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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so neglected at Christmas

44 replies

Underappreciatedtococreator · 22/12/2017 19:55

Sorry this will be long but don’t want to drip feed.
DH and I have been married for 3 year and since then he has never bought me a present. I did not get a wedding present and have never had one for any anniversary ( although I’m assured he will sort it out). He has today told me that when he get paid he will give me some money to get my Christmas presents after Christmas.
I know I sound grabby but he has never once taken the time to think about or plan ahead to get me any form of present. Every single Valentine’s Day/Birthday/Christmas it’s the same thing. I will get some money about 2 months later to get myself something from him and the kids. Am I asking too much to have him pick me something.
I will yet again have nothing this Christmas morning after spending months shopping for everyone else to make sure they have the perfect gift. I just want to feel appreciated.

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 22/12/2017 20:57

Has he only stopped buying you presents since you got married? That's really weird.

southboundagain · 22/12/2017 20:57

YANBU. I had the same discussion with my parents, as I choose things for them and everyone else in the family, but if I don't pick something specific they won't buy me presents until I do. They're the only people I know who do that; everyone else buys me things, maybe with a question of "is there anything you'd particularly like this year?" but if I said "I can't think of anything" they'd come up with something.

I agree with the person upthread that said "It’s the care and attention in the act of choosing something that you think the recipient will like and getting it for them." Like your husband, they're happy to hand over the money, and I am really grateful that they're so generous, but it'd feel more meaningful to get a surprise as it'd represent them taking the time to pick something they thought I'd like.

Gemini69 · 22/12/2017 20:59

He doesn't CARE enough... to buy you a gift... instead enjoys opening his own lovely expensive gifts.... whilst you sit with nothing.... WTF is this SHIT....

Please Don't give him those Gifts OP ...

Gizmo79 · 22/12/2017 21:23

Hmmmm,
Yes it’s shit. But my DH is the same. It’s not that he doesn’t care, but just lacks momentum.
He does everything I ask, but is crap with gifts

WishingOnABar · 22/12/2017 21:28

Ffs my ASD 8 year old saved £4 of his pocket money and asked my mum to take him to poundland to buy my Christmas present. If your grown-ass husband can’t manage even a box of dairy milk or something he sounds like a selfish lazy twat.

If you've got him anything I’d suggest taking it out from under the tree, taking it back where you got it for a refund and spend the money on something you want for yourself.

worriedaboutchristmas · 22/12/2017 21:32

Yanbu. He is awful and I think that you should not give him the presents you have bought him. A taste of his own medicine as it were

Raver84 · 22/12/2017 21:40

He sounds horrendus he has an entire year to get you something even the bare minimum pop to boots get you some gift set 3 for 2 is better than nothing. What a selfish prick

Accountant222 · 22/12/2017 21:46

I've had a lifetime of no presents, fuck it I just buy myself something big and gorgeous, it's very hurtful though

whitehandledkitchenknife · 22/12/2017 21:49

YANBU. My BIL does this to my sister. I despise him for that amongst other things. For other reasons, he won't be getting anything from me ever this year. Git.
Can't wait for him to notice and comment. I will raise an eyebrow.
I agree with PPs. Don't give him his presents. Get a refund and buy something lovely for yourself.

TheHobbitMum · 22/12/2017 21:49

I'd be seriously pissed off with that! He gets enough notice for Christmas, birthday & anniversarys! Very poor of him, I'd be letting him know that it isn't on and you expect to have some consideration where gifting is concerned. Lazy gits give cash after the event Angry

MorelloKisses · 22/12/2017 21:54

have you had a conversation with him about it? Surly the first Christmas that he didn't produce a present, this would have come to a head. I can't imagine my DP not getting me gifts at Christmas...

Tobebythesea · 22/12/2017 22:20

This really makes me upset on your behalf.

You deserve to be treated with love, respect and cared for and his actions are hurtful. Please don’t give him gifts.

PippaSqueaks · 22/12/2017 22:33

It truly amazes me how some women will put up with so little care and attention from their husbands. You should have stopped it the first time he did this so he knew that it wasn't acceptable.

Three years is way too long to put up with this.

It's not about wanting 'stuff' but about the thought and care put into getting something.

Maelstrop · 22/12/2017 23:02

You’re mad to get him presents and I bet, despite the sound advice about not giving them to him, you still bloody do, because you’re a people pleaser and he’s treating you like shit, as you well know. Serious words needed, OP. Stop sitting there feeling sorry for yourself and establish a new order for next birthday/anniversary/Christmas.

Mine’s been a bit crap about buying me stuff lately, he relies on me to tell him what I want, but at least I get stuff!

seven201 · 22/12/2017 23:58

He is shit. My dh is useless in that he gets so stressed on Christmas Eve about what to get me that I just buy my own present from him (nice pyjamas this year) and he pays me back. I asked for toddler dd to get me a photo mug - not only did I have to pick the pictures but he was stressed and tired the day I pointed out there was a deal on so needed to be done that night. I ended up doing it. It's only a 10 minute job! Bloody pissed off at myself for doing that. But... your dh is actually shit not just crap. I would not put up with that. Have you told him how it makes you feel? Under no circumstances are you allowed to give him any presents unless he gives you some, and they need to be decent!!

Original poster
Underappreciatedtococreator · 23/12/2017 08:00

So I’ve been up since 5am packing up the car after he stumbled in at 4 drunk as could be. I’ve spoken to him again like I do every bloody time about how I wish he would be bothered.
I could by my own presents but I want him to take the time to pick something special from his heart. Apparently I’m being silly.
I am going to pack his presents and make a big show on Christmas morning in front of his mother and hopefully he will feel crap coz I know his mom will go mental about it. MIL has kindly offered to take the kids shopping tomorrow but she refuses to do his shopping. I love that she is on my side.

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 23/12/2017 08:09

I’m glad you are making a stand. Your mil sounds great. I hope he realises how hurtful he is being.

MorelloKisses · 23/12/2017 08:13

Your last post makes it sound like he is treating you badly in other areas too ...?

notsohippychick · 23/12/2017 08:14

Make him go today when he’s hungover!!!!!!

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