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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they are not being "accommodating"?

48 replies

FGSholdthedoor · 22/12/2017 16:14

I'm originally from a different EU country where we celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve so the 24th.

This has worked well for me and OH as there has been no drama re whose family we spend Christmas with as 24th was mine as that's when we celebrate and 25th his.

This year my DM has started a new job and has to work Christmas Eve. She has announced to me a few weeks ago that due to her working Christmas Eve she will most likely be having "Christmas" on Christmas Day.
I said that will make it tricky as they know OHs family celebrate on Christmas Day. DM pretty much said "tough" .
She's a difficult character so I kind of backed off but summoned up my courage when I saw her next and said that PILs celebrate Christmas Day as SIL and BiL then go to see SILS family who live away.
I asked if they wanted to do the day before Christmas Eve or maybe Boxing Day, DM just said she's not sure of her rota yet and left it at that.

I went to visit them last week and asked about Christmas when I was leaving as DM said she was off on the 23rd but finished work a bit late (10pm) on the 22nd. I suggested the 23rd and she said she will probably be tired but they will let me know.
It's worth mentioning I have a toddler and a 3 week old baby and I made it very clear to them a few weeks ago that it will only be a small Christmas on my side anyway as baby will be tiny and I won't be able to stay late etc.
So I get a call today from DF saying they're doing Christmas tomorrow and that he "brought DM around" but he's doing all the cooking etc. It must've been a very last min decision as he was doing all the ingredient shopping in Morrisons whilst speaking to me.

No problem with me but I did mention to remember that I will be having to go earlier than usual to get both DCs to bed. Ideally at 5ish (it's a 30min drive one way) and I said 5 because i know in my parents language that's 5.30. DF got a huffy and said that that's early and can I not leave at 7, I told him DS goes to bed at 7 and there's a baby around now so it's a double job.
He then went on to say that I should be more giving/lenient with the time as they've been accommodating in terms of the day and to consider him too as he had to convince DM etc. We kind of agreed I'll leave around 6ish as long as DS is in bed for 7.

But AIBU to think they are not being accommodating?
I think it would be very unreasonable of them to expect PILs to change everything and not celebrate on THEIR actual Christmas Day because my DM is working hers. And it would have been equally unreasonable to hold me ransom and expect me to abandon Christmas at PILs because of the same reason.
If the situation was reversed and PILs lived in our home country I would consider it equally unreasonable if they expected my parents to change their Christmas because Mil or FIL had to work the 25th so they decided on the 24th.
And AIBU to think this is just all a bit of drama?

OP posts:
Original poster
FGSholdthedoor · 22/12/2017 16:26

Apologies about the essay this turned out to be by the way! Blush

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 22/12/2017 16:33

But they have been accommodating haven't they? They have switched to 23rd at your request (despite inital huffiness) and they are trying to make it work eg. Df shopping etc.

Frankly a 30 minute drive is hardly anything. I'd change the baby and toddler into their pajamas at your Mums, let them fall asleep in the car on the way home after 7pm and lift them into bed. If they wake, or stay up a bit later you still have all of Christmas Eve for them to adjust before seeing the ILs on Christmas Day.

So in this I'd say YABU and the one causing the drama.

Tinselistacky · 22/12/2017 16:37

I seriously doubt you will have any hope of getting a dc to bed at 7 at Christmas.
Good luck though.
Sorry but be a but appreciative that your family feel it is important to spend the occasion with you.
My ils haven't bothered with my dc for 3 years.

Eliza9917 · 22/12/2017 16:37

^^This

Eliza9917 · 22/12/2017 16:38

Sorry, I agreed with allthebestnamesareused

AFistfulOfDolores · 22/12/2017 16:38

Having read it through, I feel it is you who is not being accommodating, OP. I know that when you have young children, your life tends to revolve around them, but sometimes it is worth remembering that that isn't the case for everyone else, and that a bit of flexibility every now and then is not going to do any long-term damage.

allegretto · 22/12/2017 16:39

So they moved the date to suit you better and you can't even be a bit flexible on bedtimes? Hmmmm...sorry but I think you need to be a bit more accommodating!

confusedlittleone · 22/12/2017 16:40

It sounds like your the only one really making a drama out of it all....

Marcine · 22/12/2017 16:41

I would find it easier to leave at 7 so DC fall asleep in the car. If you leave at 5 or 6 surely your toddler will nap then and be up for hours once you get home?

