the parent you are. Focus on the things you enjoy, outside parenting, and look for something new in the new year?
Good luck!

Namechangetempissue · 23/12/2017 14:15

I'm sure the vast majority of posters here couldn't care less if you are man and will happily reply to you as they would a women. You don't need to justify your decision to post here.
Your girls sound lovely! It is really hard finding someone special after such a devastating loss -what have you tried? Have you been out on dates?

Thymeout · 23/12/2017 14:17

There's an organisation called 'Widowed and Young'. Probably someone else knows more about it than me. But I do know 2 people who've found it very helpful in adjusting to bereavement and a new life as a single person but with children who will obviously come first. One of them has now married again to a fellow member.

It might be difficult to find people in a similar position in an isolated area, but with the internet all things are possible. This is just a stage in your life. In a few years your girls will be less of a factor in a future relationship. Life feels bleak at the moment, but 'this too will pass'.

ItsYuleyme · 23/12/2017 14:34

We're all here for you daddysgirls!
Your girls said it all, when they told you on your birthday that you were the best Mum and Dad in the World.
You cant see it at the moment but your life will get better!

I'm sending all good vibes to you and picturing someone amazing coming into your life.

Original poster
daddysgirls · 23/12/2017 14:59

Thank you for all your kindness , I was with someone but it was totally the wrong person . My daughters are always looking for me , they know how I feel and want us all to find that person.

OP posts:
Original poster
daddysgirls · 23/12/2017 15:00

Being 54 dosnt help !!

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 23/12/2017 15:08

I didn’t meet my partner having been on my own for 5yrs - I was 48.

Don’t give up hope. Maybe councilling may help as you mentioned you need to get over your ex partner. See your GP tell them how you feel.

Original poster
daddysgirls · 23/12/2017 15:13

We all suffered and I feel guilty for allowing her to upset us all . I think it’s the fact my life has taken another upset , nowhere near as bad as losing my wife but it’s horrible starting over again . We will survive and you are all helping !

OP posts:
ItsYuleyme · 23/12/2017 16:50

Don't feel guilty, it wasn't your fault that the relationship didn't work out!
That's life!! As they say! You'll survive!
Sometimes you know, we have to "fight" to be happy. And when you make yourself laugh, even if you don't really want to. It releases, feel good hormones and bit by bit you begin to feel better.
When I was down once, I did all the things your advised to do, eat well, exercise etc. But the thing that really helped was watching Billy O'Connor and Peter Kay on Netflix and clips on Google every time I felt down.
Give it a try, it worked for me.
Btw 54 is nothing!

Smeaton · 23/12/2017 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
daddysgirls · 23/12/2017 20:13

I will be thinking of you , there are more people in my position than I thought !

OP posts:
VioletCharlotte · 23/12/2017 20:18

Hi OP, sorry to hear you're feeling like this, Christmas is a lonely time for many people I think. I'm a single Mum and have been in my own for a long time. I'm used to it now and happy with the situation, but I can imagine for you, having had your wife taken from you, it must be very hard.

You sound like a great Dad, your girls are lucky to have you. Keep chatting to us on here if it helps you feel less alone Smile

butterfly990 · 23/12/2017 20:29

I lost my partner 3 years ago and I have 3 young children.

I have found my neighbours to be amazing and I instigated a shared Christmas dinner with my 3 near neighbours all retired couples and my parents. Everyone is bringing something. I am lucky this year I am hosting but someone else is cooking and bringing the turkey. In the past I have just ordered a stick in the oven duck from M&S.

I am thinking of joining WAY in the new year. www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/

Original poster
daddysgirls · 24/12/2017 06:08

I’m working all day today and I just want to be at home , I only work weekends so I can be at home for the kids school runs etc and I hate the thought of them coming home to an empty house each day . But it means I never get out at weekends to meet people . I know I fuss and worry to much over them , my ex was telling me all the time but they are my children and will only have a childhood once . They are damaged enough not having a mother , I’m not going to hurt them more by leaving them alone all the time .

