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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel so neglected at Christmas

44 replies

Underappreciatedtococreator · 22/12/2017 19:55

Sorry this will be long but don’t want to drip feed.
DH and I have been married for 3 year and since then he has never bought me a present. I did not get a wedding present and have never had one for any anniversary ( although I’m assured he will sort it out). He has today told me that when he get paid he will give me some money to get my Christmas presents after Christmas.
I know I sound grabby but he has never once taken the time to think about or plan ahead to get me any form of present. Every single Valentine’s Day/Birthday/Christmas it’s the same thing. I will get some money about 2 months later to get myself something from him and the kids. Am I asking too much to have him pick me something.
I will yet again have nothing this Christmas morning after spending months shopping for everyone else to make sure they have the perfect gift. I just want to feel appreciated.

OP posts:

Iloveanimals · 22/12/2017 19:57

That's poor. Me and my husband don't buy Christmas presents for each other, but we spend each anniversary together with a present. Same for birthdays. Have you told him how you feel?

HoneyBadgerApparently · 22/12/2017 19:58

YABU not to be more angry!!! Wtf? I'd be sending him shopping right now he's out of order

00alwaysbusymum · 22/12/2017 19:58

Do you buy him presents ?

LtGreggs · 22/12/2017 19:58

Of course yanbu - I think you know that already.

Are you prepared to put up with it, or are you needing things to change?

Yukbuck · 22/12/2017 19:59

Yanbu. I don't think it makes you sound grabby at all. Giving someone money is basically putting no effort in at all. It's not even about the cost. I bet you'd be happy with a present that cost a fiver if it was meaningful rather than all the money!

My family and I kind of have an unwritten rule of vouchers/ money ok for birthdays but at Christmas, presents because we like seeing everyone opening them. Cost doesn't matter.

cardibach · 22/12/2017 19:59

Why do you put up with this? It’s 3 years now - take a stand.

RedForFilth · 22/12/2017 20:00

Nope YANBU. He sounds totally thoughtless and tbh like he doesn't care about your feelings. It isn't difficult to go get someone a Christmas present ffs, we all know what date it us! But YABU if he has always been this way and you're expecting him to change as he clearly won't.

Original poster

Underappreciatedtococreator · 22/12/2017 20:01

Yes I have I buy him presents. I even stayed up till midnight to get tickets for one of his favourite bands for Christmas as well as gift from each of the kids. If he had said something earlier I could have at least picked up some presents from the kids so they don’t feel as awful as they did last year. I can’t send him shopping now as he’s told me all this before heading out for drinks with his friends.

OP posts:

NovemberWitch · 22/12/2017 20:02

This is where a wish list is useful. Build one up, add links if necessary and tell him you want something from your list. Even if presents and celebrations don’t matter to him, they do to you and if he loves you, he needs to understand that.

Original poster

Underappreciatedtococreator · 22/12/2017 20:05

We have been together for 15 years but since getting married it’s like he can’t be bothered. We were all out today shopping and he took the kids off on their own for a bit so I guess I built my hopes up but turns out he did in fact just take them for a milkshake.

OP posts:

Original poster

Underappreciatedtococreator · 22/12/2017 20:06

It’s not the present that matter it’s the fact that he’s just given up trying I guess.

OP posts:

NovemberWitch · 22/12/2017 20:07

15 years!
Beyond time it got sorted.

LockedOutOfMN · 22/12/2017 20:10

Can he go tomorrow? Take the kids? Give them a list?

Glumglowworm · 22/12/2017 20:11

YANBU

it’s not the actual gift itself that really matters. It’s the care and attention in the act of choosing something that you think the recipient will like and getting it for them.

I put more thought into Secret Santa for a random colleague than your husband does to you at Christmas.

Splinterz · 22/12/2017 20:23

Important Q

(a) did he buy (or not buy) presents before you got married?

If not, then you knew this so why complain now

Completely irrelevant points:

(b) is it a new thing to give your new spouse a present on your wedding day ? I thoughts that's what the rings were for.

Gemini69 · 22/12/2017 20:26

this is easy.... DO NOT give him ANY gifts Christmas Morning

he might then ... have a teensy tiny inclination of how it then feels to be IGNORED... not appreciated... not valued enough to purchase even a small gift for.... this Guy is taking the PISS ...

Please.... OP... take his Gifts and put them in a cupboard and DO NOT give them to him.....

hidinginthenightgarden · 22/12/2017 20:27

Dear god he is worse than mine! Tell him you are not happy and want him to go and buy you a gift tomorrow, with the kids whilst you finish off any xmas prep. If he says no then keep his presents for yourself!

RedSkyAtNight · 22/12/2017 20:30

Is he bothered about presents (for himself)? Does he know that this is something you are bothered about?

I couldn't care less if no one ever got me a present, and I've had to "train" myself to buy DH things he considers to be thoughtful as I know this gives him pleasure.

If your DH is like me, and you've not mentioned it in 3 years, he may think you are find with no presents.

Corcory · 22/12/2017 20:32

Really really don't give him his presents. He has to realise how crap he is being.

tombstoneteeth · 22/12/2017 20:35

I never get a single present from anyone - husband, 3 adult kids, mother. I always buy generously for everyone, specially the grandchildren, but it's never reciprocated -not even a card. I travel 4-5 times a year to visit my sons at the other end of the country, but only one of them has visited-once. Oh, I did get a card from my daughter, who lives abroad, and for whose new baby I have spent a fortune on lovely things, and who I will be visiting next month. Just don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed.

Fink · 22/12/2017 20:35

YADNBU. I agree with pp:

Plan A - send him out tomorrow/Sunday with the kids and very clear instructions that you expect a decent present. If dc are old enough to have been upset last year then they are old enough to help him choose something nice for you.

Plan B - if he still hasn't got you anything come Christmas day, you don't give him anything either. Obviously some stuff (the tickets) you will have to give him eventually, but don't let him sit there opening nice pressies from you on Christmas day when he is being so selfish.

Original poster

Underappreciatedtococreator · 22/12/2017 20:39

Before we got married he always can up with the most amazing presents. I still have the framed napkin he gave me on our first anniversary as a couple. I had written my number on it and he had kept it. When we had been in our own home for a year he gave me a bag of colourful key tops because I liked my keys to match my purse colour. He used to be so thoughtful.
I do like the idea of withholding his presents. I might forget them since I’m the one who is now going to have to pack the car before we leave tomorrow. He will probably be too hungover to do it. And I will be blasting disney Christmas songs for the who 8 hours we are on the road.

OP posts:

Vitalogy · 22/12/2017 20:55

So he sits there Christmas morning opening his presents and watches you with nothing, that's really bad OP, is he generally that thoughtless.

foodiefil · 22/12/2017 20:56

What a fucking arse hole

Trb17 · 22/12/2017 20:56

I got upset a few days ago because DH asked me for ideas of what he could get me for Christmas. I’d already given him ideas weeks ago but he said they were out of stock and now he didn’t know what to get! He’d also got me a variation of the gift I suggested... a variation I had said not to get, so he clearly had t even listened.

I got upset because it’s like I’m an afterthought. I put so much effort into buying him and everyone thoughtful gifts, that it felt like a massive fuck you for him to have put in so little effort.

I just want people to think I’m important enough to them to put in a little effort. To show that I’m appreciated just as much as they are.

I’ve told him he’s upset me though so I’m pretty sure he’ll fix it. He’s taking DD shopping tomorrow so hoping he comes up with something. Just a token of thought.

So no OP YANBU. Your DH is out of order.

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