TheNoseyProject · 22/12/2017 16:41

I the three posts above are weird. They haven’t been accommodating as far as I can tell haven’t they just announced at 1 day notice that you have to do Xmas tomorrow? You asked several weeks ago.

My kids don’t mind going to bed on Xmas eve - gets Xmas her sooner!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 22/12/2017 16:41

Agree, bath and pjs at your parents house, lift sleeping dc into bed from car.

A 5:30 car journey will mean they will sleep then, and be a nightmare to get into bed.

lightcola · 22/12/2017 16:42

I also agree with pp i’m Afraid

Marcine · 22/12/2017 16:42

I agree that it does sound like everyone has accommodated you really, and they're just asking you give a little on bedtimes.

RhodaBorrocks · 22/12/2017 16:43

I think you're being a bit U here. They are accommodating you by having Christmas on 23rd - in families where both sides celebrate on 25th people have to split their time so they alternate who they spend Christmas with. I'm sure you know that.

And at Christmas is routine really that important? Let them stay up a bit later and stick them in their jammies for the journey home. My DS is 10 and I still give him the option to travel home from late finishing family occasions throughout the year in a onesie, which he still enjoys. Its all part of the fun and magic of Christmas.

Marcine · 22/12/2017 16:45

They have been a bit grumpy/last minute about changing things to suit you, that's true. But ultimately they have gone with your preferred date.

CaptainChristmas · 22/12/2017 16:46

I agree with most other posters that yabu. I’d do as suggested on here; put dcs into pyjamas at your dparents and let them go to sleep in the car. Surely the 3 week old doesn’t have a bedtime yet anyway.

Snausage · 22/12/2017 16:47

Wow. If I rigidly stuck to bedtimes (especially at this time of year) I would never see anyone! My mum lives 50 minutes away from me and I drive to and from hers (with my three year old) about 3 times a week.

It sounds as if your parents really have been accommodating; they have changed their plans to fit around your plans. Why on earth is it a big issue to not have the kids in bed at their usual bedtime on what is, ultimately, your parents' Christmas Day?

PuppyMonkey · 22/12/2017 16:47

I remember having a three week old baby on Christmas Day once (she's 21 now) and I just let everyone else do everything and I basically sat around in various cars and on various sofas doing nothing but feeding the baby. So that's what I think you should do. Leave your DP to sort the other one for bed, enjoy time with your parents and chill.

MrMeSeeks · 22/12/2017 16:47

I think they've been very accommodating.

diddl · 22/12/2017 17:02

Sounds accomodating to me-you've got it on the day you wanted.

Have you ever thought about doing Christmas yourself?

Gemini69 · 22/12/2017 17:07

Stay at home ..... don't bother with the stress... see your parents inbetween Christmas and New Year.. Xmas Grin

SoupDragon · 22/12/2017 17:09

I would find it easier to leave at 7 so DC fall asleep in the car. If you leave at 5 or 6 surely your toddler will nap then and be up for hours once you get home?

I agree with this. It would have been true for my DC.

Original poster
FGSholdthedoor · 22/12/2017 17:09

To the last poster, our house is way too small to do Christmas here unfortunately.

Ok I might be unreasonable I just don't understand my DM placing such importance on the 25th. It's like she was wanting a standoff. And she left it all hanging there for weeks and ultimately buried her head in the sand and probably made DF spend ages convincing her and kissing up to her until she finally "gracefully" accepted the 23rd last minute.

My DP is NC with my parents so he won't be there so I will be knackered and I just thought it would be easier to get home earlier and get DCs sorted.

@RhodaBorrocks the whole point is the fact that in my home country/culture we celebrate on the 24th, that's basically our "Christmas Day" the 25th is just another day in the holidays. That's why I thought it was a bit unreasonable for my DM to basically override my PILs Christmas Day end expect me to be there, especially with DP not being there as he's NC with them. Especially since nothing was getting in the way of her doing it on the 23rd or 26th or any other day she had off.

OP posts:
Tipsntoes · 22/12/2017 17:10

I think you parents have made arrangements to fit around you plans. Trying to stick to a fixed bedtime, especially such an early on on "Christmas Day" is a touch inflexible.

Tipsntoes · 22/12/2017 17:12

Sorry, just seen your last post. You're going to your in-laws' for Christmas Day when your DP is NC with them, his parents? Or DP is NC with your familiy?

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