OP posts:
Poshindevon · 24/12/2017 06:49

I am sorry your feeling so down in the dumps Flowers but I dont think for one minute your children are damaged. You have provided them with love and security. Dont be so hard on yourself your doing a marvellous job, your girls have told you so.
Just think that when you get home from work your lovely girls will be waiting to spend Christmas with their father who means the world to them.
Take some advice from the previous posts join a support group and /or POF.

Start 2018 with an open heart and mind so you can live, love, laugh and be happy.
I wish you and your girls a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Vitalogy · 24/12/2017 06:52

Sorry you're feeling so down OP. Relying on someone else for your happiness is never a good thing though. We have to try and get to a position of contentment within ourselves, then a partner is a complementary addition, getting to this position, I know, easier said than done. Best wishes.

JeNeSuisPasVotreMiel · 24/12/2017 07:46

Christmas is a difficult time for lots of us. Such high expectations not to mention the financial outlay. It sounds like you're doing a great job of bringing up those lovely girls, and what you may not realise at this point is that you are actually creating for yourself three lifelong reliable friends who will be with you through thick and thin. And that's priceless.

I think there's a problem with meeting new people in that if you go out clubbing and meet someone you like, what you will end up with us someone who likes to go out clubbing - and I doubt that would work for you.

So you need to find an activity that you could see yourself happily doing with a new partner - my suggestion would be swing dancing or salsa. There are tons of absolute beginners in these lessons and there is always a shortage of male leads so you would be in demand! I think they are good examples as they are activities that you learn at local level but are also connected to nationwide and in fact international networks of lessons, workshops and events .

So there would be plenty of opportunities to meet people in a relaxed, non drinking environment where if you wanted you could just stay local, or take your learning further afield.

Anyway I wish you luck and enjoy your Christmas with your girls while you still have the pleasure of their company at home.

Original poster
daddysgirls · 24/12/2017 14:21

Thank you for all the lovely comments , done my last shop and now going home to see my girls , I know I’m going to burst into tears when I see them . It worries me because they dosnt understand it’s telief to be home and not sadness although as you all know that will come later when I’m alone .

OP posts:
GlitterBurps · 25/12/2017 01:37

I hope you have a lovely day with your girls, merry Christmas x

BMW6 · 25/12/2017 06:24

I hope 2018 brings you joy Wine

Yahdayah · 25/12/2017 06:44

I hope you and your girls have a wonderful day together today.

You sound like an amazing dad, I imagine something your late wife would be very proud of.

I’m not sure if it would be for you but I have found counselling a massive help, it changed my life. It might be something worth looking in to in the New Year.

Cosmic123 · 25/12/2017 07:47

That's really sad. I hope you're ok. I understand because my dad died when I was little and I find Christmas particularly hard. My mum was really lonely and as a result ended up in a relationship with a schizophrenic which had a really detrimental effect on us kids. I don't blame her because I can imagine how lonely it must be and it's hard enough being a parent at the best of times let alone in your situation. Maybe this year you could make it your mission to try new things and meet new people. It sounds a bit stupid but perhaps you could find something you find really interesting and start an evening class or join a group. Sorry not to be of much help but I really do hope things get better for you.

haircolourhelp · 25/12/2017 07:54

Have just read this thread and I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. But it's very understandable after what you've been through.
I hope you have a lovely day with your girls around you.
I hope you all get strength from each other to face these difficult days.
May 2018 be a happier one for you.
Merry Christmas.

tccat · 25/12/2017 08:18

It's shortly to be a new year and a new start, get out there, get on dating sites and get some counselling if you feel it would help
I know this is probably no help but you can be in a relationship/married and feel totally alone, it's grim
Enjoy your day with your girls and start making plans , happy Xmas ☺

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 25/12/2017 10:32

daddysgirls Christmas Wishes from Manchester. My DP died last year and this is our 2nd Christmas without him. I'm far from lonely this Christmas as we're staying with family but I do feel alone. I get it completely.
As regards finding a partner, when the time comes for me to dip my toe back in the murky dating waters, men like you who understand that children come first will be the only guys that will appeal to me. You sound like an awesome Dad.
I second WaY too. Great place to meet other widowed parents.
I wish everyone on this thread a lot of Christmas love and a happy and healthy 2018.